Dear Parents:
If
you insist on waiting for the bus with your kid at the end of your own
freakin’ driveway, do the rest of us a favor and push the little brat
out of your vehicle when you see the bus coming up the street, instead of forcing
four lanes of traffic to stop while Little Timmy unbuckles his seatbelt
(AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY FOR CHRISSAKE!), gathers his backpack, then
hauls himself out of the backseat.
And
while I’m on about it, if the bus is coming and you haven’t yet
ensconced Little Tiffany into your cocoon of safety to make that 50 foot
commute, DON’T! Just send the fatty down under her own steam. I
promise it’ll be faster than:
1. Open door
2. Load backpack
3. Load school project
4. Load kid
5. Buckle kid
6. Close door
7. Open driver’s door
8. Get in
9. Start engine
10. ROLL 50 FREAKIN' FEET!
11. Pop out of driver’s seat
12. Walk like you don’t have a care in the world to the passenger-side back door
13. Open door
14. Unbuckle kid
15. Unload kid
16. Unload school project
17. Unload backpack
18. Walk kid the remaining THREE FEET to the curb
19. Chat up the bus driver
20. Have conversation with kid while he stands on the bus steps
21. Wait for kid to FINALLY FREAKIN' SIT DOWN so that damned flashing red stop sign can be retracted.
Can
you even begin to wrap your self-indulgent, paranoid, little pea brain
around how much of MY TIME you’re stealing? Waiting on you leaves me
with nothing to do but ponder what sort of consequences should be dealt
for your total lack of consideration. I’m sure if I walked the line of
50 or so cars behind me, and the as-far-as-I-can-see number of cars in
front of me, they would agree that your behavior is a stain on society.
Parents,
if you haven’t taught/can’t teach your kids how to stand at the bus
stop without getting into trouble, your troubles have just begun. You’re
doing Little Timmy and Tiffany a terrible injustice; you’re
stealing their baby-sense of independence; and you’re making me mad.
“Oh, but it’s so dangerous for kids nowadays!” you cry.
I cry, “Bullshit.”
Nothing
has changed since we were kids besides the creation of the Amber Alert. I mean, it IS the
fear of kidnapping that drives your ridiculous behavior, right? Cripes.
Let’s put this in perspective. Those of us who are now over, let’s say
40, were in a much tougher spot growing up. We were taught to respect
and always mind our elders. This was in direct opposition to “don’t talk
to, or go with, strangers even if they say they know me.” There was the
real danger, dear Parents. We had to be smart enough to figure out the
difference between doing what we were told, and being “disrespectful” to
an adult, all on our own. And apparently we did. (Probably all that
time spent playing outside in the fresh air, and well away from where
we could be seen by our parents.) As near as I can tell, most kids
today are not taught anything
that even vaguely resembles respect for their elders. And talking to
strangers? That’s all they do on Twitter and FaceBook. I won’t even
begin to get into their behavior on SnapChat.
So, tell me. Whose fault is it that “it’s so dangerous for kids today”?
Let me help: IT’S YOURS!
And you’re an ignorant, delusional ass if you believe otherwise.
By
the way, I composed this entire post while waiting for your lazy ass to
do something about loading your kid on the bus. Imagine what I might
dream up if you had two kids.
Oh, it’s dangerous out there alright…
