Thursday, July 29, 2010
We're here! We're here!
Due to an unfortunate incident last week, I'm left typing with just two fingers. Fear not... I look to be employing the use of additional digits soon! In the meantime, cull the archives. Surely something there will pique your interest!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Love Stinks
I’ve never denied that I’m a little broken. Most of us are, really. I suppose “most” want to hide this fact, but from where I stand, I can’t see the point. I used to be one of the “most” but then discovered that trying to hide the mammoth pile that constitutes my flaws only sets me up to disappoint myself or someone else. Besides, broken is my cash cow!
Living amongst the excruciatingly long list of my many, many flaws is an entire section devoted to my extensive experience in disastrous decisions, inclusive of subsections containing chapters, footnotes, cross-references and my personal journals cataloged into a bibliography. I suppose that’s why people are comfortable seeking out my thoughts on their equally screwed up lives. (Note: I did not say advice. That would be counterproductive on their part, obviously.) I have a lot of relationship material to draw on; great relationships and ghastly ones, horrifying and seemingly endless serial dating, paralyzing break-ups, ridiculously stupid affairs, and dodgy one-night stands. It would then stand to good reasoning that I’ve developed some thoughts on the topic of relationships.
By way of disclaimer, I’m not suggesting that I’ve managed to employ the following in anything more than theory. Sometimes you just have to do as I say, not as I do. I am, and for you Dear Readers I will remain, your constant source for a cautionary tale.
Okay. Here we go:
Mull this: shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate our little quirks, but actually likes them? You deserve to be with someone who understands your brand of happiness.
People who complicate your life rather than make it easier for you to breathe are not good for you, no matter how bangin’ the body or fantastic the hair. Simplify. Close the circle a bit. If your responsibilities within the relationship leave you overwrought by the struggle to hold it together alone, remind yourself that it will never, ever get any better or easier.
I read somewhere – maybe in a toilet stall – that there are people who take the heart out of you and there are people who put it back. There’s no sense crying yourself to sleep for nights on end. That will only guarantee a pissy morning of trying to get your eyelashes on, or a lousy ballgame after work. Take a deep breath and look around. Someone is waiting, and excited about you.
ALL relationships, whether with friends or lovers, ebb and wane. Rule of thumb: when caught in the riptide, don’t fight it. Swim parallel to the shore.
Try to remember that love doesn’t hurt. Disappointment, broken trust, lack of respect, a kick in the shins… these things hurt. These things are not love. Take solace in knowing that once you leave that kind of “love” behind, the pain goes away pretty quickly. While you wait you can reflect on the lesson you just learned.
Love does not take hostages. We tend to get wrapped up, tied down, and brainwashed into thinking that if it’s not working, we deserve the misery because we failed. Own your half and get the hell out. Waiting a week, a month, a year, is not going to change the outcome. It will only ensure you have to wait longer for someone who wants to be with you.
You cannot retrieve a missed opportunity. Stop worrying about looking like an ass and just say what you have to say.
“I love you whether you care or not.”
“I hate you and that should matter.”
“Helloooo, hot pants! What’s your sign!”
Don’t spend so much time in your head thinking about what you want to say. Just blurt it out. It may go great, it may go rot. Either way, you can say you were brave enough to do it. We all make mistakes… don’t make yours one of “what-might-have-been.” And don’t wait. Time is always of the essence.
For your own sake and the sensibilities of your friends, learn to say “no.” It’s the only real way to avoid bitterness and repeated bad reconciliations. It’s equally as important to remember that no means no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you feel, and offering one will have you halfway back to yes. Stand your ground! I would suggest doing so in the yard with a beverage.
Don’t be afraid to fail in a HUGE way! Huge risk makes success sweeter and failure funnier.
When someone doesn’t remember things you’ve said or requests you’ve made, know that it’s not because they have a poor memory. It’s because you don’t matter enough for them to bother paying attention. This is an irrefutable fact. Sorry.
