Shoe Whore

Generally speaking, I do not speak to fashion. Not because it doesn’t interest me, it definitely does! The fabrics, the colors, the statement you get to make with every piece. I gravitate toward those gorgeous classics (think Chanel and hats and gloves), while remembering to stay true to my inner hippie. Clearly this demonstrates that  I possess few constraints or prejudices where fashion is concerned - as long as all the "bits and pieces" are appropriately covered or camouflaged. Still, I leave the topic of fashion alone for the same reason I don't pump my own gas: there are trained professionals for that.

However! With Spring quickly approaching (somewhere!) and limbs on the verge of exposure, it's time to whip out that straight forward, no bullshit delivery of bad news in a fashion area where few can measure to my own expertise.

Brace yourselves.

Ladies – and okay, gentlemen –  your walk is stealing the sexy from your shoes.

Let's start with one very simple, very basic fact: 3+ inches, and platforms, are not for everyone. Unless you're a Southern Girl forced through Charm School where the promenade in high heels is mastered at a very young age, you need to assess the way you walk before you buy. Oh I know, you think your walk is sexy or alluring. But it's not. And showing all that cleavage isn't going to make up for it.

So. What kind of walker are you?

Do you teeter along in a pair of platforms like you're walking on a tightrope?
Do you march along like a stiff-legged soldier, in an attempt not slide into an ass-busting situation? Are you an... oh let's call it "athletic" walker? If not, you still know who I'm talking about (*snicker*). She's apparently never seen a beauty pageant of any kind - even drag! Otherwise she would know that no matter how expensive the footwear, clomping along with her ankles 12" apart makes her look like a linebacker.

There's the "stick up your ass" trotter whose steps are so minuscule I can't help but wonder if she needs to pee, or she really does have an aspirin between her knees. We have the "leaner" who pitches dangerously forward, defying gravity with every step; the "Big Girl" who stuffs her size 8 feet into a size 7 for... well, I don't know why anyone would do that; and finally, the "I think I'm sexy" sashayer who swings her ass so hard both left and right while taking freakishly long yet bent-kneed strides, I'm left feeling both sorry and afraid for her future spine.

Since quite obviously so many women - and okay, men - have absolutely no idea how to dress their feet, for your convenience I've provided the following Shoe Rules. Feel free to print and post on your closet door... 

1. If they aren’t 100% comfortable in the store, they will not “break in.”
2. If the soles are slippery, stop clutching your way across the room and take a scissors to the bottoms in a criss-cross pattern.
3. If you generally live in flip-flops, it's time to accept that you don’t actually possess any fashion sense. Oh, I know you think you do… I also know that you don’t. Find yourself a friend who'll tell you the truth about yourself - if you can take it. You should not be left to your own devices in the shoe department.
4. If you’ve left high school, yet purchased a “cocktail” dress in the “prom” section of a department store, don’t try to match your shoes to it. Return the dress. You know why.
5. If you can’t actually run a full city block in the shoes, you need to believe me when I tell you that you can't walk half a block in them either. I don’t care how amazing you think they look on your feet, it’s always more “mommy’s closet” than “hot mama.”
6. If you're under 5'4" you seriously need to reconsider your collection of flats. They make your legs look short and ass look big - especially when you wear them with skinny jeans.

It's hard to believe that I would need to expand on item 3 above, but recently, I witnessed a perfectly lovely girl in a perfectly lovely cocktail dress intentionally pair it with those horrendous pieces of $0.99 rubber: There is nothing - I repeat, nothing - sexy about flip-flops. Never, ever has the man existed who looked at a woman (or another man, for that matter) and said, "ooooh, yeah! I'd like those flip-flops wrapped around my neck!" Sure, I own a single pair I carry when I go for pedicure, but even those aren't flat! And they have sequins - the answer to all things hideous. Flip-flops are not fashionable. They speak to the same sentiment made about sweatpants by everyone from Karl Lagerfeld to Jerry Seinfield.

"Sweatpants [flip-flops] are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants [flip-flops]." ~ Karl Lagerfeld

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants [flip-flops]? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." ~ Jerry, Pilot Episode of Seinfeld

And that, Dear Readers, is all I care to say about that...

Glide ladies! Glide!