I had no idea that 15 days passed since my last musings. As always, my first reaction is to blame some external force for keeping me from employing my Gawd-given talent for amusing the masses. Truth is, Dear Readers, there's been nothing to say. I am not amused by anything.
*sings* Ja, ja, ja jaded
There's something about the perilous alignment of planets in conjunction with the solar eclipse that has sent The Universe - well, okay, MY Universe - into a tailspin... Now, I like to get dizzy as much as the next person, but I prefer it be from the vodka. That I can control... So in an attempt to regain some semblance of humor, interest, and an "Attitude of Gratitude," I'm going to make every effort today to locate a topic that will both rivet and amuse you. How hard could that be? After all, I AM going to the Wal-Mart...
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Advice from Jimmy Sprinkles
1. Always sit with yer back to the wall. This is non-negotiable. Shit goes down, you should see it comin’.
2. Yer “family” is bigger than blood. Ya don’t screw your “family.”
3. Burn anything with blood on it. Ya just never know…
4. Buy a round at the bar.
5. Watch yer mouth in front of the ladies. Yer gonna wanna give one of ‘em the old ba-bing one day.
6. Don’t start no shit, there won’t be no shit.
7. Guys: ya want a one-night stand, buy it. That’s somebody’s daughter yer messin’ with.
8. Watch yer associations. Today’s odds-on favorite is tomorrow’s 20 to 1.
9. Learn to keep people’s secrets. Think of it as a long-term investment in body and soul.
10. Good wine ain’t always expensive. (That’s one of them euphemisms. Yous can figure it out.)
11. Just because ya don’t think yer caught don’t mean ya ain’t.
12. Keep yer money in yer mattress and yer consigliere in yer wallet.
13. The tip you leave today might buy ya somethin’ tomorrow.
14. Never trust the over-anxious. They got their reasons.
15. Eat dinner with friends. It’s good to break bread.
2. Yer “family” is bigger than blood. Ya don’t screw your “family.”
3. Burn anything with blood on it. Ya just never know…
4. Buy a round at the bar.
5. Watch yer mouth in front of the ladies. Yer gonna wanna give one of ‘em the old ba-bing one day.
6. Don’t start no shit, there won’t be no shit.
7. Guys: ya want a one-night stand, buy it. That’s somebody’s daughter yer messin’ with.
8. Watch yer associations. Today’s odds-on favorite is tomorrow’s 20 to 1.
9. Learn to keep people’s secrets. Think of it as a long-term investment in body and soul.
10. Good wine ain’t always expensive. (That’s one of them euphemisms. Yous can figure it out.)
11. Just because ya don’t think yer caught don’t mean ya ain’t.
12. Keep yer money in yer mattress and yer consigliere in yer wallet.
13. The tip you leave today might buy ya somethin’ tomorrow.
14. Never trust the over-anxious. They got their reasons.
15. Eat dinner with friends. It’s good to break bread.
Loyalty
Loyalty (n): unswerving in allegiance: faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due; faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, or institution
Disloyalty (n): opposite of above. Seems so very sad that a definition for these words is necessary.
I’ve been feeling nostalgic recently. Nostalgic for a time when principles mattered; when others were valued; when we held ourselves and our friends to a higher moral standard. When did we quit honoring our convictions? When did we become so accepting of things such as betrayal, disloyalty, and inappropriate public behavior? When did we decide as a society that airing the personal business of others is perfectly acceptable? When did preying on the sadness of another for personal gain ceased to be horrific, and become a sign of success or popularity? When did we start turning a blind eye to manipulation? What happened to “quality over quantity”?
I thought I had more on this topic, but I don’t except to say that we cannot control our environs – only ourselves within them.
Coming next: Advice from Jimmy Sprinkles!
Coming soon: Guest blog from another Southern girl
Disloyalty (n): opposite of above. Seems so very sad that a definition for these words is necessary.
I’ve been feeling nostalgic recently. Nostalgic for a time when principles mattered; when others were valued; when we held ourselves and our friends to a higher moral standard. When did we quit honoring our convictions? When did we become so accepting of things such as betrayal, disloyalty, and inappropriate public behavior? When did we decide as a society that airing the personal business of others is perfectly acceptable? When did preying on the sadness of another for personal gain ceased to be horrific, and become a sign of success or popularity? When did we start turning a blind eye to manipulation? What happened to “quality over quantity”?
I thought I had more on this topic, but I don’t except to say that we cannot control our environs – only ourselves within them.
Coming next: Advice from Jimmy Sprinkles!