Change. Change yourself, your circumstance, your hair color, whatever isn’t working. That said, do not make changes for someone else that are not a personal improvement. For example, it’s an easy thing to dash off your habit of leaving your crap strewn all over your abode if it bothers the people/person you live with. This is a personal change that has been scientifically proven to aid in clearer, more productive thought processing, thus, a positive personal change. There is no positive personal change in giving up your standards, morals, convictions, or money to someone else.
Learn when to let go. It’s a waste of time to wish for the impossible.
Living amongst the excruciatingly long list of my many, many flaws is an entire section devoted to my extensive experience in disastrous decisions, inclusive of subsections containing chapters, footnotes, cross-references and my personal journals cataloged into a bibliography. I suppose that’s why people are comfortable seeking out my thoughts on their equally screwed up lives. (Note: I did not say advice. That would be counterproductive on their part, obviously.) I have a lot of relationship material to draw on; great relationships and ghastly ones, horrifying and seemingly endless serial dating, paralyzing break-ups, ridiculously stupid affairs, and dodgy one-night stands. It would then stand to good reasoning that I’ve developed some thoughts on the topic of relationships.
By way of disclaimer, I’m not suggesting that I’ve managed to employ the following in anything more than theory. Sometimes you just have to do as I say, not as I do. I am, and for you Dear Readers I will remain, your constant source for a cautionary tale.
Okay. Here we go:
Mull this: shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate our little quirks, but actually likes them? You deserve to be with someone who understands your brand of happiness.
People who complicate your life rather than make it easier for you to breathe are not good for you, no matter how bangin’ the body or fantastic the hair. Simplify. Close the circle a bit. If your responsibilities within the relationship leave you overwrought by the struggle to hold it together alone, remind yourself that it will never, ever get any better or easier.
I read somewhere – maybe in a toilet stall – that there are people who take the heart out of you and there are people who put it back. There’s no sense crying yourself to sleep for nights on end. That will only guarantee a pissy morning of trying to get your eyelashes on, or a lousy ballgame after work. Take a deep breath and look around. Someone is waiting, and excited about you.
ALL relationships, whether with friends or lovers, ebb and wane. Rule of thumb: when caught in the riptide, don’t fight it. Swim parallel to the shore.
Try to remember that love doesn’t hurt. Disappointment, broken trust, lack of respect, a kick in the shins… these things hurt. These things are not love. Take solace in knowing that once you leave that kind of “love” behind, the pain goes away pretty quickly. While you wait you can reflect on the lesson you just learned.
Love does not take hostages. We tend to get wrapped up, tied down, and brainwashed into thinking that if it’s not working, we deserve the misery because we failed. Own your half and get the hell out. Waiting a week, a month, a year, is not going to change the outcome. It will only ensure you have to wait longer for someone who wants to be with you.
You cannot retrieve a missed opportunity. Stop worrying about looking like an ass and just say what you have to say.
“I love you whether you care or not.”
“I hate you and that should matter.”
“Helloooo, hot pants! What’s your sign!”
Don’t spend so much time in your head thinking about what you want to say. Just blurt it out. It may go great, it may go rot. Either way, you can say you were brave enough to do it. We all make mistakes… don’t make yours one of “what-might-have-been.” And don’t wait. Time is always of the essence.
For your own sake and the sensibilities of your friends, learn to say “no.” It’s the only real way to avoid bitterness and repeated bad reconciliations. It’s equally as important to remember that no means no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you feel, and offering one will have you halfway back to yes. Stand your ground! I would suggest doing so in the yard with a beverage.
Don’t be afraid to fail in a HUGE way! Huge risk makes success sweeter and failure funnier.
When someone doesn’t remember things you’ve said or requests you’ve made, know that it’s not because they have a poor memory. It’s because you don’t matter enough for them to bother paying attention. This is an irrefutable fact. Sorry.
Change. Change yourself, your circumstance, your hair color, whatever isn’t working. That said, do not make changes for someone else that are not a personal improvement. For example, it’s an easy thing to dash off your habit of leaving your crap strewn all over your abode if it bothers the people/person you live with. This is a personal change that has been scientifically proven to aid in clearer, more productive thought processing, thus, a positive personal change. There is no positive personal change in giving up your standards, morals, convictions, or money to someone else.
