I discovered today that during a blogspot conversion last year, a grave number of my entries got all jacked up. The up side is that there's a lot of stuff I don't even remember writing - so that was fun. One of them whose title and contents I vagely recollected reminded me that Spring has sprung. Check it: Fore-Play: A Guide for Men
New entries coming soon! I think... assuming material presents....
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Bad Habit #44
Yeah… I have a few. I’ve given up some; embraced others as vices for life. Here’s my deep, dark, confession…
So after issuing a few much needed warnings, next stop...
That list would serve no purpose but to hurt feelings. It’s not that I would want to give back so many of the amazing experiences, great loves, astonishing people…totally wouldn't. But come on. Everyone sometimes secretly wishes for a totally different ending to particular chapter.
Since I can't ever do anything just a little bit, I usually wind up at "My Totally New Imaginary Life" and even I'm bored by then, so sleep can't be far away...
*clicks back to CNN*
Hello. My name is Peace, and I’m a “what-iffer.”
Ooooh, the tragedy! *flings arm dramatically over face*
It's true, this sad tale. I voluntarily torment myself playing the "what if?" game. It’s not because I’m living a life of regret. I mean, I have regrets. Anyone who says they don’t is a big stinkin’ liar.
No, it's because there’s a lot going on in my head all the freakin' time. Sometimes I do this just to get all the voices focusing on one thing. Mostly though, it’s because I’m a lousy sleeper. Because there's only so much CNN one girl can watch, I’ll lay in the bed playing out different scenarios for when the Genie leaves the bottle and I’m asked, “to what age would you like to return in order to relive your life?”
Holy cow!!!
The veritable Mount Vesuvius of options! 16? 24? 29? 34? Each year had a major milestone during which I either made just the most impossibly wrong choice, or completely fucked up the right one… Sometimes I just wanna go back so I can say something altogether different than what I said, and that would change something else that I wish never happened. Occasionally I only bump back a week or a year. Just far enough to correct something, which generally means say something I didn’t say when I had the opportunity to say it.
If I’m wildly pissed at the world, I go to 16 when I had two choices: this, or that.
I chose this and I gotta say, every single day of my life I wish I would’ve chosen that because absolutely nothing would have been what it was.
Whatever.
Bygones.
The veritable Mount Vesuvius of options! 16? 24? 29? 34? Each year had a major milestone during which I either made just the most impossibly wrong choice, or completely fucked up the right one… Sometimes I just wanna go back so I can say something altogether different than what I said, and that would change something else that I wish never happened. Occasionally I only bump back a week or a year. Just far enough to correct something, which generally means say something I didn’t say when I had the opportunity to say it.
If I’m wildly pissed at the world, I go to 16 when I had two choices: this, or that.
I chose this and I gotta say, every single day of my life I wish I would’ve chosen that because absolutely nothing would have been what it was.
Whatever.
Bygones.
Okay, so back to this stupid mind-fuck of a game I play. After deciding on an age, next I factor in whether or not Genie Funkypants is letting me return to the past knowing everything I know now.
It's been said that you’ll fuck up the time/space continuum if you change the past during time travel. Still, no one can say that they wouldn’t change something… so I argue the benefit of letting me go forth with full knowledge of all events. Since this is my impossibly ridiculous game, and there are no consequences, I like to start off by doing something selfless: “Dude! I know you think she’s gorgeous, but keep your zipper in the upright and locked position!”
[Sidebar: I have to assume that there’s actually someone out there practicing actual time travel since we’ve been programmed to believe that business about upsetting the continuum. But who *knows* this for certain? How do we know it all won’t work out just fine anyway?]
[Sidebar: I have to assume that there’s actually someone out there practicing actual time travel since we’ve been programmed to believe that business about upsetting the continuum. But who *knows* this for certain? How do we know it all won’t work out just fine anyway?]
So after issuing a few much needed warnings, next stop...
