Hello. My name is Peace, and I’m a “what-iffer.”
Ooooh, the tragedy! *flings arm dramatically over face*
It's true, this sad tale. I voluntarily torment myself playing the "what if?" game. It’s not because I’m living a life of regret. I mean, I have regrets. Anyone who says they don’t is a big stinkin’ liar.
No, it's because there’s a lot going on in my head all the freakin' time. Sometimes I do this just to get all the voices focusing on one thing. Mostly though, it’s because I’m a lousy sleeper. Because there's only so much CNN one girl can watch, I’ll lay in the bed playing out different scenarios for when the Genie leaves the bottle and I’m asked, “to what age would you like to return in order to relive your life?”
Holy cow!!!
The veritable Mount Vesuvius of options! 16? 24? 29? 34? Each year had a major milestone during which I either made just the most impossibly wrong choice, or completely fucked up the right one… Sometimes I just wanna go back so I can say something altogether different than what I said, and that would change something else that I wish never happened. Occasionally I only bump back a week or a year. Just far enough to correct something, which generally means say something I didn’t say when I had the opportunity to say it.
If I’m wildly pissed at the world, I go to 16 when I had two choices: this, or that.
I chose this and I gotta say, every single day of my life I wish I would’ve chosen that because absolutely nothing would have been what it was.
Whatever.
Bygones.
The veritable Mount Vesuvius of options! 16? 24? 29? 34? Each year had a major milestone during which I either made just the most impossibly wrong choice, or completely fucked up the right one… Sometimes I just wanna go back so I can say something altogether different than what I said, and that would change something else that I wish never happened. Occasionally I only bump back a week or a year. Just far enough to correct something, which generally means say something I didn’t say when I had the opportunity to say it.
If I’m wildly pissed at the world, I go to 16 when I had two choices: this, or that.
I chose this and I gotta say, every single day of my life I wish I would’ve chosen that because absolutely nothing would have been what it was.
Whatever.
Bygones.
Okay, so back to this stupid mind-fuck of a game I play. After deciding on an age, next I factor in whether or not Genie Funkypants is letting me return to the past knowing everything I know now.
It's been said that you’ll fuck up the time/space continuum if you change the past during time travel. Still, no one can say that they wouldn’t change something… so I argue the benefit of letting me go forth with full knowledge of all events. Since this is my impossibly ridiculous game, and there are no consequences, I like to start off by doing something selfless: “Dude! I know you think she’s gorgeous, but keep your zipper in the upright and locked position!”
[Sidebar: I have to assume that there’s actually someone out there practicing actual time travel since we’ve been programmed to believe that business about upsetting the continuum. But who *knows* this for certain? How do we know it all won’t work out just fine anyway?]
[Sidebar: I have to assume that there’s actually someone out there practicing actual time travel since we’ve been programmed to believe that business about upsetting the continuum. But who *knows* this for certain? How do we know it all won’t work out just fine anyway?]
So after issuing a few much needed warnings, next stop...
Top 10 Things I Would TOTALLY Do If I Knew Then What I Know Now
1. Buy Apple stock
2. Buy Apple stock
3. Buy Apple stock
4. Buy Apple stock
5. Buy Apple stock
6. Buy Apple stock
7. Buy Apple stock
8. Buy Apple stock
9. Buy Apple stock
10. Buy Apple stock and not cop out on this list
Top 10 Things I Would NEVER Do If I Knew Then What I Know Now
2. Buy Apple stock
3. Buy Apple stock
4. Buy Apple stock
5. Buy Apple stock
6. Buy Apple stock
7. Buy Apple stock
8. Buy Apple stock
9. Buy Apple stock
10. Buy Apple stock and not cop out on this list
Top 10 Things I Would NEVER Do If I Knew Then What I Know Now
1. Lose my virginity to the guy I did
2. Yeah...
3. Ummm...
4. Other things...
5. *wanders off whistling*
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
That list would serve no purpose but to hurt feelings. It’s not that I would want to give back so many of the amazing experiences, great loves, astonishing people…totally wouldn't. But come on. Everyone sometimes secretly wishes for a totally different ending to particular chapter.
Since I can't ever do anything just a little bit, I usually wind up at "My Totally New Imaginary Life" and even I'm bored by then, so sleep can't be far away...
*clicks back to CNN*
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