Learn when to let go. It’s a waste of time to wish for the impossible.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Three of a Kind
“What we’ve got here, is a failure to communicate.” ~ Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke (1967)
Though not the intention, when applied to relationships between men and women, truer words were never spoken. What men say and what women hear could not possibly be more at odds. In most cases we could close the gap if, as women, we would quit trying to read between the lines and just accept the actual words.
I’ll be the first to admit that for years I thought all of this was nothing more than propaganda generated to allow men an “out” for being too damned lazy to actually participate in the parts of a relationship that don’t involve sex. If that makes you want to throw yourself into the bottom of a vodka bottle, take heed: rumor has it some men actually understand that work is required on their part too, if they intend to consistently have sex for the rest of their lives.
Sorry, no, I don’t have those phone numbers…
“Men are either playing with you, or planning with you.” ~ Steve Harvey
I’m a big fan of Mr. Harvey’s book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” Here’s the thing though… if you’re not willing to take a hard look at your own crazy behavior, girls you are not going to like what he has to say. I’m not saying I agree with all of it (Mr. Harvey – it’s impossible for me to take your “power” away from you, sir), but he does make some valid if hard to swallow points. Make this your mantra: He’s either playing with me or planning with me. Figure that out then you can decide if you’re going to be his booty-call or his partner.
“Men are only as loyal as their options.” ~ Bill Maher
This is true from the beer they drink to the dates they keep. I’ve never heard a guy say “no, thanks” to a beer just because it’s not his preferred brand. They think of dating the same way. “Sure, she’s not the one I want, but I’ll totally take her for now.” Now, do you really want to be his emergency-back-up-spare? Of course not! But as long as there are options, he’ll be making choices. Your success is based on your ability is to limit the options - not by shortening his leash, but by becoming the only beer he wants to drink. If he’s a true blue Bud man and you’re offering up the ice-cold mountains of the Rockies, what do you suppose he’s going to do?
“A man has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason, and the real reason.” ~ JP Morgan
This means if you come home to discover flowers “just because you deserve them” – which is totally true; your dry cleaning has mysteriously appeared in your closet or dinner is on the table “because I know how busy you are,” go shave your legs. He believes in his actions, which = a good reason. He also knows that this is the quickest way to get you into the bed = the real reason.
There you are, ladies – three very different men with the same idea. If you can master these, you’re armed with all the knowledge to keep or discard any man in your life, on your terms. To all non-believers I say this: eventually you will have to embrace the fact that men are, in essence, just simple… and incredibly self-indulgent. They think using their small words. If you just listen to them, you’ll get all the information you need.
Here are your new rules:
1. Do not assume there’s ever an “implied” anything. They don’t know how to do that. Implying things is strictly girl territory; a bad habit which should be broken posthaste.
2. If his words were, “I’ll text you” (ewww! really?) and you don’t hear from him until late one Saturday night with the excuse that he lost his phone – that’s playing with you.
3. Another example of playing not planning: you invite him to a BBQ next weekend and he says, “I’ll have to let you know.” Oh, he already knows… he’s just gonna confirm that nothing better comes along before committing.
4. If a man wants to be with you, he will find a way to make that happen! Go ahead, I'll wait while you read it again.
5. Stop being so accommodating. You just look easy.
6. Remember that if he needs a short leash, he’s a runner. In the long run that’s just entirely too much work for too little return.
7. As long as he has options, so do you. Exercise yours not to look like a pathetic, spineless, sad-sack by clinging on to something that doesn’t exist.
Lastly, please stop dragging your girlfriends through your mind-numbing renditions of every conversation, text, or email. It’s very difficult for us to tell you what you truly already know: that he’s a cad. Hear what he says and save a friendship. It’s a win-win.
Though not the intention, when applied to relationships between men and women, truer words were never spoken. What men say and what women hear could not possibly be more at odds. In most cases we could close the gap if, as women, we would quit trying to read between the lines and just accept the actual words.