Top 10 Things I Would TOTALLY Do If I Knew Then What I Know Now
1. Buy Apple stock
2. Buy Apple stock
3. Buy Apple stock
4. Buy Apple stock
5. Buy Apple stock
6. Buy Apple stock
7. Buy Apple stock
8. Buy Apple stock
9. Buy Apple stock
10. Buy Apple stock and not cop out on this list
Top 10 Things I Would NEVER Do If I Knew Then What I Know Now
2. Buy Apple stock
3. Buy Apple stock
4. Buy Apple stock
5. Buy Apple stock
6. Buy Apple stock
7. Buy Apple stock
8. Buy Apple stock
9. Buy Apple stock
10. Buy Apple stock and not cop out on this list
Top 10 Things I Would NEVER Do If I Knew Then What I Know Now
1. Lose my virginity to the guy I did
2. Yeah...
3. Ummm...
4. Other things...
5. *wanders off whistling*
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
That list would serve no purpose but to hurt feelings. It’s not that I would want to give back so many of the amazing experiences, great loves, astonishing people…totally wouldn't. But come on. Everyone sometimes secretly wishes for a totally different ending to particular chapter.
Since I can't ever do anything just a little bit, I usually wind up at "My Totally New Imaginary Life" and even I'm bored by then, so sleep can't be far away...
*clicks back to CNN*
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
4 Easy Steps
It’s occurred to me that I can actually fix just about everything that’s “wrong” in your life. Here is my four step solution:
Put down that all-consuming electronic thing you have in your hand
Look up! There are real people and actual places out here! The world didn’t shrink when you got your social networking accounts. You’re more than a “tweep.”
Acknowledge that you’re not nearly as important as you think you are
Unless you're a neurosurgeon or an emergency veterinarian, your bubble isn’t so important that you need to interrupt a conversation or abruptly stop walking in the middle of a crowd. The Universe is not waiting for your response to whatever text just vibrated, status rattled your chain, or YouTube video that just went viral.
Shut the hell up about yourself and listen
Last night I tried to explain my stance on a particular financial situation. I should know better, but I thought I had the undivided attention of the “listener.” I didn’t get through more than two complete sentences before the “conversation” was hijacked and redirected back to this guy. Over and over again, he would say something on the topic, I would begin to reply with my thoughts – then BAM! Hijacked again. Needless to say I gave up any attempt to continue a discussion, quickly and without much effort. He may have heard the words but he certainly wasn’t listening.
Get engaged with your life
True story: About a week ago, a friend of mine – let’s call him Maurice – was running late en route to a meeting. I’m trying to figure out where he is, and he’s sitting in traffic swearing and creeping along. In due time he discovers that the hold-up was a head-on collision. People were just driving by, no one stopping to render aid or call for emergency services. We know this because though he was nowhere near the crash when it happened, he was the first to stop and place that call. It sickens me. What the hell was so important in the lives of the passers-by that they couldn’t assist women and children in distress?
I’m guessing a Facebook status or rebuttal. *sarcasm*
I’m worn smooth out from listening to the whatnots of over-inflated egos. I think it’s incredibly sad how many people have become so self-centric that if it’s not all about them, they can’t tell you anything about it. These are the same people who then get shitty when you don’t remember one specific story out of literally thousands they’ve told you about themselves. Hey, buddy! You’re exhausting.
If you actually want to “fix” what’s “wrong” in your life, how about participating in it! What ever happened to the spirit of cooperation? Of pitching in or lending a hand to someone who is actually struggling? No one owes you anything, but you certainly have no business expecting anything when nothing is what you give.
Please check your ego at my door. And tip the hostess.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Revisionists
Recently someone made casual mention of an event from a long time ago that left me literally speechless. Yeah. Literally speechless. And frankly, my brow still hasn’t un-furrowed so baffled am I by what she said. I don’t claim to have a perfect memory, but her “recollection” was a perfect example of revisionism.
Yeah, I know y’all generally associate revisionists with historical whatnots, but my life has history – and plenty of it I might add, so I will. I’ve puzzled over this phenomenon as it relates to people’s own lives for days now. I’d always thought of our recollections as what we thought we heard or saw – like the adage, “her side, his side, and the truth.” It never really occurred to me that for some people it’s really so much more. Pretty sure it goes like this:
Enter random situation here.
Post-situation, mulling occurs.
The first time, you recollect the situation as it actually happened.
Uh oh. You don’t come off very attractive/smart/pleasant? Well, there’s only one thing to do...
Think about the situation again.
Ah, that’s better. You didn’t *actually* or *intentionally* use that tone/utter those words/tell that lie, so that bit doesn’t count.
