Fore-Play: A Guide For Men

We all knew the inevitable moment would come when the myth must be shattered for the man. I’m an advocate of employing the Band-Aid method to all painful situations, so here it is:

Contrary to the deeply-rooted and much worshipped belief, “Foreplay” does not include a set of golf clubs, two carts, three other friends, and a 30-pack of beer.

“WHAT?”

Just breathe… I know this is a big mind-fuck, so I’ll tread lightly to avoid panic. We’ll get through this together using our small words.

Okay.
First and foremost, remember that this is a Thinking Man’s game.

Reserving Your Tee Time
Reserving your tee time is not something you attempt to do an hour before you would like to take your first swing. No, it’s a process. First you have to contact your three friends, decide on a day, a time, and most importantly, select a course. There’s planning involved and, knowing this, it stands to reason that if you can plan a four-some at 8am on Sunday morning, you can certainly plan dinner reservations for a two-some at 8pm on Saturday night. To do this, simply apply the same methodology as the tee time.

Where to Play, Where to Play…
Every course is different and each requires a different skill-set. If you’re relatively new to the game, obviously you’ll want to stick to the “easier” courses. They require less agility and the bar for success is generally set pretty low. Added bonus: the players are younger so lack of experience or natural talent is less critical. For the experienced player, you’ll want to look for a more interesting challenge. There’s a big pay-off here because, if you take your time and focus on each hole, it will play you as well as you play it. It’s a win-win situation.

CAUTION: Over-estimating your abilities could quickly ruin your scoring potential, so do not rush all willy-nilly into your selection.

Hit the Driving Range
Warming up is an essential part of playing a good game. You take a few big swings; stroke a few putts – just to get your bearings and get the lay of your course. Same holds true for foreplay. What separates the good from the great is the warm-up. By the way, warming up should always start once the silent agreement has been reached to play through.

How Many Holes
Pacing yourself is key if you’re planning to tell your friends what a great round you played on Saturday. There are many considerations when making the decision about how many holes to play, and they should be made early. Additionally, ask yourself, do you want to walk the course and make a day of it, or grab a cart and do it all, only faster? If you’re only going for nine – a quickie, if you will – you definitely want to go full out early and consider the cart. After all, it’s just immediate gratification you’re looking for. And maybe bragging rights. Conversely, if you’re looking for a longer game, you don’t want to give too much too soon. Prepare for the many phases of the course and mind your timing. Compare it to drinking your whole 30-pack on front nine. Sure you can, but you're not going to play up to par on the back nine. 

Choose Your Club Wisely
Every hole is different. You have to know how to choose a club and accurately read the green. Obviously several different clubs are used to successfully navigate the course, so know where you’re going before you get there. And remember, this is a game of finesse. The Grope-Grope-Stroke-Then-Poke is not a successful combination; it’s a recipe for hitting dry sand. Sure, I can get you out of it, but most girls aren’t as good with a sand wedge.

If I weren’t already bored, I could take you through the whole game, down the long, straight fairways, in and out of the rough, through the crazy dog-leg, around the water hazards, and into The 19th Hole for drinks, but frankly, I’m not down with doing all the work. Besides, every player has his own style. Sometimes you're Phil Mickelson, sometimes Happy Gilmore. Either way, here are a few tips to improve your chances of success:

1. Rule of Thumb: Always address the ball with your brain first, instincts second.
2. Never, ever address the ball, your club, or the hole with that little kid voice. It’s not endearing and frankly, it’s creepy.
3. If you want to shave a few strokes by avoiding hazards, try streamlining yourself. It’s key to be as well groomed as the greens!
4. Check the winds regularly. Sometimes they change mid-game and you need to be prepared to accommodate or redirect.
5. Remember, everyone has an off day on the course. But this is about longevity so keep your head down and focus. It’s never too late to recover.