I’ll be the first to admit that for years I thought all of this was nothing more than propaganda generated to allow men an “out” for being too damned lazy to actually participate in the parts of a relationship that don’t involve sex. If that makes you want to throw yourself into the bottom of a vodka bottle, take heed: rumor has it some men actually understand that work is required on their part too, if they intend to consistently have sex for the rest of their lives.
Sorry, no, I don’t have those phone numbers…
“Men are either playing with you, or planning with you.” ~ Steve Harvey
I’m a big fan of Mr. Harvey’s book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” Here’s the thing though… if you’re not willing to take a hard look at your own crazy behavior, girls you are not going to like what he has to say. I’m not saying I agree with all of it (Mr. Harvey – it’s impossible for me to take your “power” away from you, sir), but he does make some valid if hard to swallow points. Make this your mantra: He’s either playing with me or planning with me. Figure that out then you can decide if you’re going to be his booty-call or his partner.
“Men are only as loyal as their options.” ~ Bill Maher
This is true from the beer they drink to the dates they keep. I’ve never heard a guy say “no, thanks” to a beer just because it’s not his preferred brand. They think of dating the same way. “Sure, she’s not the one I want, but I’ll totally take her for now.” Now, do you really want to be his emergency-back-up-spare? Of course not! But as long as there are options, he’ll be making choices. Your success is based on your ability is to limit the options - not by shortening his leash, but by becoming the only beer he wants to drink. If he’s a true blue Bud man and you’re offering up the ice-cold mountains of the Rockies, what do you suppose he’s going to do?
“A man has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason, and the real reason.” ~ JP Morgan
This means if you come home to discover flowers “just because you deserve them” – which is totally true; your dry cleaning has mysteriously appeared in your closet or dinner is on the table “because I know how busy you are,” go shave your legs. He believes in his actions, which = a good reason. He also knows that this is the quickest way to get you into the bed = the real reason.
There you are, ladies – three very different men with the same idea. If you can master these, you’re armed with all the knowledge to keep or discard any man in your life, on your terms. To all non-believers I say this: eventually you will have to embrace the fact that men are, in essence, just simple… and incredibly self-indulgent. They think using their small words. If you just listen to them, you’ll get all the information you need.
Here are your new rules:
1. Do not assume there’s ever an “implied” anything. They don’t know how to do that. Implying things is strictly girl territory; a bad habit which should be broken posthaste.
2. If his words were, “I’ll text you” (ewww! really?) and you don’t hear from him until late one Saturday night with the excuse that he lost his phone – that’s playing with you.
3. Another example of playing not planning: you invite him to a BBQ next weekend and he says, “I’ll have to let you know.” Oh, he already knows… he’s just gonna confirm that nothing better comes along before committing.
4. If a man wants to be with you, he will find a way to make that happen! Go ahead, I'll wait while you read it again.
5. Stop being so accommodating. You just look easy.
6. Remember that if he needs a short leash, he’s a runner. In the long run that’s just entirely too much work for too little return.
7. As long as he has options, so do you. Exercise yours not to look like a pathetic, spineless, sad-sack by clinging on to something that doesn’t exist.
Lastly, please stop dragging your girlfriends through your mind-numbing renditions of every conversation, text, or email. It’s very difficult for us to tell you what you truly already know: that he’s a cad. Hear what he says and save a friendship. It’s a win-win.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Malapropism
In an effort to stem the tidal wave of your hate mail right upfront, I’m going to kick this off by telling you that I have a vocal accent… of the Southern variety. That said, I’m the perfect person to take issue with word pronunciation given that I use entirely too many vowels, and alongside everyone else in the great state of Texas I was once forced to learn how to say “Sesquicentennial.” Seems to me that the word “ask” shouldn’t be that tough.
Inasmuch as I support the expansion of the English language with real words, I find the social acceptance of mispronunciation abhorrent. If we’re going to stand by the notion that we don’t want people to judge us by how we look, and according some of the misbegotten suggestions left in the Comments section of DNR: The English Language, we shouldn’t be judged by how we communicate, how then should we go about the process of forming impressions of people? Do you really want to paint yourself into that corner?
