Young Hearts

So there’s this boy…

YIKES!
Stop with the screeching! I’m aware that I’m married! Get your head outta the place you would go and keep reading.

A sweet boy.
A beautiful boy.
A boy with a voice that could melt ice.
A young boy.

I’ll admit right up front that I probably encouraged him when he made his first, tentative overture. Before you go judging, who amongst you doesn’t have a work-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend? We all know this is a perfectly harmless relationship whose only “benefit” is not having to retrieve your own coffee.

Sometimes though…
Sometimes these things unwittingly get out of hand. Maybe you didn’t notice when his attentions went from friendly-flirty, “I got you an extra shot of espresso in your latte this morning!” to comments from your colleagues about the guy lurking downstairs.

Maybe I noticed but was enjoying the attention.
Maybe it was just being the recipient of unabashed adoration.
Maybe knowing that in hearing the voice or seeing an email – something good was coming my way.

I don’t know, maybe it was all of that… But we all know when to say when. In my case, I had to draw the line at hair sniffing. If he’s close enough to tell you that you smell good, he’s too close.

So I told this beautiful little 25 year boy with the buttery voice that he needed to take his pail and his shovel and exit the sandbox. I didn’t want to play with him anymore; that I’m very busy shopping for track suits and henna for my hair in preparation for retirement to Monterey. He said, (I swear!):

“You’re moving?”
*blink**blink*
[long pause]
“Yeah, baby. That’s it. I’m moving.”

This story was made even funnier by retelling it to Marti. Her response? “I’ll decide how I feel about that as soon as I get done applying bunion cream.”

So, what did I learn from this brief flirtation?

I learned that “not-very-bright” may cross all age ranges and genders, but it’s firmly ensconced in the males-under-30 crowd.

Ah Spring!

I discovered today that during a blogspot conversion last year, a grave number of my entries got all jacked up. The up side is that there's a lot of stuff I don't even remember writing - so that was fun. One of them whose title and contents I vagely recollected reminded me that Spring has sprung. Check it: Fore-Play: A Guide for Men

New entries coming soon! I think... assuming material presents....

Bad Habit #44

Yeah… I have a few. I’ve given up some; embraced others as vices for life. Here’s my deep, dark, confession…

Hello. My name is Peace, and I’m a “what-iffer.”

Ooooh, the tragedy! *flings arm dramatically over face*

It's true, this sad tale. I voluntarily torment myself playing the "what if?" game. It’s not because I’m living a life of regret. I mean, I have regrets. Anyone who says they don’t is a big stinkin’ liar.

No, it's because there’s a lot going on in my head all the freakin' time. Sometimes I do this just to get all the voices focusing on one thing. Mostly though, it’s because I’m a lousy sleeper. Because there's only so much CNN one girl can watch, I’ll lay in the bed playing out different scenarios for when the Genie leaves the bottle and I’m asked, “to what age would you like to return in order to relive your life?”

Holy cow!!!

The veritable Mount Vesuvius of options! 16? 24? 29? 34? Each year had a major milestone during which I either made just the most impossibly wrong choice, or completely fucked up the right one… Sometimes I just wanna go back so I can say something altogether different than what I said, and that would change something else that I wish never happened. Occasionally I only bump back a week or a year. Just far enough to correct something, which generally means say something I didn’t say when I had the opportunity to say it.

If I’m wildly pissed at the world, I go to 16 when I had two choices: this, or that.
I chose this and I gotta say, every single day of my life I wish I would’ve chosen that because absolutely nothing would have been what it was.
Whatever.
Bygones.

Okay, so back to this stupid mind-fuck of a game I play. After deciding on an age, next I factor in whether or not Genie Funkypants is letting me return to the past knowing everything I know now.

 

It's been said that you’ll fuck up the time/space continuum if you change the past during time travel. Still, no one can say that they wouldn’t change something… so I argue the benefit of letting me go forth with full knowledge of all events. Since this is my impossibly ridiculous game, and there are no consequences, I like to start off by doing something selfless: “Dude! I know you think she’s gorgeous, but keep your zipper in the upright and locked position!”

[Sidebar: I have to assume that there’s actually someone out there practicing actual time travel since we’ve been programmed to believe that business about upsetting the continuum. But who *knows* this for certain? How do we know it all won’t work out just fine anyway?]

So after issuing a few much needed warnings, next stop...

Top 10 Things I Would TOTALLY Do If I Knew Then What I Know Now

1.   Buy Apple stock
2.   Buy Apple stock
3.   Buy Apple stock
4.   Buy Apple stock
5.   Buy Apple stock
6.   Buy Apple stock
7.   Buy Apple stock
8.   Buy Apple stock
9.   Buy Apple stock
10. Buy Apple stock and not cop out on this list

Top 10 Things I Would NEVER Do If I Knew Then What I Know Now

1. Lose my virginity to the guy I did

2. Yeah...

3. Ummm...

4. Other things...

5. *wanders off whistling*

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

That list would serve no purpose but to hurt feelings. It’s not that I would want to give back so many of the amazing experiences, great loves, astonishing people…totally wouldn't. But come on. Everyone sometimes secretly wishes for a totally different ending to particular chapter.

Since I can't ever do anything just a little bit, I usually wind up at "My Totally New Imaginary Life" and even I'm bored by then, so sleep can't be far away...

*clicks back to CNN*