All the Single Ladies

Are you seriously telling me that you can’t/won’t walk into a bar or restaurant alone? Good grief. *eyeroll* Next you’re going to tell me that you can’t/won’t eat out on your own or go to a movie solo!

Girls, as hard as this may be to digest, when you enter a building alone, people are not staring at you. To be brutally honest, the chance that anyone even noticed is slim. What? Now you’re insulted? Don’t be. It’s your own fault. You slink in hoping no one will see you, and sure enough, no one will.

I don’t mind waiting for someone at the bar (I’m habitually early) or dining out by myself. I know people aren’t staring at me or whispering about the woman sitting alone. In fact, I suspect some are actually envious. Whatever. The point I’m trying to make is that doing this is not scary or weird. In fact, for those living in Singledom, it can really work in your favor.

Irrespective of the other qualities on the list – great rack, sense of humor, millionaire – you’ll find that everyone is supposedly looking for a partner with confidence. Sure, you say you’re confident… then you cower in your car pretending to be on a call until you see your friends roll up. Really? You’re ridiculous.

There’s something hot, and kind of mysterious, about someone who can sit alone and enjoy a cocktail without “props.” That’s right. Put your phone down. Unless you’re actually a surgeon or an emergency veterinarian, you are not that important. The phone only serves to make you look desperate. And it’s just sad. So stop it. Need something to do while you wait?

• Sit up straight. Slouching is not only pathetic, it makes you look fat.
• Make eye contact and smile. Not that skeevy “come hither” smile you use in the clubs; just a little upturn of the mouth. Girls: men will find it charming; women will feel a kinship with you. Boys: flip that. It’s a win-win.
• People watch. Don’t be all Creep McGreeps about it, but take a sincere look. You’ll quickly realize that you’re not the topic of conversation, and most likely there are other people who are waiting on their inconsiderate, late friends, too. You are not alone.

When dining unaccompanied, I make this concession: feel free to use this time to catch up on your reading. Food service isn’t always paced to my liking and since I’m always 2-3 months behind on my magazines and desperately trying to finish a book, it’s like multi-tasking. And I’m always surprised how often some random person will send me a glass of wine. It’s nice.

[A note of caution: be aware that you’re a “1-top” and the server will want to turn your table with all due speed. If you’re camping out, order and tip accordingly. The Rule: appropriate tip for camping is 20% of what the bill would have been if you were a 2-top… so 40% minimum of your check.]

As for the movies, there are few things in this life I enjoy more than going to a show by myself. If you’ve never done this, or you’re not comfortable doing things on your own, choose a movie time that falls shortly after your next appointment with your shrink, and give it a go. I promise it’s fantastic. No one talks to you. No one asks you what was just said onscreen. You don’t have to explain the jokes, and most importantly, no one is shoving their big bear paw into your 2-gallon bucket of popcorn turning all the fluffy deliciousness into crumbs.

Bottom line: get over yourself. Everyone else is already over you.

Time, Time, Time...

I know, I’ve harped on this topic before, but it bears repeating. I’ll be brief.
There are very few things in this world we actually have control over. The sooner you grasp that concept the better off you’ll be. Something we can control is our time – more specifically, our time management skills.

You’ve been performing the shower, shampoo, and shine dance since you were a teenager. You know exactly how long it takes to go from bath to door. My question is this: why the hell are you always late?

Aside from the fact that it’s inexcusably intolerable, think about what this says about YOU. You’re telling people – your friends! – that your time is more valuable than their time; that it’s more important to you to jack around, dallying about with whatever distraction, than it is to be respectful.

Being late does not make you appear “cool” or oh-so-busy that you just couldn’t get where you were going on time what with being in such high demand. To the contrary, it serves to cement the fact that you’re selfish and inconsiderate.

So! For those of you who “just can’t” be on time, here’s a little time management gift from me to you.