Bottom line is this: like it or not, you are going to be judged by how you speak: your ability to conjugate a verb correctly, your basic grammar skills, and your level of competent enunciation. No one is asking you to get Sesquicentennial right the first time; my exception here is with the pure laziness of not bothering - even with the easy ones. Here are a few, in no particular order, to demonstrate the point:
Woof: this is something an animal does. In this case, the animal is question is a wolf. See the “L”? Don’t be afraid to use it.
Gawf: that’s the best I can communicate that one. The word is “golf” – see above.
Birfday: I’ve said it before… unless you’re missing teeth or in speech therapy, just stop it. Contrary to the movie running in your head, it’s not cute and puts your maturity level in question.
Feberary: say it slowly: Feb ru ary. It’s almost as though that first “r” is silent… which would be a nice direction for those who refuse to get this right.
Valentime: time to find a new Valentine, I’d say.
Libary: really? Isn’t there a dictionary stored there?
Probly or Prolly: *eyeroll* probably going to cement that position in a minimum wage job.
Supposively: I… I… I don’t even know where to start with this one. What is a supposive? *sighs* It’s supposedly. That’s right… with a “d.”
Spayded: let’s hope the mother of that imbecile was spayed after this runt was born.
You may ask, "why should I heed this advice?"
Because people don’t take you seriously. You sound like an illiterate imbecile. Yeeees, I get that there are colloquial variations - we've already talked aboout my vowels, and nobody loves the sound of a man from Boston or Brooklyn more than I do! But knowing the difference and monitoring your pronunciation is essential if you don’t want people to treat you like the village idiot... or a drunk.
Don’t go getting all salty over that remark. A “handler” once told me that my accent was distracting and made me sound uneducated. I was wholly insulted… at first. Then I began to see a modicum of validity. Sure, lots of folks – mostly men – find my accent charming. But when I’m standing in front of a room full of people, is “charming” what I want the audience to walk away with? It’s really not any different than when a woman shows too much cleavage. No one is taking her seriously. They’re completely focused on whether or not she did it on purpose. Mispronunciation is the equivalent of mental boobage. Don't believe me? Watch their faces when you "ax" if there are questions.
Just so I'm perfectly clear, the issue at hand is not with accents. No one is telling you to shed yours. Only to know the difference and to stop pronouncing words like a three-year old because you think it's cute, or because you're too damned lazy to use your tongue. That doesn't bode well for anyone...
I was thinking that I might also take issue with using words whose definitions you don't know but you've decided make you sound smart - when in truth you just “showed a nipple” - but I’ll save it for another time. Besides, I’m sure that much like my previous rants on the issues of grammar and the degeneration of our language, it's a moot point… so don't be afraid to stay mute and ensure you don’t show your ass as well as your boobs.
Inasmuch as I support the expansion of the English language with real words, I find the social acceptance of mispronunciation abhorrent. If we’re going to stand by the notion that we don’t want people to judge us by how we look, and according some of the misbegotten suggestions left in the Comments section of DNR: The English Language, we shouldn’t be judged by how we communicate, how then should we go about the process of forming impressions of people? Do you really want to paint yourself into that corner?
Bottom line is this: like it or not, you are going to be judged by how you speak: your ability to conjugate a verb correctly, your basic grammar skills, and your level of competent enunciation. No one is asking you to get Sesquicentennial right the first time; my exception here is with the pure laziness of not bothering - even with the easy ones. Here are a few, in no particular order, to demonstrate the point:
Woof: this is something an animal does. In this case, the animal is question is a wolf. See the “L”? Don’t be afraid to use it.
Gawf: that’s the best I can communicate that one. The word is “golf” – see above.
Birfday: I’ve said it before… unless you’re missing teeth or in speech therapy, just stop it. Contrary to the movie running in your head, it’s not cute and puts your maturity level in question.
Feberary: say it slowly: Feb ru ary. It’s almost as though that first “r” is silent… which would be a nice direction for those who refuse to get this right.
Valentime: time to find a new Valentine, I’d say.
Libary: really? Isn’t there a dictionary stored there?
Probly or Prolly: *eyeroll* probably going to cement that position in a minimum wage job.
Supposively: I… I… I don’t even know where to start with this one. What is a supposive? *sighs* It’s supposedly. That’s right… with a “d.”
