The Annual Black Friday Post

I don’t care what time of year it is, when I’m paying $7.50 for a cup of coffee, I want what I want, and I want it however I ask for it. Do not raise your eyebrows at me little Miss Barista, when I politely tell you that I would like a venti, non-fat, no foam, almond, gingerbread latte, with two extra shots. This is America and I’m perversely self-entitled. It’s my prerogative. Much like my un-American boycott of Black Friday.

Clarification: Said boycott actually has less to do with the long reaching, economic predictor holiday arm than it does with an early life discovery that the bars are open and the bartenders are bored. Holiday spending and gift-giving probably does induce pre- and post-seasonal depression. I say it’s kinder to keep that to yourself. It’s a different kind of holiday giving.

I think the whole Black Friday tradition of beating the hell out of people for 24 to 72 hours in an effort to procure bargains completely defies logic. What sane individual willingly leaves their home in a state of post-Thanksgiving lethargy, to get into a moving vehicle, negotiate traffic, circle endlessly in search of up front parking (because we don’t want to burn off any excess calories by parking any distance from the destination), elbow other mannerless shoppers out of the way, and wait on endless lines all for the possibility of saving a few dollars, only to return home exhausted and further financially burdened?

NEWSFLASH PEOPLE: These same deals are available online and I haven’t paid for shipping in years. There’s a code for that…

I learned a long time ago that the whole of holiday shopping is something best done in the seclusion of my home office with a strong toddy. It’s been and will remain a perfect arrangement and my own personal holiday tradition.

If it’s the “spirit of the season” that forces you out of the house, I have an idea. Remember that bartender? Take your fancy phone with its fancy applications and park yourself on a stool in front of him… or her. Now you not only have the comfort of a chair and a cocktail, you also have a shopping mate. Believe me when I say, some of my best and most unusual gift ideas have come from bartenders. Not only do they know stuff, they know people. They’re a wealth of information, from who hates what newest electronic gadget and why; to all the reasons you might reconsider purchasing that diamond solitaire based on last weekend’s shenanigans.

Disclaimer: If you have reason to believe that I know you were planning that diamond purchase and are now wondering what I know that you don’t – it's purely coincidental. I don’t know anything about anyone. Move along, People. There’s no show here.

OK. That’s all I have on this. Drink and shop responsibly.

Random Thoughts IV

I haven’t done one of these in awhile so the timing seems right since I can’t think of anything else.

Here’s how it works… I sit here and stare at the blinking cursor for a bit.
I panic.
I pace.
I refill my coffee.
I change my shoes.
I change the music.
I repeat.

Eventually, a club soda bubble pops, the vodka escapes, and I’m off on a tangent of completely unrelated thoughts.

So. Let the cursor staring commence…
*cue elevator music*

Regarding My Day Job
I have to swipe my security badge five times to get to my desk. Five. Is that really necessary? We’re not curing cancer up in this piece.
That’s all I have on that…

Regarding My Night Job
*blink*
*reconsiders original thought*
And that’s all I have on that!

On Hot, Yet Stupid Men
So pretty… but really, what’s the point? While I’m on about that, shall we pause for a moment over “men” trying to be “boys?” It’s embarrassing.

Where AM I?
I was taking a fill-up at what is arguably the slowest gas pump in the Universe in what is without question one of the worst neighborhoods ever, when I looked up and saw a road sign across the street. Baltimore Left Lane; Philadelphia Right Lane. It struck me then; I really am in the middle of nowhere. Please send lipstick.

Here’s your dictionary…
Facebook is killing me.
You are judged by how you speak and how you write. I didn’t make this rule up. That’s just how it is. So if you feel compelled to be snarky, at least have the wherewithal to be grammatically correct about it. Then, and only then, is it funny and not just embarrassing for you. Along that same line, if you’re going to use foreign language words or colloquialisms, how about you Google what they mean first. That way when you respond to a comment – purely for example – using the word touché, you don’t confirm stupidity by using it so incredibly wrong, wrong, wrong. On the upside, the rest of us do appreciate the laugh, so there’s that.

Holidays and Exercise
Yes we should. No, we don’t. Please stop telling everyone you are when you so obviously are not.

Annual Evaluations
I’m hard at “work” on this ridiculous annual self-evaluation that campaigns as a “significant part of the determination regarding your bonus,” but in truth, is just pages and pages of bullshit someone wants to put in our “permanent file” since bonuses were determined months ago. Knowing this, and at the prompting of a manger-who-is-not-mine, my first attempt consisted of writing “I AM AWESOME” in every field. It was rejected. Clearly my manager didn’t see how well-rounded that submission was. So now I’m forced to shamelessly spell it out. *eyeroll* Self-promotion is not my thing… clearly.

Apparently there’s some weird expectation that am willing to use my powers for good today, so that’s all the randomness, kids. Hope you enjoyed the show. Go ride the rides.