1. Accept invitation
2. Post invitation wherever necessary so as not to forget
3. Determine location of meeting place using whatever means at your disposal
4. Mentally gauge how long it will take you to transport yourself to said location based on time of day
5. Factor in any additional stops which may be required such as filling your gas tank or that “quick” detour by your parent’s house
6. Determine how long preparations for rendezvous will take
7. Now use the following formula:

• Event Time – (transportation time + 10 minus) – (preparation time + 10 minutes) = Bath Time

I do realize that if you can’t consistently arrive at a designated location at a designated time, math might be a bit over your head, so try tucking into this:

• 8:00PM meet at favorite bar – (15 minutes to get there + 10 minutes just in case) – (1 hour to get ready + 10 minutes to change mind about hair style) = 6:20PM bath time

Note that by building in an extra 10 minutes to preparation time, I can reassess my ensemble if need be. The additional 10 in transportation ensures that if traffic is particularly congested, I’m still in line to arrive promptly.

If you’re reading this and mentally composing your scathing “Comment” for insertion below, mull this scenario over first:

You’re going out on “a big date.” He’s said he’ll pick you up at 7pm.
At 7:05 you're checking out the peep hole.
At 7:15, you’re blatantly throwing open the curtains to check the street.
At 7:25 you turn out all the lights and swear you’re not opening the door when he arrives.
At 7:26 you’re not sure you have the right night so you turn on the lights to check whatever mechanism you stored this big event reminder on.
At 7:40 you’ve decided to change into jeans and bail when there’s a knock at the door.
Remember how pissed you were a minute ago? There you have it. You’re glad your date hasn’t stood you up but you’re looking for a mighty damn good explanation for being treated with such gross disrespect. After all, you could’ve spent that time doing plenty of things other than waiting.

The principle of this scenario plays out the same when you keep your girlfriends waiting. It’s just as rude and inconsiderate and just so we’re clear, I won’t wait. If you’re late because you didn’t want to be alone waiting for me, you’re in for a longer wait than you thought.

From time to time, unexpected circumstances arise which put you off schedule. I get that; I’m not a complete hard-ass. You’re late. But you know you’re late. You knew you were late well before the pre-determined meeting time. So call whomever you’re meeting! And don’t wait until after you’re late – they already know! You don't wait until 5 minutes before you're supposed to be somewhere. You place that call the moment you realize you're going to keep someone waiting. For all you know they may have had something come up and now they’re busting their ass to be on time – and making it – but could slow down and take a breath knowing that there’s been a 30 minute delay.

If your “big issue” is that you’re just not comfortable walking into a bar or restaurant alone, get over it! Walk in, sit down, order a drink and look around. No one is staring at you! Quit acting like a school kid.

Being on time doesn’t appear desperate. Quite the opposite, really. It shows your friends, family, or business acquaintances that you’re excited and reliable. People do not respect those who cannot be depended on to do what they commit to doing.

Being on time is easy and 100% under your control. Grow up.

Speak No Evil

You’d think that with six weeks off while my hands healed I would’ve come up with a huge list of topics, injustices, and social faux pas to discuss. I didn’t. Actually this little respite found me mulling over just about nothing…

…except this.

It’s hard to tell your friends the hard truths. I would itemize specific “hard truths” but even though I’ve been asked to, I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell the friends in question. I’m pretty sure they’d recognize themselves here and that’s just cowardly.

People always say things like, “I’d want you to tell me.” Ha! Yeah. In theory! How about this; how about you don’t shoot the messenger?

It’s like asking someone’s honest opinion then getting shitty when you don’t like what you hear. How about this; how about you just don’t ask?

The only thing that attitude serves to accomplish is ensuring that the next time you ask me, oh yeah… I’m totally going to tell you whatever it is you want to hear. It’s not worth the grief.

As for those things that need to be said but nobody has manned-up to, I’m wondering why I’m the chosen one so often. Why do I have to be the one to say something? Is it because, in the words of someone whose company I do not enjoy, I’m “all business and no joke”? So… what?

Yeah, I’m one tough broad (*giggles*) but I’m not unsympathetic! And I do have feelings… somewhere… maybe in a bag in the back of my closet. Still! That doesn’t mean I’m keen to go in all willy-nilly to deliver information that could very well be unwelcome.

