I can't believe September almost got away without a single post. Please forgive me... On the upside, I've been spending more time watching and less time on random rants - which gave birth to the following!
Generally speaking, I do not speak to fashion. Not because it doesn’t interest me, it definitely does! I notice all things fashion. I’m a lover of the classic styles (think Chanel and hats and gloves), but I’m also well in touch with my inner hippie. Basically, I believe the topic spouting is best left to the trained professionals.
Now, that said, I feel there are some grossly overlooked issues surrounding footwear that should be addressed in that straight forward, no bullshit way some people might say is hurtful, while others know is just the truth as it’s meant to be told.
Ladies, and okay – gentlemen, if you cannot walk in a pair of high heels without appearing as though there are eggshells under the soles, wear flats. Seems like every time I turn around, I see some woman "walking" along in a pair of platforms like she’s terrified she’s going to fall off with the next step. So not sexy.
Today I spied yet another of the “no knees” walker variety who stiff –legs every step like a toy soldier. Might I suggest jackboots?
Oh look! There’s the “cop a squat.” This gal has apparently never watched a beauty pageant of any kind – not even drag – otherwise she would know that no matter how expensive your footwear, clomping along with your ankles 12 inches apart makes you look like a linebacker needing to poop.
And how can we overlook the “stick up her ass” sashay. Her stride is so miniscule you can’t help but wonder if she really does have an aspirin between her knees. Relax already! No one is going to steal your shoes if they leave the ground for more than a nanosecond. You look like a wind-up toy straight out of the McDonald's Happy Meal.
We have the “leaner” who pitches dangerously forward like her puppeteer is distracted, and the “Big Girl” who crams her size 8 feet into a size 7 for… well, I don’t know why anyone would do that, bit those appendages now look like stuffed sausages.
So here are the rules:
If they aren’t 100% comfortable in the store, they will not “break in.”
If you generally live in flip-flops, you should know that you don’t actually have a fashion sense and should not be left to your own devices in the shoe department. Oh I know you think you know… I also know that you don’t. Find yourself a friend, and good luck.
If you’ve left high school, yet just bought a “cocktail” dress in the “prom” section of a department store, don’t try to match your shoes to the dress. Return the dress. You know why.
If you can’t run, yes run, at least one-quarter mile in the shoes, you need to believe me when I tell you that you cannot walk across a room in them either. I don’t care how amazing you think you look, in truth it’s more “mommy’s closet” than “hot mama.”
Whether you’re stomping it out like a runway model, or elegantly cutting a swath, you have got to look and feel comfortable in those shoes! Otherwise, the impression you leave it that of a foolish little girl trying to be someone she isn’t. For the record, I don’t wear shoes with less than a three inch heel. To me, that IS a flat. And yes, I can run at least a quarter-mile in all 73 pair.
Glide ladies! Glide!