Spayded: let’s hope the mother of that imbecile was spayed after this runt was born.
You may ask, "why should I heed this advice?"
Because people don’t take you seriously. You sound like an illiterate imbecile. Yeeees, I get that there are colloquial variations - we've already talked aboout my vowels, and nobody loves the sound of a man from Boston or Brooklyn more than I do! But knowing the difference and monitoring your pronunciation is essential if you don’t want people to treat you like the village idiot... or a drunk.
Don’t go getting all salty over that remark. A “handler” once told me that my accent was distracting and made me sound uneducated. I was wholly insulted… at first. Then I began to see a modicum of validity. Sure, lots of folks – mostly men – find my accent charming. But when I’m standing in front of a room full of people, is “charming” what I want the audience to walk away with? It’s really not any different than when a woman shows too much cleavage. No one is taking her seriously. They’re completely focused on whether or not she did it on purpose. Mispronunciation is the equivalent of mental boobage. Don't believe me? Watch their faces when you "ax" if there are questions.
Just so I'm perfectly clear, the issue at hand is not with accents. No one is telling you to shed yours. Only to know the difference and to stop pronouncing words like a three-year old because you think it's cute, or because you're too damned lazy to use your tongue. That doesn't bode well for anyone...
I was thinking that I might also take issue with using words whose definitions you don't know but you've decided make you sound smart - when in truth you just “showed a nipple” - but I’ll save it for another time. Besides, I’m sure that much like my previous rants on the issues of grammar and the degeneration of our language, it's a moot point… so don't be afraid to stay mute and ensure you don’t show your ass as well as your boobs.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Kid-Free America!
During my morning perusal of all things new in the overnight, I tripped over a link titled “One thing 1 in 5 Women Will Never Do.” Well, well, well! Interest piqued!
*click*
According to the Pew Research Center we’re not having children. That’s right, apparently The Universe alongside Impolite Society are going to have to throw in the towel on catty comments and pressuring the childless. The report cites factors such as the increased effectiveness of birth control and the fact that women are delaying that little sashay down the aisle longer in order to advance their career, partake in the joie de vivre longer, or just find the right man for a change – though marital status not does not skew the numbers here. Bottom line: women are choosing not to have a posse of little snot-nosed heathen screaming for attention and breaking the Waterford.
This all made perfect sense to me and I was thrilled to see the legion growing.
Not surprisingly, and the actual point of the research, the women most likely not to have children are the most educated of our gender. Reaction: “of course! They make the most money and have better stuff”… followed by: “oh shit.”
Now before you gals with children start scroll-racing to the Comments section to compose your scathing remarks because you’ve decided I just called you stupid, let me clarify here that all women are making choices! You may chose to settle into a life of never doing anything without a minimum of 6 hours prep time, while 20% of the adult female population is now saying, “sure! I can be out the door in 15 minutes. Send a car!” This is all about a recorded change in the reproductive dynamic, so just keep reading.
Just the facts, ma’am:
Of women with a college education, the following childless-ness was determined:
Bachelor’s: 1 in 4.34 (yeah… I don’t know how they divide a woman.)
Master’s: 1 in 4
Ph.D.: 1 in 4.34
No college degree: only 1 in 15-18 does NOT have a child, depending on total education
Outside of the education issue, women of all races are beginning to take a pass on the childbearing. I was just beginning to speculate about that little tidbit...
And then!
The researchers began asking for opinions. Yippee! Nothing makes me happier than an opportunity for people to let their own unresolved issues and poor judgment influence the lives of others!
When the study participants were asked if they felt people (meaning both men and women) “lead an empty life,” if they didn’t shoot mini-mes from their loins, 39% said yes. The remaining 61% apparently laughed.
Also baffling, 41% said that children were an important part of achieving a successful marriage. Hmmm. Apparently the 1950’s are resurging. “If we just have a baby everything will be okay!” *eyeroll* Luckily this number is on the decline too, because as far as I’m concerned the only old school thinking that should be experiencing a revival is the Retrosexual Man and polite society.