Whew!
Okay, let’s step through this again.
The other person involved is *obviously* at fault, not you, because of x, y, z.
Better. Just one more re-enactment in your head.
This is the best part from my outsider’s perspective because it often includes completely new dialogue and sometimes even new actors.
[Sidebar: I was screwed by one of these about a year ago. As the story goes, I was at a local “establishment” when something cruel was said about someone who was then completely crushed... and really pissed. Yeah, inasmuch as that sounds like me, not only was I not there that night – or that week – I wasn’t even in the time zone. I’d become a replacement actor for the person who repeated the story – the actual Mean Girl. MG panicked on replay. The hilarity here is that she was so busy trying to shine a new light on her involvement when she created the “new real” story in her head, she forgot to consider who might alibi out when the shit hit the fan.]
I get that sometimes we need to put a lighter, brighter spin on real life for the sake of our audience. I’ve “revised” bits of my life because there are a few stories no one needs to hear in their entirety. But I’ve never done it to avoid owning my behavior, to make myself seem like a better person than I am, to appear the “hero,” or to screw someone else. And blatantly changing history and retelling it to people who know the truth? She’s some kind of crazy.
Revisionists stick by their story no matter what. I gotta admit, the fact that they believe their own crap and have the balls to present it as truth, freaks me out. Not like clowns at children’s parties, but still… *shudder*
Yeah, I know y’all generally associate revisionists with historical whatnots, but my life has history – and plenty of it I might add, so I will. I’ve puzzled over this phenomenon as it relates to people’s own lives for days now. I’d always thought of our recollections as what we thought we heard or saw – like the adage, “her side, his side, and the truth.” It never really occurred to me that for some people it’s really so much more. Pretty sure it goes like this:
Enter random situation here.
Post-situation, mulling occurs.
The first time, you recollect the situation as it actually happened.
Uh oh. You don’t come off very attractive/smart/pleasant? Well, there’s only one thing to do...
Think about the situation again.
Ah, that’s better. You didn’t *actually* or *intentionally* use that tone/utter those words/tell that lie, so that bit doesn’t count.
Whew!
Okay, let’s step through this again.
The other person involved is *obviously* at fault, not you, because of x, y, z.
Better. Just one more re-enactment in your head.
This is the best part from my outsider’s perspective because it often includes completely new dialogue and sometimes even new actors.
[Sidebar: I was screwed by one of these about a year ago. As the story goes, I was at a local “establishment” when something cruel was said about someone who was then completely crushed... and really pissed. Yeah, inasmuch as that sounds like me, not only was I not there that night – or that week – I wasn’t even in the time zone. I’d become a replacement actor for the person who repeated the story – the actual Mean Girl. MG panicked on replay. The hilarity here is that she was so busy trying to shine a new light on her involvement when she created the “new real” story in her head, she forgot to consider who might alibi out when the shit hit the fan.]
I get that sometimes we need to put a lighter, brighter spin on real life for the sake of our audience. I’ve “revised” bits of my life because there are a few stories no one needs to hear in their entirety. But I’ve never done it to avoid owning my behavior, to make myself seem like a better person than I am, to appear the “hero,” or to screw someone else. And blatantly changing history and retelling it to people who know the truth? She’s some kind of crazy.
Revisionists stick by their story no matter what. I gotta admit, the fact that they believe their own crap and have the balls to present it as truth, freaks me out. Not like clowns at children’s parties, but still… *shudder*
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Things People Say
Lately I’ve been unavoidably forced to deal with a lot of blown-out egos. It’s really not my thing to “manage” people; I prefer to just let you deal with your own mania. I don’t stroke most folks because it’s tiresome. And because the ego I satisfy today, may stab me in the back tomorrow.
For educational purposes, I thought perhaps I’d put some recently heard “Listen to ME!” precursors out there in an effort to help those who find themselves trapped in ego quicksand out of ignorance.
“Trust me, I…” know, did, saw, participated blah blah blah. Fill in the blank.
Huh. *squints* Because…. This time you’re telling the truth as opposed to all the other times when you were lying to me? These people have seen it all, read it all, and done it all...and better than anyone else. The variation on this is “Believe me, I…”
“You don’t understand…”
Don’t tell me what I do or do not understand. You don’t know me well enough to make that determination. If you did, you would think twice about that tone you're using.
