I've had additional thoughts - and I'm too lazy to start from scratch so here's a reminder from last year. Feel free to print this blog entry. You or someone close to you needs it.
This time of year there are tons of articles about “etiquette” or being on your best behavior at an office party. And yet, which of us hasn’t woken up the morning after the night before wearing mistletoe for undies, a lampshade nightcap, and a very real sense of dread?
I'm really not judging you...yet. I have no intention of joining the legions of other writers who will remind you not to over-indulge in front of your boss, to definitely hire a taxi, nor will I whip out the tried-and-true adage, “minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” Though all of this is true, I’m going to assume you don’t need a reminder and head to a more practical, more realistic place.
RSVP
It should go without saying that when an invitation is extended, you will, within a reasonable time, respond to your host. Bear in mind that this isn’t a meeting invitation at work; you can’t just RSVP “Accept” then not show up; nor can you “Decline” then magically appear on someone’s doorstep. Though you should always RSVP and stick to it regardless of the time of year, at holiday time, this is particularly important. Most of these occasions are more formal. Your host/ess is doing a head count for food, booze, and maybe even place settings.
Don’t be a jackass. Your singular attendance, or lack thereof, is not going to make or break the party, so don’t act like issuing your RSVP is anything more than it actually is: a yes or a no.
Attire
Who doesn’t love an opportunity to get spiffed up a bit? Yeah… let’s talk about what that means.
It’s simple for men.
If the invitation says "cocktail" anywhere on it, wear a suit. Otherwise, you may assume this is a casual gathering and trousers and a button down will do.
No t-shirts, no sneakers, nothing with a hole no matter how “fashionable.”
Ladies, it’s almost easier for you.
Keep your tits, ass, and who-ha tucked out of view. Done! The holidays are not an opportunity to advertise your “assets” and lack of good breeding. It’s 100% possible to look sexy without dipping a nipple in the gravy boat as it passes.
You’ve heard of it: The Hostess Gift
And it's not a snack cake.
Whether it’s the holidays, or a mid-summer barbeque, it is never, ever acceptable to show up at a party empty-handed.
Never.
Ever.
Are we clear?
Do not call, text, or email your hostess with “What can I bring?” She is only going to say, “Nothing at all!" True as this may be, only half of you were actually considering bringing anything anyway; the other half were trying to appear gracious but secretly hoping to hear you’re off the hook. *glares knowingly*
Wine, beer, spirits:
All good unless your host is a Southern Baptist.
Do make an effort to ensure it’s something your host enjoys, and that you’re not treating the gathering as a BYOB unless the invitation specifically stated it as such. It’s incredibly rude to show up with a bottle of your favorite scotch as “gift,” then proceed to drink it yourself. FYI: Pinot Grigio. Just so you know…
Food: Unless it's a pot-luck, or your hostess specifically asked if you wouldn't mind bringing your special dish, just don't do it.
Liquor consumption: the root of your humiliation.
We all know I enjoy my wine and vodka as much as the next gal, and I’m always happy for a reason to gather with my friends and a few bottles. But People, you have got to learn to manage your consumption like a grown-up.
In addition to my day job and this blog, I’m also a bartender. It’s all false eyelashes, big hair, and fishnet stockings so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you, you are not funnier, more attractive or even slightly more interesting when you’re slurring your words or channeling your celebrity crush. You're even less attractive when performing a bump and grind cha-cha, or an impromptu table dance.
In a time of instant technology, consider how many hours you want to unknowingly be tagged in a photo – drunken and showing your bits – for the whole world including your employer and your father, to see. Where is your dignity? Where is your self-respect?
Gentlemen: a note to you on drunk and disorderly.
No. Just… no.
This is a time of joy and glad tidings! Every girl’s dating history includes some drunken, overly “amorous” or belligerent man with a singular focus on fondle or fight. Guys, dinner is not a claim stake. Your open bar office party is not unspoken permission to feel up your girl in public. Mind your manners this holiday season. You want to attract a girl? Try channeling Clark Gable or Sean Connery; not Yosemite Sam or Charlie Sheen.
Open Bar
And while we're on the subject of liquor, let's do talk about the open bar. Whether you've paid a set rate for an open bar package, you're a guest at a wedding, or attending a soiree in someone's home, IF THERE IS A BARTENDER, YOU WILL TIP!!! NO. MATTER. WHAT.
Got it???
You want another drink? Best of luck if you just turned your back after ordering four cocktails. Bartenders remember your face based on the face of the bills you handed over. Did you think I was a bitch because I didn't hop to it when you reappeared? Too bad. You're cheap, so I don't like you.
I suppose that covers it. In a nutshell, look pretty and don’t act like an ass. Try on a shade of elegance. Like lipstick and scotch, there really is one for everybody.