Maybe it’s cowardly to join the masses and keep my trap shut. Even more cowardly than the fact that I’ve stood by making excuses for said friends instead of actually having the conversation. But in my defense, no one is actually getting hurt; there’s no felony in the making; no blood will be shed nor relationship ruined…

… except perhaps ours.

We're here! We're here!

Due to an unfortunate incident last week, I'm left typing with just two fingers. Fear not... I look to be employing the use of additional digits soon! In the meantime, cull the archives. Surely something there will pique your interest!

Love Stinks

I’ve never denied that I’m a little broken. Most of us are, really. I suppose “most” want to hide this fact, but from where I stand, I can’t see the point. I used to be one of the “most” but then discovered that trying to hide the mammoth pile that constitutes my flaws only sets me up to disappoint myself or someone else. Besides, broken is my cash cow!

Living amongst the excruciatingly long list of my many, many flaws is an entire section devoted to my extensive experience in disastrous decisions, inclusive of subsections containing chapters, footnotes, cross-references and my personal journals cataloged into a bibliography. I suppose that’s why people are comfortable seeking out my thoughts on their equally screwed up lives. (Note: I did not say advice. That would be counterproductive on their part, obviously.) I have a lot of relationship material to draw on; great relationships and ghastly ones, horrifying and seemingly endless serial dating, paralyzing break-ups, ridiculously stupid affairs, and dodgy one-night stands. It would then stand to good reasoning that I’ve developed some thoughts on the topic of relationships.

By way of disclaimer, I’m not suggesting that I’ve managed to employ the following in anything more than theory. Sometimes you just have to do as I say, not as I do. I am, and for you Dear Readers I will remain, your constant source for a cautionary tale.

Okay. Here we go:

Mull this: shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate our little quirks, but actually likes them? You deserve to be with someone who understands your brand of happiness.

People who complicate your life rather than make it easier for you to breathe are not good for you, no matter how bangin’ the body or fantastic the hair. Simplify. Close the circle a bit. If your responsibilities within the relationship leave you overwrought by the struggle to hold it together alone, remind yourself that it will never, ever get any better or easier.

I read somewhere – maybe in a toilet stall – that there are people who take the heart out of you and there are people who put it back. There’s no sense crying yourself to sleep for nights on end. That will only guarantee a pissy morning of trying to get your eyelashes on, or a lousy ballgame after work. Take a deep breath and look around. Someone is waiting, and excited about you.

ALL relationships, whether with friends or lovers, ebb and wane. Rule of thumb: when caught in the riptide, don’t fight it. Swim parallel to the shore.

Try to remember that love doesn’t hurt. Disappointment, broken trust, lack of respect, a kick in the shins… these things hurt. These things are not love. Take solace in knowing that once you leave that kind of “love” behind, the pain goes away pretty quickly. While you wait you can reflect on the lesson you just learned.

Love does not take hostages. We tend to get wrapped up, tied down, and brainwashed into thinking that if it’s not working, we deserve the misery because we failed. Own your half and get the hell out. Waiting a week, a month, a year, is not going to change the outcome. It will only ensure you have to wait longer for someone who wants to be with you.

You cannot retrieve a missed opportunity. Stop worrying about looking like an ass and just say what you have to say.
“I love you whether you care or not.”
“I hate you and that should matter.”
“Helloooo, hot pants! What’s your sign!”
Don’t spend so much time in your head thinking about what you want to say. Just blurt it out. It may go great, it may go rot. Either way, you can say you were brave enough to do it. We all make mistakes… don’t make yours one of “what-might-have-been.” And don’t wait. Time is always of the essence.

For your own sake and the sensibilities of your friends, learn to say “no.” It’s the only real way to avoid bitterness and repeated bad reconciliations. It’s equally as important to remember that no means no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you feel, and offering one will have you halfway back to yes. Stand your ground! I would suggest doing so in the yard with a beverage.

