You, You, You, and Who?

All this talk of gun regulation, legalizing marijuana, drug testing for welfare, and whatever other issue whereby someone is wearing a placard about their rights – civil or otherwise – is exhausting. Frankly, I think we should be concerning ourselves with a bigger problem: Reality television.

This ridiculous phenomenon has given one entire generation a hugely inflated sense of self-entitlement, while making another so narcissistic that they’re incapable of the tiniest act of kindness without publicly announcing it in an effort to gain congratulations and, I assume, a glimpse of their 15 minutes of fame.

Which leads me to...

Speaking of vain, can someone please tell me what this whole "birthday MONTH" is about? As I understand it, there are grown adults who've decided that instead of one day of cake and candles, they're deserving of a month's worth. I was super puzzled by this, until one of the voices in my head posed this question:

"I wonder if this was the actual precursor to people using their birthday as a way to garner both self-indulgent admiration and gifts?"

Two true stories:
I know this girl who publicly announced that for her birthday she’s going to roam around town performing random acts of kindness, then document them all on FaceBook.

*blink*
*blink*

Because... she wants us to know how awesome she is?

Then there's the self-pronounced “I have so much money that you can't buy me anything, so you should totally admire my grand idea” birthday girl who asked for cash gifts so that she can give it to a person of her choosing "who has sooooooooo much less me.” Here's a thought. How about you use some of that money to learn how to hear yourself the way everyone else does, then quietly go about the business of helping others?

In a weirdly serendipitous coincidence, the past two weeks or so I’ve had probably a half-dozen people say to me, “I didn’t know that about you.” Yeah... that's because unless you ask, I'm not going to talk about myself, or pat myself on the back. I grew up believing that's incredibly poor form, and like talking about money – it just isn’t done.

Having said that, listen up, People!

I’m not poor - monetarily speaking, anyway. I make a significantly-well-above-average salary, and though most of it goes out as quickly as it comes in to support my stupid and apparently neverending house renovation, I still manage to regularly scrape together a little something to send to organizations who give a voice to those without one.

You want to "be someone?" Adopt an animal. You can't help but to become the person your pet believes you are.


(pictured: Fredo Guiseppe)






The following is a short list of animal-related orgs whose administrative overhead is low and whose need for donations (cash or otherwise) is always high:

Your local SPCA (Google it!)
Your local no-kill shelters
www.theanimalrescuesite.com/
www.hendrickboards.com
http://www.chenoamanor.org/

Feel free to leave your favorite in the Comments below.

I'll Take That One!

Do you ever look at your life and think, “hey, HEY! Who’s the wise guy? I did not sign-up for this!”?

Yeah. Me too.

I’m not trying to blame anyone here, but some of it did happen to me, not because of me… apparently while I was ordering another martini. That aside, even though I see my hand in a lot of it, I know I was never so over-indulgent in the vodka that I said, “gee, that’s totally fucked-up and nothing at all like what I want. So yeah, I'll take that one!”

Ya'll know I'm a huge believer in The Universe putting you exactly where you're supposed to be - sometimes for you, sometimes for someone else. But my gawd, I cannot possibly imagine what else I have to learn or teach in this hellhole of apparently permanent stasis.

Still though... as much as I want something to shake loose, change is hard. It's hard to start, it's hard to own, it's just generally hard. So I get why people - myself included - can talk about it but don't necessarily jump at the chance to make it happen. I think it's a shortcoming of over-thinking.

I once moved 1,800 miles in less than a day after having woken up one morning and deciding to do it. No job. Nowhere to live. Just some luggage and a destination. I'll admit it was a hair impulsive - and  perhaps not my brightest stroke of genius. But at least I didn't over think it.

[sidebar: I do not recommend this course of action to those for whom impulsiveness is still in the experimentation stages. This is Advanced Impulsiveness and should not be attempted without completing the following pre-requisites: Ruin Your Life in a Single Bottle, Disgrace by Drugs (an unpaid internship), Intermediate Impulsiveness, and Advanced Cleaning Up Your Own Mess.]

That was then...

Now, I think.
And I make a list.
After that come the impossibly reasonable and seemingly endless notes about why I can't just shift gears pre-mid-life-ish. I wish there was a market where I could choose a new direction the same way I choose my fruits (both tree-grown and human). Check my list. Browse the seasonals. Give this one a squeeze and that one a sniff. Root around in the bins a bit for that overlooked gem, or maybe just point and say, "I'll take that one!"

SHAZAM!

Life Truths - 2013

Apologies for the delay. Clearly scheduling the blog to auto-post no longer works.

Here we are.
The beginning of another year - triggering my annual Life Truths: an updated list of harsh realities that we should all remember as we strive toward, well, whatever you're striving toward. This year though, I thought I'd first present three things for additional consideration... you know, for when you're standing outside alone, pondering the Universe over a bottle of wine.

• How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
• What inspires you?
• What stops your inspiration dead in its tracks? Or is it a who?

I expect I'll have something to say about all of these over the course of the next year, but until then...

The List

1. You are where you are because that, my friend, is where you put yourself. Do not blame your Higher Power, The Universe, or the people around you for your ill-conceived decisions.
2. Yes. You're fat. Does that make you feel better? Get off your ass and do something about it.
3. The Universe is trying to move you in the direction of your life path. Quit acting like you know everything. You don't. So how about you just go ahead and get out of your own way?
4. Life is a "Bring Your Own Water Wings" affair so stop annoying the rest of us with your bitching about how you've been done oh-so-wrong, and paddle already.
5. Just because you want it does not mean it's yours to have.
6. The things you do not say, speak as loudly as those you do.
7. At the end of the day, you and you alone must live with your own inaction.
8. You always have a choice. Take the route that will make your grandmother proud.
9. Your true friends will say the things you don't want to hear because they love you... and because they have faith that you already know the truth, not because they're threatened by you.
10. Beware false allies and those who try too hard. Therein you will one day discover ulterior motive.
11. When saying no - to anyone for any reason - it absolutely is not necessary to offer an explanation.
12. From Image Consultant and friend, Beth Newman: "Do not participate in 'big, bad, bold behavior.'" It's unseemly and frankly, déclassé. http://www.newmanimage.info/
13. Do not shampoo your hair every day - no matter what.
14. Stop fighting The Universe and you'll stop making stupid mistakes.
15. One minute of your time - especially when you don't "have" it - is worth hours to someone who needs it.
16. Pay attention. This will solve almost all of your "problems."
17. Take heed: a drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
18. People are going to talk. Your choice is in what you give them to talk about!
19. We all humiliate ourselves. Get over it. These are the stories that make you less dull.
20. If you think any part of this (or my blog in general) is directed at you, it probably is... I just don't know it. Examine why you do.
21. Do not lie. To me or yourself.
22. Your behavior in all situations is 100% on you. Own it or change it. These are the only options.
23. Ladies: If a man wants to be with you, he will always find a way to make that happen. I suppose the same can be said conversely.
24. Choosing not to engage means forfeiting your right to defend yourself against what others say. Know that, ultimately, this is still the best course of action - especially when you factor in karma, comeuppance, and the opportunity to secretly point and laugh later!
25. Never put anything in writing that cannot be aired publicly.
26. People will take advantage of you until you make them stop. The tricky bit is in the approach, and I can't help you with that.

So that's it. An updated version of my annual reminder - in no particular order. Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere else to be.