The Annual Life Truths Post - 2014!

Here we are.
The beginning of another year - triggering my annual Life Truths: an updated list of harsh realities that we should all remember as we strive toward, well, whatever you're striving toward. This year though, I thought I'd first present three things for additional consideration... you know, for when you're standing outside alone, pondering the Universe with a bottle of wine.

• How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? (33 yrs)
• What inspires you?
• What stops your inspiration dead in its tracks? Or is it a who?

I expect I'll have something to say about all of these over the course of the next year, but until then...

Here's The List

1. You are where you are because that, my friend, is where you put yourself. Do not blame your Higher Power, The Universe, or the people around you for your ill-conceived decisions.
2. It's okay to remove people or situations from your life because keeping them - however much easier that would be - is ultimately harder. If you're wrong, The Universe will one day put them back, either to correct the "mistake" or reteach you the lesson - the hard way. Recognize the difference.
3. Yes. You're fat. Does that make you feel better? Get off your ass and do something about it.
4. The Universe is trying to move you in the direction of your best opportunity. Quit acting like you know everything. You don't. So how about you just go ahead and get out of your own way? 
5. BE HUMBLE. That doesn't mean turning off your star-power. It means not tooting your own horn. Eventually rings flat with everyone. And it's incredibly poor form.
6. Life is a "Bring Your Own Water Wings" affair so stop annoying the rest of us with how you've been done oh-so-wrong, and paddle already.
7. Just because you want it does not mean it's yours to have.
8. In many cases, the things you do not say, speak as loudly as those you do. Think twice; speak once.
9. At the end of the day, you and you alone must live with your own inaction.
10. You always have a choice. Take the route that will make your grandmother proud.
11. Your true friends will say the things you don't want to hear because they love you... and because they have faith that you already know the truth, not because they're threatened by you.
12. Beware false allies and those who try too hard. Therein you will one day discover ulterior motive.
13. When saying no - to anyone for any reason - it absolutely is not necessary to offer an explanation.
14. Do not shampoo your hair every day - no matter what.
15. Do not lie. To me or to yourself.
16. Stop fighting The Universe and you'll stop making stupid mistakes.
17. One minute of your time - especially when you don't "have" it - is worth hours to someone who needs it.
18. Pay attention! This will solve almost all of your "problems."
19. Take heed: a drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
20. People are going to talk. Your choice is in what you give them to talk about!
21. We all humiliate ourselves. Get over it. These are the stories that make you less dull.
22. Your behavior in all situations is 100% on you. Own it or change it. These are the only options.
23. Choosing not to engage means forfeiting your right to defend yourself against what others say. Know that, ultimately, this is still the best course of action - especially when you factor in karma, comeuppance, and the opportunity to secretly point and laugh later!
24. Never put anything in writing that cannot be aired publicly.
25. People will take advantage of you until you make them stop. The tricky bit is in the approach, and I can't help you with that.

So that's it. An updated version of my annual reminder - in no particular order. Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere else to be.

Time-Out

I've been on a self-imposed technology time-out, and I must say, my suspicions about being too connected are very real. I'll keep this short because I *know* everyone is readily awaiting my annual Life Truths update for the 2014 kick-off.

1. I actually love being "inaccessible." I didn't feel the least bit harangued into reading my email, checking for text messages, or skimming FaceBook.
2. No one seems to have my old landline number except my gynecologist.
3. Upon my return to technology today, I discovered that - as suspected - nothing noteworthy happened in my absence. The world remained its usual uneventful self. I imagine something happened to someone somewhere and they probably posted a vague remark about it online in hopes people would express what is almost always insincere concern in a way that projects "love" just to be the first to obtain a slice of juicy gossip. Someone else got snarky about who knows or cares what and did the same, I'm sure. But if that happened, I missed it. Which is nice.

So let's all take a few moments to reflect on our sense of self-importance. As I say so often, if you're not a brain surgeon or emergency veterinarian,  put your phone down and take a look around. Your life is happening without you.

Exit. Stage Left

FADE IN:

INT – Conference room – morning. The busy cubicle farm seen in the background is full of holiday décor. I race in.

                                    ME

UGH! Hey y’all. Sorry I’m late.

(drops files, cell phone, and laptop onto conference room table and pulls out chair)

ALL

Hey!

What’s up.