“What you don’t know is…”
Really. I don’t know. I just offered my opinion on my favorite style of egg preparation, political platform, or this years block-styling on the Paris runway, and now you’re going to tell me that I didn’t gather enough information for a valid viewpoint? You do not know what experience went into the formulation of my opinion and I'll thank you to keep your assumptions to yourself.
In other ego news...
The Egomaniacal Boss. Cripes. We’ve all had them. We’ve all hated them. We’ve all tolerated them until such time as we were forced to transfer. No words of advice here except, smile! It’s not forever, it’s just for now.
The Egomaniacal “Friend.” This is the one who is jealous of all the other people in your life so she bad-mouths everyone, whispers about you behind your back, and spends a ridiculous amount of time manipulating situations so she will somehow look like a “hero” through it all. *heavy sigh* All I have to say about this ego is, “move along. People are only nice to you because they have to be.”
Your Friend’s Egomaniacal Child. Best bet here is just not to visit. I cannot tolerate the presence of a child who is under the misbegotten impression that their imaginary needs and subsequent temper tantrum are going to move me past my desire to smack them upside the head. Children should be seen and not heard. Preferably not even seen, but one can only insist on so much.
I’m bored with this topic now. Talk amongst yourselves…
Thursday, February 9, 2012
More on Judging
“Not judging!”
You hear this all the time. Truth is, people do judge – and those who say they don’t, are often the harshest… behind your back, of course!
I am not afraid to say, out loud, that I judge people. I will always judge you on a poor footwear selection. I’ll judge your new hair color, the fact that you’ll leave the house with your belly fat hanging over the top of your entirely too tight jeans, and your obnoxious children. I will always judge all things about any two-faced person because frankly, it’s just good citizenship to point out a snake in the grass.
I will not judge the actions or behavior related to an honest mistake or ill-informed decision, your vehicle (unless it’s slowing me down), or the contents of your shopping basket.
I approached this topic with great self-revelation and moderate hilarity once before. It's worth a re-read. http://itssmokeandmirrors.blogspot.com/2010/01/judge-not-lest-ye-oh-never-mind.html
Just sayin’.
You hear this all the time. Truth is, people do judge – and those who say they don’t, are often the harshest… behind your back, of course!
I am not afraid to say, out loud, that I judge people. I will always judge you on a poor footwear selection. I’ll judge your new hair color, the fact that you’ll leave the house with your belly fat hanging over the top of your entirely too tight jeans, and your obnoxious children. I will always judge all things about any two-faced person because frankly, it’s just good citizenship to point out a snake in the grass.
I will not judge the actions or behavior related to an honest mistake or ill-informed decision, your vehicle (unless it’s slowing me down), or the contents of your shopping basket.
I approached this topic with great self-revelation and moderate hilarity once before. It's worth a re-read. http://itssmokeandmirrors.blogspot.com/2010/01/judge-not-lest-ye-oh-never-mind.html
Just sayin’.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
"She Said What?"
We all know it’s a rare occasion that I step outside my own personal business to write about the actual carrying on of people I actually know. But sometimes, it’s to the benefit of all of cyber-civilization to remind you that your behavior counts. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day someone will pull up all of the old email you sent and forward it. Let that be a warning the next time gossip or ugly words are about to cross the lips. Now, on with our story…
I would guess three or four years ago, I could’ve been considered a FaceBook junkie. Even two years ago, when I was working from my office at home every day, it was always up on one of my computers. But over the last year and a half, I’ve found other things to do with my time and FaceBook just sort of fell away.
Sure, I’ll check for private messages, ignore new friend requests, and run through the first few items of my newsfeed, but rarely do I see anything of interest enough to comment on before I’m bored and move on to the 300+ pieces of email waiting in my Inbox. So imagine my surprise…
[Clarification: what follows wasn’t so much surprising as it was… well… baffling]
… to read a comment by a 34-year old woman who wrote, “Cheers to being grown-ups!”
My unexpressed thought? “As opposed to….? “
I happen to know this particular girl and I know that the sole purpose behind the post was to let “everyone” know that the person she so horribly ridiculed for so many years, is now her “friend,” alongside a host of others she’s summarily defamed and gossiped about.