Coming soon: Guest blog from another Southern girl
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Random Whatnots - Part II
Here are more random thoughts that at one time or another I considered working into an actual entry. I think it speaks to my basic inability to entertain myself for very long.
On telephone interviews:
Can you tell me why, specifically, people who do not speak English well enough to conjugate the most basic verbs, are set about the task of following up on resume submissions? I just finished a phone call during which I may, or more probably may not, have answered questions which may or may not have been asked.
Odd Discoveries
11:27am: Just discovered that I’ve been wearing my shorts inside-out all day. That explains a few things…
On People Who Text without Vowels
I know a girl who does this. Apparently she doesn't realize it only serves to confirm that she IS, in fact, an idiot. Also ensures that her texts are easily discernable even from someone else’s phone. Did I say idiot already? Oh. Yes. Right. Well, some things bear repeating.
On My Instability
In an effort to maintain my very limited sanity, I move quickly. I suspect that if I were to slow down, everything would crumble like a stale Hostess snack cake. I’m generally just barely holding myself and my life together. If it weren't for coffee as a distraction, two or more of my personalities might have surfaced and really fucked things up today!
On Summer Footwear
I'm not hatin' on the flip-flops except to ask WHEN EXACTLY it became acceptable to wear them with, say, a cocktail dress? Or to an evening event? Or to a bridal shower??? They're shoes for the shower, not “shower shoes”, no matter HOW pretty they are. Backyard BBQ: yes. Checking the postbox: yes. Quick trip to the convenience store: I get it. Otherwise, why not try a pretty thong sandal?
On Facebook “Favs”
Favorite: (adj) one that is treated or regarded with particular liking or more highly regarded than others.
Fav: (adj) abbreviated version of the word favorite.
I said it one time and heard all about myself via Facebook, email, and in person. In retrospect, rightfully so. Had I thought about it sooner, I would have agreed and never typed it. Interesting turn throughout though; for once, I am not alone in an opinion! Here’s the little troublemaker: Using your FB “status” line to announce to your five bazillion “friends” that you’re hanging out or doing whatever with your “favs.” It insinuates that since absentee friends aren’t participating, they’re nothing more than merely stock for your stable in an attempt to increase your general popularity using Facebook numbers. Adding insult to injury, it really is in truly poor form. I adore my friends and to each I hang my head in shame. Please forgive me my gross departure from good manners.
On telephone interviews:
Can you tell me why, specifically, people who do not speak English well enough to conjugate the most basic verbs, are set about the task of following up on resume submissions? I just finished a phone call during which I may, or more probably may not, have answered questions which may or may not have been asked.
Odd Discoveries
11:27am: Just discovered that I’ve been wearing my shorts inside-out all day. That explains a few things…
On People Who Text without Vowels
I know a girl who does this. Apparently she doesn't realize it only serves to confirm that she IS, in fact, an idiot. Also ensures that her texts are easily discernable even from someone else’s phone. Did I say idiot already? Oh. Yes. Right. Well, some things bear repeating.
On My Instability
In an effort to maintain my very limited sanity, I move quickly. I suspect that if I were to slow down, everything would crumble like a stale Hostess snack cake. I’m generally just barely holding myself and my life together. If it weren't for coffee as a distraction, two or more of my personalities might have surfaced and really fucked things up today!
On Summer Footwear
I'm not hatin' on the flip-flops except to ask WHEN EXACTLY it became acceptable to wear them with, say, a cocktail dress? Or to an evening event? Or to a bridal shower??? They're shoes for the shower, not “shower shoes”, no matter HOW pretty they are. Backyard BBQ: yes. Checking the postbox: yes. Quick trip to the convenience store: I get it. Otherwise, why not try a pretty thong sandal?
On Facebook “Favs”
Favorite: (adj) one that is treated or regarded with particular liking or more highly regarded than others.
Fav: (adj) abbreviated version of the word favorite.
I said it one time and heard all about myself via Facebook, email, and in person. In retrospect, rightfully so. Had I thought about it sooner, I would have agreed and never typed it. Interesting turn throughout though; for once, I am not alone in an opinion! Here’s the little troublemaker: Using your FB “status” line to announce to your five bazillion “friends” that you’re hanging out or doing whatever with your “favs.” It insinuates that since absentee friends aren’t participating, they’re nothing more than merely stock for your stable in an attempt to increase your general popularity using Facebook numbers. Adding insult to injury, it really is in truly poor form. I adore my friends and to each I hang my head in shame. Please forgive me my gross departure from good manners.
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