Hi.

ME

Okay. Where are we?

SAM

We were waiting for you; talking about Christmas plans is all.

LIZA

I fuckin’ hate this time of year. Fuckin’ family breathing down my neck. Everybody wants something from me. Nobody is ever happy.

ME

I hear ya, sister! Preach it!

SAM

What’re you doing? You going home for the holidays?

AMBER

Where IS home? Your accent is weird. Sorry.

(Looks apologetic)

ME

(Opens mouth. Closes mouth. Makes several confusing facial expressions.)

Um. Weird. Okay. Yeah. I don’t guess I actually have a home. I mean in the classical Norman Rockwell, Charlie Brown and Snoopy sense of the word.

(Silence)

Home… is where my dogs are..?

FADE OUT:

THE END

Yeah. So THAT just happened…

On Accepting Invitations

Ah, the holidays. Filled with food, drink, annoying music, and invitations for all manner of gatherings. The thing about an invitation – and this is important – is that every single one requires a response. The good news is that you still have options.

Take the verbal. This one usually comes in person as a casual mention. You can accept, decline, or smile and say, “That sounds lovely. Thank you.”  You’re then open to make a decision based on what sort of hair day you’re having on the soiree date.

The eVite requires a bit more decisiveness. Yes. Maybe. No. If you’re on the fence, I would suggest clicking Maybe. This leaves your options open in case something else comes up while not appearing ungrateful for making The List.

Finally, there’s the old school paper invitation. You remember, the kind that shows up in your mailbox located close to the street. This one requires a firm decision before the RSVP date. A decision that no matter what, you cannot change.

[Sidebar: Every invitation requires some sort of response to which you are committed – no matter what. Now, stay with me. This is not a lesson in etiquette. That post can be found at Tis the Season… To Mind Yourself, December 2012.]

 was one of these that landed in my BFF’s hands, leaving her mouth agape at the inappropriateness of its receipt. At that moment, there was only one course of action. She shoved it into the bottom of pocketbook, raced the three miles to my house, grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge, then shoved the invitation under my nose. She poured. I read.

I’ll admit, it took a moment for my brain to register the unsuitable nature of the request on ivory stock I was holding. A holiday cocktail party at the home of Mr. Wildly Misbegotten Decision made years ago.

“Clearly I’m your plus one,” I told her. I was going to throw myself under the bus on her behalf. After all, you never let your BFF walk into a lion’s den alone – or unsupervised. There could be repercussions. Or  a need to get the shovels from the shed and the map from beneath the mattress.

On the appointed evening, we arrived about 45 minutes late in an effort to blend in with the crowd. We handed off our coats, and as BFF went to present our host’s wife with the bottle of wine she’d chosen, I accepted a passing glass of wine and surveyed the territory.

Crossing the threshold, my BFF asked, “Why does it feel like everyone will be staring at me like my boobs are out?”

I meandered into the living room, raising my glass to inconspicuously peer through the bottom to survey the crowd… then choked. Loudly. I set the crystal on the fireplace mantel a bit harder than intended as I stepped between BFF and the other guests. “Don’t panic. Don’t look around. Hey! Eyes on me! The summer after your divorce – the one during which you had that unfortunate tryst with our host – well, get your coat. The trampage has come home to roost, and I’m counting four cockadoodle-doos!”

Trampage – v. Refers to that period post-long term relationship when a gal grabs her life by the balls again then sets out to exercises everyone else’s.

“No!” she whispered, eyes wide.

“Yes,” I hissed.

“Four???”

“Affirmative. And it’s still early. So I repeat, get your co…”

“Hey you two! Wow! It’s been a long time. BFF*, didn’t think I’d see YOU here.”

Oh, balls. The horror was officially unleashed.

BFF turned slowly, and though she smiled in that pleasant manner our grandmothers taught us, there was no color left on her face that hadn’t been artfully applied the hour before.

It took two more glasses of wine matching the number of horrifically uncomfortable conversations  to be had before we made what can only be described as our less than elegant departure – given that it consisted of grabbing our coats and literally racing down the sidewalk at the top speed afforded by 4” heels.

Destination: first bar. First round: “Patron! Stat! And hold the fruit unless he has a shoe connection!”

This cautionary tale has been brought to you by women who really should know better than to accept an inappropriate invitation… of any kind.