Weird… because none of that seems very grown-up at all.
Behaving in a manner befitting one’s mid-30s is not cause for a celebration – it’s an expectation. Much like one expects a 16-year old girl to pine over a boy who doesn’t want to date her.
At a certain age – I’ll say, theortically 28 – you should have reached a mature, adult station whereby you can forego high school-like carrying-on; stand by your opinions and decisions; and have achieved, at a minimum, a level of self-confidence and awareness not to lie, gossip, or weasel your way into situations in hopes of being “in-the-know.” It’s embarrassing… for the rest of us.
Just so we’re clear, I am definitely not saying that you’ll never hear me say anything snarky about another person, or that gossip is/was/has been officially banished from my life! That’s just crazy talk! Hell, some of my best material is built on both of those. The difference is that I stand in front of, and behind, my words. If you’re not going to own it, then you’ve got no business saying it. It’s a “treacherous” road when others know the truth and kinda feel like it might make for a hilarious party anecdote.
In conclusion (*clears throat*):
• Acting your age instead of your shoe-size is not just cause to pop a bottle
• Look to Dr. Spock’s “Baby and Child Care” for education surrounding age-appropriate milestones then put them into practice
• Don’t be a two-faced jackal (Oh! I think I’ll add that one for next year’s updated version of Life Truths!)
Holding to these simple guidelines will ensure the number of times people snicker behind your back is minimized; the chance of someone publicizing the truth about your unstable, low self-esteem driven crazy antics is kept mostly under wraps; and you’re continued presence is tolerated – given your circumstances… whatever they may be.
Now run along and play. The grown-ups are talking.
I would guess three or four years ago, I could’ve been considered a FaceBook junkie. Even two years ago, when I was working from my office at home every day, it was always up on one of my computers. But over the last year and a half, I’ve found other things to do with my time and FaceBook just sort of fell away.
Sure, I’ll check for private messages, ignore new friend requests, and run through the first few items of my newsfeed, but rarely do I see anything of interest enough to comment on before I’m bored and move on to the 300+ pieces of email waiting in my Inbox. So imagine my surprise…
[Clarification: what follows wasn’t so much surprising as it was… well… baffling]
… to read a comment by a 34-year old woman who wrote, “Cheers to being grown-ups!”
My unexpressed thought? “As opposed to….? “
I happen to know this particular girl and I know that the sole purpose behind the post was to let “everyone” know that the person she so horribly ridiculed for so many years, is now her “friend,” alongside a host of others she’s summarily defamed and gossiped about.
Weird… because none of that seems very grown-up at all.
Behaving in a manner befitting one’s mid-30s is not cause for a celebration – it’s an expectation. Much like one expects a 16-year old girl to pine over a boy who doesn’t want to date her.
At a certain age – I’ll say, theortically 28 – you should have reached a mature, adult station whereby you can forego high school-like carrying-on; stand by your opinions and decisions; and have achieved, at a minimum, a level of self-confidence and awareness not to lie, gossip, or weasel your way into situations in hopes of being “in-the-know.” It’s embarrassing… for the rest of us.
Just so we’re clear, I am definitely not saying that you’ll never hear me say anything snarky about another person, or that gossip is/was/has been officially banished from my life! That’s just crazy talk! Hell, some of my best material is built on both of those. The difference is that I stand in front of, and behind, my words. If you’re not going to own it, then you’ve got no business saying it. It’s a “treacherous” road when others know the truth and kinda feel like it might make for a hilarious party anecdote.
In conclusion (*clears throat*):
• Acting your age instead of your shoe-size is not just cause to pop a bottle
• Look to Dr. Spock’s “Baby and Child Care” for education surrounding age-appropriate milestones then put them into practice
• Don’t be a two-faced jackal (Oh! I think I’ll add that one for next year’s updated version of Life Truths!)
Holding to these simple guidelines will ensure the number of times people snicker behind your back is minimized; the chance of someone publicizing the truth about your unstable, low self-esteem driven crazy antics is kept mostly under wraps; and you’re continued presence is tolerated – given your circumstances… whatever they may be.
Now run along and play. The grown-ups are talking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)