Judge Not Lest Ye... oh never mind.

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." ~ Elizabeth Taylor

I'm not judging... as long as your vices are the same as mine, of course. Now the minute you do something I wouldn't, oh yeah... I'm judging.

*snicker*

Don't go getting yourself all in a ruffle over that. You do it, too. The people who say they don't are the same people who claim not to fart.

I've always believed that you can gauge the core of a person's "true self" by the courage they show - or don't show - in their dealings and conversations with others. I can't think of a single redeeming quality to be attached to someone who hides behind anonymity. It's the worst kind of cowardice. It's easy to be sanctimonious when there is no avenue for rebuttal or retribution!

I've never been of that ilk. If I can be bothered to judge you, you can bet the effort won't be wasted by not telling you all about it! I like to do my judging directly because that's more fun - and there's no chance of anything being lost in the translation... unless it's deemed to be particularly or unnecessarily ugly. Those conversations I have alone with the voices in my head. I believe that most grown-ups appreciate that unambiguous character trait.

I'm not claiming to be above judgment. Quite the opposite, actually. If I thought I were without imperfection, I'd have no basis on which to compare the vices of others! Comparison is key, and I got me some vices, People! In no particular order - but because I'm not afraid or embarrassed to be exposed:

I drink... perhaps a lot, who's to judge?
I eat entire meals standing over the sink.
Coffee is my best friend and if it's the only one I ever have, I'm okay with that.
I prefer a Black Angus cheeseburger or a Philly Cheesesteak (with/wiz) over white meats, hands down.
I watch television programming brought to you by the CW.
I swear, I lust, sometimes I envy.
I might bring the wrath of The Universe down on your head before breakfast just because I feel like it.
I own 74 pair of shoes - none of which are flip-flops. I do not count my athletic footwear.

See! I'm nothing if not a pile of judgment opportunities. And since I'm pretty sure that's just the tip of the iceberg, Dear Readers, I feel no compunction about judging the vices of others. We all have them. Oh sure, some of y'all's are closer to fetishes if you ask me, but that's a topic for another blog altogether. Nonetheless, everybody has their "thing." Smokers, drinkers, belly-winkers. The question is, why are so many making a sport out of passing judgment or rendering opinions, then getting all shitty when someone returns the favor? It's ludicrous! And really hypocritical!

I say, be brave! Stand up and be judged! In the grand scheme of things, who really gives a shit? As I am often wont to say, not everyone you know is important. So in the recently overly repeated words of Dr. Seuss:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I'm a little tired of hearing and reading that, but truer words are rarely spoken!

No Praying on Our Watch!

Well! This was unexpected!

So this 17 year old orthodox Jew kid takes his tefillin onboard his flight from La Guardia to who knows where - apparently that wasn't important - and gets the flight diverted for having done it.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the tefillin or, I dunno, haven't read a newspaper, watched the news, or been online, this is a praying device that basically looks like two little boxes with leather straps attached.

A lot of people have really gotten all up in arms about this, citing that the kid should be able to pray, and freedom of religion and blah blah blah...

For some us, the most interesting thing about this incident has nothing to do with the tefillin at all, rather that the flight was diverted to Philadelphia. For those of you who don't fly often, or have been buried beneath an aviation rock, PHL gets shut down for "suspected terrorist activity" - some real, some not so much - so often that regular travelers have begun scheduling evacuation time into their departure plans.

Nonetheless, why Philadelphia? Sure, it's a bit of an armpit, but not everyone in the airport and surrounds is there by choice. Do we get the crazy planes because we have so much experience? Or because our security is just that "top notch." *sarcasm* Hardly a proud statement, or reason for that matter.

Someone with the TSA must've known what the tefillin was. They let him through with it. Are we that suspect of our airport security personnel to do their one little job that we're gonna ruin 300 people's day by forcing them into Philadelphia? An attendant or Air Marshall or someone could've just asked.

So the kid wanted to pray on the plane. I say at least two Hail Bloody Marys every time I fly and that doesn't seem to bother anyone...

