TNR: Trap, Neuter, Release

You know how “they” say that death comes in threes? Well, apparently bad relationships do, too – though maybe that’s redundant.

Historically, I go three bad, then one so good I panic and fuck it up…immediately returning to the first of three bad. It’s a vicious cycle really. One would think I’d be dizzy by now and maybe, oh I dunno, get off the ride!

Speaking of threes, I also have three friends currently embroiled in relationships that are speeding toward Dead Ends-ville and not one of them will look it in the eye. I’m not judging. I’ve been there.

I think what we need is a new approach to getting involved in relationships altogether. I’m just spitballin’ here, but how about this…

TNR: Trap – Neuter – Release.

The premise is that we could save others from inevitable misery by identifying those who will mess with your head, or fuck you over because they’re all fucked up. We could do our brethren a solid by making these people readily recognizable, preferably to the naked eye.

Trap
It sounds worse than it is. This is the act of entertaining a relationship with the object of your affection/lust. Assessment should begin post-haste so that the “cute” things (read: crazy or sociopathic behaviors) don’t get overlooked early. This is an important phase in the project as you’re coloring the impression of your partner for all those to come. I recommend going with your gut. It’s better equipped to deal with the truth than your heart or throbbing genitalia.

Note: Even if you’re not particularly interested in an actual relationship, you’re welcome to participate in this objective for sport. Think of it as a community service.

Neuter
We need some boundaries here. I’m neither advocating nor suggesting the maiming or removal of actual reproductive organs… that would be illegal no matter how attractive the idea or how much it would benefit the world's gene pool. When I say “neuter” I mean to permanently identify as less-than-desirable, thus limiting the opportunities for reproduction.

Okay. So you’ve discovered some horrible personality trait or habitual behavior during your Trap Assessment that should not be inflicted on others of your gender or sexual orientation. As I ponder the execution of this step, it occurs to me that there are certainly plenty of options – from a drunken trip to the tattoo studio for the secret ink, to tagging the ear with your pre-registered Trapper number. I probably need to sort that bit out before wide release of TNR v1.1. All suggestions are welcomed.

Release
In theory, this should be the easy part; however, let’s remember what we’re dealing with here. There’s always the possibility that some of us might have to change our phone number, quit our job, or move to another state and assume an alias – so there’s that to consider before participating in this much needed social experiment.

Since you don’t want to send your newly neutered prey over the edge, I suggest implementing the liquor-lubricated band-aid Release methodology so as to delay any possible repercussions when you deliver back into the wild. No explanation for this action is required. If you’d care to offer up one though, might I suggest “it’s not me, it’s you.”

Once the bugs are worked out, I’m pretty sure that widespread use of TNR could be the next great advancement in dating. Ultimately, a National Registry with open online viewing access would be a useful tool, complete with a BOLO page for those slippery ones that get away without the requisite tagging.

*smiles contently*

How great to know that someone else has already determined a level of undesirable behavior or crazy significant enough to deem warning-worthy to the rest of the world. Of course, it’s subjective… I mean, one man’s crazy is another man’s delightfully kinky.

The Meaning of Life According to M. Thurzo

*stares at blinking cursor on blank page*
*sighs*

People send me video clips. I don’t know why really, they just do. So while I’m very busy self-censoring, I thought I’d share this one… mostly because it was on top. It’s not that I don’t think you, Dear Reader, are worth rooting around for something hysterical – you totally are. But I’m feeling introspective since I’ve had to duct tape my mouth shut. I’m hoping during this period of forced silence I’ll get blind-sided by a ton of ridiculous thoughts I have to share. Until then, mull.

Many thanks to Martin Thurzo

Heart This!

Ahh, Valentine's Day.

Cupids, flowers, singing telegrams, dinner reservations, last minute gifts, and sex. If ever a holiday were invented solely to make people feel bad about their relationship status, this is it.

From my single friends' perspective, I'm a traitor and a rat. For one day I am no longer "one of them." Men and women alike get that resentful glare/smile that makes me feel worse than the hours leading up to midnight on New Year's Eve. If you're single and don't want to be, perhaps you should assess your "bar." Or, find a new bar...

As for the "marrieds" - it's a ridiculous competition of who go what "little gift" from the Husband. They flit about showing off new diamonds or other precious gems and gushing about whatever else "the most wonderful man in the world" did.

*eyeroll*
Me thinks thou overstates...

Last year Mr. Man skipped this particular celebration. He claimed that he never believed in the Hallmark holidays. WHAT? Since when? This declaration forced me to my brassiere drawer where I'd stashed 7 years worth of Valentine's Day cards.

Factoid: approximately 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are exchanged annually worldwide. You'd think I coulda gotten at least one.

I'm still not sure why I got all riled up about it unless it was because once again the gold crown of Hallmark made sure that no matter how little regard I gave the date, I inevitably set myself up for disappointment. Admittedly, not as disappointed as the significant others of the victims of the St. Valentine's Day massacre, but frankly I blame prohibition for that mess. They shoulda seen it coming.

Yo y Mi Circunstancia (Me and My Circumstance)

A dear friend of mine shared this maxim recently and it really stuck. Here’s the gist, no one – and I mean no one – can actually understand your situation when you’re making the hard decisions. It’s you and your circumstances; not them and theirs.

I really hate the phrase “trust me” when someone is offering up their opinion or advice. Perhaps in their situation, the decision they made was right for them. But that does not automatically mean, should you find yourself in similar circumstances, that their course of action – or inaction – is right or appropriate for yours. You’re a completely different person with a completely different dynamic and energy.

Butt out.
It’s really none of your business.
You don’t exist in the circumstance.