The Friendship Game, Part I - The Girls

This afternoon, my friend and most faithful reader Lizzie, sent me a text asking what happened to a blog I wrote a long time ago about the different types of friends. As some of you know, my previous site collapsed and I lost quite a bit of work. I got to thinking that today was a good day to take action and see if I could find versions of these stashed away somewhere. So with the fire finally lit under my ass, I was able to lay hands on a few not completely shitty blogs. The following is not something I consider great work. This is being published at Lizzie's request and as she was, after all, the inspiration for the very last category, I could not deny her. (Lizzie, forgive me for divulging that.) This is a reprint from April 11, 2008:

The Friendship Game Part I – The Girls

Let me say right up front that I’m not good at this one. Oh, I get the friendship part; it’s the “game” bits that confuse me. Well, that and some of the players. By definition, friendship is something one begins voluntarily. One would think that one remains out of some sense of, I dunno, connectivity maybe? Loyalty? Yes. No. I mean, yes… right up until you feel the sting of a sharp knife between the shoulder blades. This, this is where my confusion usually begins. In an effort to sort out what I just don’t understand about girls and friendship, I’ve decided to categorize.

The Best Friend
She’s the one who will tell you ALL about yourself in a good dressing down for no reason other than someone has to be brave enough to tell you the truth… or because you’re embarrassing her in public. There’s no malice or personal gain involved. It’s as painful for her as it is for you… so she’s sure to have both a tissue and a cocktail at the ready. No other friend can do this.

The Sweet Girl
People are inexplicably drawn to her. She’s sweet, and she’s pretty, and she’s ever so wholesome. She usually possesses an underlying sense of sadness that drives a need to make her laugh. While that distracts you, know that she’s primarily interested in getting what she wants…. and it’s usually a Boy. She’s your friend as long as you have something she needs. Sadly, this is the most difficult type of friend to sort out, and once you get the read, it’s too late. She’s off with the Boy. Not to worry though. She’ll be back. She always is. He’s all she has.

The Pretty Girl
Admittedly, she’s a great chick to have around when you’re single because she’s sure to reel in a bevy of dateable boys. Unfortunately, no one ever told her that eventually her looks will fade and she’s going to HAVE to have something to say other than “how may I direct your call?” She doesn’t follow politics, the news, the weather or any current event that doesn’t occur on Facebook. She’s sweet and needy and you want to take care of her even though she can’t hold your attention for more than a few moments at a time. Be careful of her vacuous ways… It’s not unusual for The Pretty Girl to actually be The Master Manipulator in disguise.

The Master Manipulator
It’s sometimes hard to tell if she possesses an IQ of 82 or 160. She cries when it suits her ultimate goal. She watches and she waits. She seeks out the weak underbelly of her “friends.” It is singularly important that she always has the upper hand – in her own mind anyway – so that she can manage her own damage control just prior to her antics being revealed for all to witness and ridicule. She is incredibly insecure; hence, her need to be the center of everyone’s Universe… or the bar. Men forgive her because they think she’s just kinda dumb; harmless until she takes what she wants and leaves them in emotional or financial ruin.

The “I Love You” Girl
She says it to everyone… Everyone. People whose last name she doesn’t even know. She NEEDS people to love her – all people. She feels generally unworthy. It’s hard not to take her in; to help her; to tell her she really IS good enough. Caution is advised. She doesn’t love in actuality because she doesn’t know how. She only loves the feeling of love and will follow it down any dark path. The good news is, she’s basically harmless except to herself.

The Competitor
She wants your life and you can’t imagine why. She slides in under the guise of The Sweet Girl or The Pretty Girl… sometimes even the I Love You Girl, but that’s a hybrid. The Competitor has many, many faces. Unfortunately, it’s easy to miss the imaginary competition she brings to the inner circle in the beginning – easy to mistake it for enthusiasm or gratefulness. This girl is very dangerous because she’s not happy unless she’s “winning”… and she’s playing a game no one else knows about. Much like The Master Manipulator, she will pit friend against friend if she feels left out or overlooked. She doesn’t care who she hurts or whose relationships suffer. She just wants to wear the sash and the crown. Someone should tell her that the walk is done alone… But then, she’d need a Best Friend for that.

The *Shrug – Eyeroll* Girl
She is my absolute favorite! She truly, honestly, wholly, and completely could not possibly care any less about all y’all’s drama and life crap. I know three of these women. They make me laugh harder than anyone in the world, and wish I were heartless, too. Don’t misinterpret that. Underneath she’s soft and sensitive – but you’ll never find that out unless she decides she wants you to. She can keep a secret. She never reveals your personal conversations. This is partly because she doesn’t really care, and partly because in her heart she knows that it’s not her story to tell. She’ll happily sport a trench coat and Fedora to go on a recon mission with a 6-pack just because. She is the most trustworthy of friends. She doesn’t say “I love you” to anyone – until she does.

I’m sure every girl sees a bit of herself in a couple of these. Fortunately, some girls are simply 100% of one or another which is great material for me. I know each of these girls… These girls are my “friends.” Lucky me…! Next up: The Friendship Game Part II – The Boys

NOTE: Though it’s been a year since I wrote this and much has changed, I find it interesting that every one of these women still exist in my life. Some of the faces are new; some are not. Odd really, how well these held up. And in case you’re wondering, I still only know three *Shrug – Eyeroll* Girls… the same three… and that makes me very lucky indeed! And no, I never did write Part II.