Random Whatnots 1... or 3

As of late I've been suffering from a severe case of l'ennui. Not only can't I get motivated to start the process of writing, I can't even work up any enthusiasm to play with my new hair-do - that being the official ennui barometer. Adding insult to injury, no matter how hard I try I just can't work up a good outrage about anything. Perhaps I should be thankful, but the bottom line is this: life's crap is my writing fodder. Right now all I have is a head full of voices and half-baked paragraphs...

...which brings us to the first in my series of Random Whatnots for 2010. These are the things that pop into my head making some of the voices ask what the hell I'm putting in my vodka now. There were only two for 2009, which incidentally I thought was pretty reasonable. I suspect we'll see more than that this year!

[sidebar: You can get caught up on last year's Random Whatnots I and II under May and July 2009, respectively.]

The Trouble with Tissue
The bathrooms in my house have those stand-alone toilet tissue holders. For whatever reason, Mr. Man keeps moving them from the place I designed them to stand, to somewhere... I dunno... more convenient? Admittedly, I was pleased not to have an obstacle between me and the waste bin when I tossed the empty hair conditioner bottle out of the shower this morning, but that ability does not address the question. Why? Why does he move it? Is he just wandering around in there bored and looking for something to do? How about moving the bathroom scale to somewhere I can't see its patronizing digital stare? That kind of movement I could appreciate... and understand.

On Basic Decency
"No manners is worse than no money."
Remember, while some may smile and nod along side you, they're appalled by your actions or words and tend to repeat it to others at your expense. To those who smile and nod without interjection I say only this: coward.

And Speaking of Cowards
... I have a stalker of the Internet variety! Actually, she skulks about looking for, well, I don't know what she's looking for... general information and possible sightings? What I do know is that it makes me feel famous! It's really quite exciting. I never know what she's going to do or say next. Oh, the intrigue!

Now form an orderly line to my left and I'll happily sign autographs!

The GC
I do love a gift card. This may be the best idea ever! Well, except that on my desk at this very moment I have counted16 unused gift cards and gift certificates. Yeah... 16. It's not that I don't appreciate the thought that went into pulling that "just right" gift card off the selection carousel at the supermarket; it's that I don't really have time for the shopping, dining, whatever, required by these. When I do have the time, I'm inevitably caught without said GC on my person. It's not like I'm gonna tote these things around in my pocketbook. I can't even remember the Bed, Bath, and Beyond 20% off coupon that's become a permanent fixture in my glove box.

I'm not criticizing. As a matter of fact, I sometimes think I enjoy the surprise of discovering where you can purchase GCs as much as the GC itself. Who knew my local liquor purveyor issued gift certificates? I wonder, is the GC the new gift-giving cop out?

Cheater, Cheater, Peter-Eater

So I'm cleaning out my spam email box this morning - something I'm forced to do regularly since finding a note from a very old friend in there - and I see a missive from Cassandra; subject line: "Meet up with lonely cheating wives in your area."

Are you fucking kidding me? This! This is what our holistic version of marriage and a lifetime commitment have come to? Spam mail linking men to actual sites where they can hook-up with married-but-willing adulteresses? I was completely horror-struck and disgusted. So...

...obviously I felt compelled to go have a look at what Cassandra was offering. How could the writer in me resist?

What I discovered is that for the low, low price of just $1, you can read personal ads accompanied by photos of, and contact information for, lonely wives today! Some just want to "chat," which I interpret as cybersex or sexting. Others are willing to meet a man anywhere for "relations" and relationships. I also discovered that apparently there are 4,649 lonely wives in the town one over from my own. Frankly, I think that explains a LOT!

Additional site links included: How to Cheat on Your Girlfriend and Not Get Caught: How to Cheat on Your Wife and Not Get Caught; and a list of lonely wife porn sites. My favorite was definitely International House of Wives. I don't believe bacon OR sausage was an option.

Clearly the next step here was to investigate sites where women could "meet up with lonely cheating husbands in your area." It took until page 5 of my Google search to locate a single site for women to find married men to cheat with... and it's located in the U.K. The first 4 pages were completely filled with sites and forums about how to catch a cheating husband or boyfriend.