Don’t be afraid to fail in a HUGE way! Huge risk makes success sweeter and failure funnier.

When someone doesn’t remember things you’ve said or requests you’ve made, know that it’s not because they have a poor memory. It’s because you don’t matter enough for them to bother paying attention. This is an irrefutable fact. Sorry.

Change. Change yourself, your circumstance, your hair color, whatever isn’t working. That said, do not make changes for someone else that are not a personal improvement. For example, it’s an easy thing to dash off your habit of leaving your crap strewn all over your abode if it bothers the people/person you live with. This is a personal change that has been scientifically proven to aid in clearer, more productive thought processing, thus, a positive personal change. There is no positive personal change in giving up your standards, morals, convictions, or money to someone else.

Learn when to let go. It’s a waste of time to wish for the impossible.

Three of a Kind

“What we’ve got here, is a failure to communicate.” ~ Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke (1967)


Though not the intention, when applied to relationships between men and women, truer words were never spoken. What men say and what women hear could not possibly be more at odds. In most cases we could close the gap if, as women, we would quit trying to read between the lines and just accept the actual words.

I’ll be the first to admit that for years I thought all of this was nothing more than propaganda generated to allow men an “out” for being too damned lazy to actually participate in the parts of a relationship that don’t involve sex. If that makes you want to throw yourself into the bottom of a vodka bottle, take heed: rumor has it some men actually understand that work is required on their part too, if they intend to consistently have sex for the rest of their lives.

Sorry, no, I don’t have those phone numbers…

“Men are either playing with you, or planning with you.” ~ Steve Harvey
I’m a big fan of Mr. Harvey’s book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” Here’s the thing though… if you’re not willing to take a hard look at your own crazy behavior, girls you are not going to like what he has to say. I’m not saying I agree with all of it (Mr. Harvey – it’s impossible for me to take your “power” away from you, sir), but he does make some valid if hard to swallow points. Make this your mantra: He’s either playing with me or planning with me. Figure that out then you can decide if you’re going to be his booty-call or his partner.

“Men are only as loyal as their options.” ~ Bill Maher
This is true from the beer they drink to the dates they keep. I’ve never heard a guy say “no, thanks” to a beer just because it’s not his preferred brand. They think of dating the same way. “Sure, she’s not the one I want, but I’ll totally take her for now.” Now, do you really want to be his emergency-back-up-spare? Of course not! But as long as there are options, he’ll be making choices. Your success is based on your ability is to limit the options - not by shortening his leash, but by becoming the only beer he wants to drink. If he’s a true blue Bud man and you’re offering up the ice-cold mountains of the Rockies, what do you suppose he’s going to do?

“A man has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason, and the real reason.” ~ JP Morgan
This means if you come home to discover flowers “just because you deserve them” – which is totally true; your dry cleaning has mysteriously appeared in your closet or dinner is on the table “because I know how busy you are,” go shave your legs. He believes in his actions, which = a good reason. He also knows that this is the quickest way to get you into the bed = the real reason.

There you are, ladies – three very different men with the same idea. If you can master these, you’re armed with all the knowledge to keep or discard any man in your life, on your terms. To all non-believers I say this: eventually you will have to embrace the fact that men are, in essence, just simple… and incredibly self-indulgent. They think using their small words. If you just listen to them, you’ll get all the information you need.

Here are your new rules:

1. Do not assume there’s ever an “implied” anything. They don’t know how to do that. Implying things is strictly girl territory; a bad habit which should be broken posthaste.

2. If his words were, “I’ll text you” (ewww! really?) and you don’t hear from him until late one Saturday night with the excuse that he lost his phone – that’s playing with you.

3. Another example of playing not planning: you invite him to a BBQ next weekend and he says, “I’ll have to let you know.” Oh, he already knows… he’s just gonna confirm that nothing better comes along before committing.

4. If a man wants to be with you, he will find a way to make that happen! Go ahead, I'll wait while you read it again.

5. Stop being so accommodating. You just look easy.

6. Remember that if he needs a short leash, he’s a runner. In the long run that’s just entirely too much work for too little return.