All those statistics aside, we know that children whose parents completed college are more likely to follow suit. If the number of women holding a degree who also feel that Baby Gap is Mecca continues to decline, where will that leave us? I’m just thinking that this trend could mean the continued degeneration of native innovation and world domination!
Given the general “dumbing down” of our society - from spoon feeding politics to disregarding the very basics of grammar and good communication - it seems ill-advised for the women with the highest education to choose Louboutin’s over prams. Now just so we’re clear, I totally get it; I’m one women you’ll never see running behind a jog-stroller, tossing aside my very high heels for mommy-friendly flats, or forgoing a case of good wine for Gymboree registration. I do not vacation places where I might be exposed to or otherwise experience a child, when "child" is defined as anyone not old enough to buy me a martini.
So sadly, girls, if we’re not planning to leave behind what will eventually degenerate into a third-world country, I think some of ya’ll are going to have to take one for the team.
Show of hands?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Maybe in the back?
*click*
According to the Pew Research Center we’re not having children. That’s right, apparently The Universe alongside Impolite Society are going to have to throw in the towel on catty comments and pressuring the childless. The report cites factors such as the increased effectiveness of birth control and the fact that women are delaying that little sashay down the aisle longer in order to advance their career, partake in the joie de vivre longer, or just find the right man for a change – though marital status not does not skew the numbers here. Bottom line: women are choosing not to have a posse of little snot-nosed heathen screaming for attention and breaking the Waterford.
This all made perfect sense to me and I was thrilled to see the legion growing.
Not surprisingly, and the actual point of the research, the women most likely not to have children are the most educated of our gender. Reaction: “of course! They make the most money and have better stuff”… followed by: “oh shit.”
Now before you gals with children start scroll-racing to the Comments section to compose your scathing remarks because you’ve decided I just called you stupid, let me clarify here that all women are making choices! You may chose to settle into a life of never doing anything without a minimum of 6 hours prep time, while 20% of the adult female population is now saying, “sure! I can be out the door in 15 minutes. Send a car!” This is all about a recorded change in the reproductive dynamic, so just keep reading.
Just the facts, ma’am:
Of women with a college education, the following childless-ness was determined:
Bachelor’s: 1 in 4.34 (yeah… I don’t know how they divide a woman.)
Master’s: 1 in 4
Ph.D.: 1 in 4.34
No college degree: only 1 in 15-18 does NOT have a child, depending on total education
Outside of the education issue, women of all races are beginning to take a pass on the childbearing. I was just beginning to speculate about that little tidbit...
And then!
The researchers began asking for opinions. Yippee! Nothing makes me happier than an opportunity for people to let their own unresolved issues and poor judgment influence the lives of others!
When the study participants were asked if they felt people (meaning both men and women) “lead an empty life,” if they didn’t shoot mini-mes from their loins, 39% said yes. The remaining 61% apparently laughed.
Also baffling, 41% said that children were an important part of achieving a successful marriage. Hmmm. Apparently the 1950’s are resurging. “If we just have a baby everything will be okay!” *eyeroll* Luckily this number is on the decline too, because as far as I’m concerned the only old school thinking that should be experiencing a revival is the Retrosexual Man and polite society.
All those statistics aside, we know that children whose parents completed college are more likely to follow suit. If the number of women holding a degree who also feel that Baby Gap is Mecca continues to decline, where will that leave us? I’m just thinking that this trend could mean the continued degeneration of native innovation and world domination!
Given the general “dumbing down” of our society - from spoon feeding politics to disregarding the very basics of grammar and good communication - it seems ill-advised for the women with the highest education to choose Louboutin’s over prams. Now just so we’re clear, I totally get it; I’m one women you’ll never see running behind a jog-stroller, tossing aside my very high heels for mommy-friendly flats, or forgoing a case of good wine for Gymboree registration. I do not vacation places where I might be exposed to or otherwise experience a child, when "child" is defined as anyone not old enough to buy me a martini.
So sadly, girls, if we’re not planning to leave behind what will eventually degenerate into a third-world country, I think some of ya’ll are going to have to take one for the team.
Show of hands?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Maybe in the back?
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