Does anyone else see the disparity - the huge inequality here?

I browsed a few more Google pages for anything that looked like a dating site where married men could post their personal ads, but alas, it was not to be found. I'm not saying it doesn't exist; I just got bored looking for it.

Steve Harvey once said, "men cheat because there are women out there who will cheat with them." If ever there was a case to be made for his argument, it's right there in the black, white, and blue of your search engine.

I worked with a man once who said he only cheated on his wife with married women since the price for getting caught would be equal. I am appalled. Maybe I'll forward him the email...

Back on the Change Train

The state of affairs of my life used to have a shorter expiration date than the milk in my refrigerator. I made decisions quickly, and though not always wisely, they were made regularly with flair and finality!

Note the past tense.

I'm not sure when the change began... the change from constantly making a change, to lack of changing I mean. What I do know is that the Change Train is coming and I've purchased my ticket.

I'm not attempting to feign surprise with the "grand revelation" that I consciously put myself in situations that I know are not in my own best interest. We all do this, and sometimes we get stuck there. See, there's always some extenuating circumstance to rationalize the behavior. Below are some of my own personal favorites. These are great:

It's not forever, it's just for now.
I'm sure I'm just misinterpreting the situation.
It looks / sounds / appears worse than it is.
Once *insert current issue here* is sorted, then I can move on.

Pathetic. Really. Who SAYS that?

Just so we're clear, I'm not advocating irrational life alterations like a change in locale (no matter where you go, there you are!), quitting your job tomorrow because you just hate it, becoming an overprocessed blonde / brunette / redhead, or abandoning all that's true in your life by making a pact with the Devil in exchange for whatever it is your life lacks. That expert level of change should be left to the Professionals - like myself. The kind of change I'm talking about now is the "personal housekeeping." Think of it as an annual cleaning for the soul.

For instance, isn't it high time you deleted those people from your cell phone you haven't heard from in months? Bear in mind, they may be doing the same to you so don't go getting all shitty if you ring up and they ask who's calling. Friendship is a two-person Tango, People!

Looking for something bigger to satisfy your New Year's Need for Change? How about taking a look at the people you surround  yourself with. You do realize that you become what people think they are. Oh, I know... you don't care what people think... *eyeroll*

Here's a good one I learned about a hundred years ago from my girlfriend Lisa (http://lisa-myinnerlifecoachisabitch.blogspot.com): Take a fucking stand and stick with the truth of what you know - even if you're standing alone. This isn't a popularity contest, and You have to live with You. Please try to remember that the rest of us don't.

I don't know what matters to you. I barely know what matters to me anymore. But when you can't look yourself in the eye long enough to apply mascara, you know that avoidance is no longer your friend. You know who you are. You're looking down the rabbit hole and if something doesn't change, you'll fall easily in and be trapped in an unforgiving place, and maybe for the rest of your life.

Go ahead. Buy your ticket. If you're looking for me, I'll be out on the platform.

*hums Change by Taylor Swift*

Daughters of the Burnt Brassiere

Miracle Bra! Ha! The only miracle here is that I can actually manage to haul my back fat high enough to secure it beneath that oh-so-comfortable underwire.

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror in brassiere and panties apparently bought specifically for the woman who would play me on TV – as opposed to the woman I am in real life – it’s easy to recognize that a man looking for a cheap thrill did not design this brassiere. No, a woman with exactly zero body fat designed it; thus eliminating the thought of making any attempt to forge boobs out of overhang found elsewhere.

Same holds true for the panty. As I attempt to craft an ass where once there was one, using only the material now cleverly disguised as my upper thigh, I am quickly coming to the realization that no amount of money spent in fancy lingerie stores is going to make me look like their catalog model when the dress comes off later. My best bet is for a lights-out-quick dive into the anonymous security of duvet.

Isn’t it interesting that the very garment our mother’s burned in a stand for equality, is the one thing we search ever so diligently for, in the just right sexy size and the just right sexy color? Pull it up, push it together – I am woman, see my boobs!