7. As long as he has options, so do you. Exercise yours not to look like a pathetic, spineless, sad-sack by clinging on to something that doesn’t exist.

Lastly, please stop dragging your girlfriends through your mind-numbing renditions of every conversation, text, or email. It’s very difficult for us to tell you what you truly already know: that he’s a cad. Hear what he says and save a friendship. It’s a win-win.

Malapropism

In an effort to stem the tidal wave of your hate mail right upfront, I’m going to kick this off by telling you that I have a vocal accent… of the Southern variety. That said, I’m the perfect person to take issue with word pronunciation given that I use entirely too many vowels, and alongside everyone else in the great state of Texas I was once forced to learn how to say “Sesquicentennial.” Seems to me that the word “ask” shouldn’t be that tough.

Inasmuch as I support the expansion of the English language with real words, I find the social acceptance of mispronunciation abhorrent. If we’re going to stand by the notion that we don’t want people to judge us by how we look, and according some of the misbegotten suggestions left in the Comments section of DNR: The English Language, we shouldn’t be judged by how we communicate, how then should we go about the process of forming impressions of people? Do you really want to paint yourself into that corner?

Bottom line is this: like it or not, you are going to be judged by how you speak: your ability to conjugate a verb correctly, your basic grammar skills, and your level of competent enunciation. No one is asking you to get Sesquicentennial right the first time; my exception here is with the pure laziness of not bothering - even with the easy ones. Here are a few, in no particular order, to demonstrate the point:

Woof: this is something an animal does. In this case, the animal is question is a wolf. See the “L”? Don’t be afraid to use it.

Gawf: that’s the best I can communicate that one. The word is “golf” – see above.

Birfday: I’ve said it before… unless you’re missing teeth or in speech therapy, just stop it. Contrary to the movie running in your head, it’s not cute and puts your maturity level in question.

Feberary: say it slowly: Feb ru ary. It’s almost as though that first “r” is silent… which would be a nice direction for those who refuse to get this right.

Valentime: time to find a new Valentine, I’d say.

Libary: really? Isn’t there a dictionary stored there?

Probly or Prolly: *eyeroll* probably going to cement that position in a minimum wage job.

Supposively: I… I… I don’t even know where to start with this one. What is a supposive? *sighs* It’s supposedly. That’s right… with a “d.”

Spayded: let’s hope the mother of that imbecile was spayed after this runt was born.

You may ask, "why should I heed this advice?"
Because people don’t take you seriously. You sound like an illiterate imbecile. Yeeees, I get that there are colloquial variations - we've already talked aboout my vowels, and nobody loves the sound of a man from Boston or Brooklyn more than I do! But knowing the difference and monitoring your pronunciation is essential if you don’t want people to treat you like the village idiot... or a drunk.

Don’t go getting all salty over that remark. A “handler” once told me that my accent was distracting and made me sound uneducated. I was wholly insulted… at first. Then I began to see a modicum of validity. Sure, lots of folks – mostly men – find my accent charming. But when I’m standing in front of a room full of people, is “charming” what I want the audience to walk away with? It’s really not any different than when a woman shows too much cleavage. No one is taking her seriously. They’re completely focused on whether or not she did it on purpose. Mispronunciation is the equivalent of mental boobage. Don't believe me? Watch their faces when you "ax" if there are questions.

Just so I'm perfectly clear, the issue at hand is not with accents. No one is telling you to shed yours. Only to know the difference and to stop pronouncing words like a three-year old because you think it's cute, or because you're too damned lazy to use your tongue. That doesn't bode well for anyone...

I was thinking that I might also take issue with using words whose definitions you don't know but you've decided make you sound smart - when in truth you just “showed a nipple” - but I’ll save it for another time. Besides, I’m sure that much like my previous rants on the issues of grammar and the degeneration of our language, it's a moot point… so don't be afraid to stay mute and ensure you don’t show your ass as well as your boobs.