Clothing designers have clearly not been much help in this area. One year it’s all boob – if you don’t have them, go get them! The next, it’s no boobs at all. If you bought them, take them out! If they’re natural, strap’em down! To the best of my knowledge, my au natural boobs did not come with the hidden zipper compartment. Perhaps I could give them a little lift and check underneath, but if it’s not there, I’m sure yet another style of brassiere is going to be required. How am I supposed to manage my wardrobe when I can’t even manage to keep up with the appropriate “in” boob size?

Unfailingly, following this ever changing size trend is the never popular but always present Dress Dart. Really, someone should enact come sort of standard for these or ban them altogether. It’s either too much boob for this dress size leaving the darts pointing to your chin, or not enough boob for the next size up and a very unbecoming flap of fabric that looks weirdly like pointed yet deflated nipples. If I buy the brassiere that flattens me out like a 12-year-old boy, I can wear the size four. The other option is to purchase the brassiere with 4 inches of padding complete with water inserts, swallow my pride, and buy the size six. I suppose the added bonus here is cleavage – even if it is false advertising.

Frankly, I think the entire garment industry is in cahoots. Irrespective of which size dress you buy, next stop: lingerie. Seems every outfit needs its own special style and color now. You might as well just secure each brassiere on the hanger with the specific ensemble and free up some space in that drawer for support pantyhose.

Life Truths: Notes for 2010

This entry originally posted New Year's Day 2008 on my previous blog site... then again July 2 of 2008... then again in January of 2009 here... and probably again about mid-year. Some things just bear repeating until it takes. Assume you'll see this again in the summer months.

It occurs to me that as we head into the new year full of our latest resolutions (aka personal promises which set us up for failure), it would be a good idea to re-arm with a few basic Life Truths on decorum and ownership. This, of course, is in effort not to repeat some of the more unsavory and sometimes tawdry moments witnessed last year.

1. You are where you are because that, my friend, is where you put yourself. Do not blame your Higher Power, The Universe, or the people around you for your ill-conceived decisions.
2. The Universe is trying to move you in the direction of your life path. Quit acting like you know everything. You don't. So how about you just go ahead and get out of your own way?
3. Life is a "Bring Your Own Water Wings" affair so stop annoying the rest of us with your bitching about how you've been done oh-so-wrong and fucking paddle already.
4. Just because you want it does not mean it's yours to have.
5. You always have a choice. Take the route that will make your grandmother proud.
6. Yes. You're fat. I think I am, too. Now can we please stop having that conversation? It creates a barrier that doesn't allow for meaningful communication.
7. Your true friends will say the things you don't want to hear because they love you... and because they have faith that you already know the truth.
8. Beware false allies and those who try too hard. Therein you will one day discover utlerior motive.
9. When saying no - to anyone for any reason - it absolutely is not necessary to offer an explanation.
10. From Image Consultant and old friend, Beth Newman: Do not participate in "big, bad, bold behavior." It's unseemly and frankly, déclassé. http://www.newmanimage.info/
11. Do not shampoo your hair every day - no matter what.
12. Stop fighting The Universe and you'll stop making stupid mistakes.
13. One minute of your time - especially when you don't "have" it - is worth hours to someone who needs it.
14. Pay attention. This will solve almost all of your "problems."
15. Take heed: a drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
16. People are going to talk. Your choice is whether or not to give them something to talk about!
17. We all humilate ourselves. Get over it. These are the stories of our life's winter.
18. If you think any part of this (or my blog in general) is directed at you, it probably is... I just don't know it. Examine why you do.
19. Your behavior in all situations is 100% on you. Own it or change it. These are the only options.
20. Ladies: If a man wants to be with you, he will always find a way to make that happen. I suppose the same can be said conversely.
21. Choosing not to engage means forfeiting your right to defend yourself against what others say. Know that, ultimately, this is still the best course of action.

That's it. An updated version of the semi-annual reminder in no particular order! Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere else to be.