Love Stinks

I’ve never denied that I’m a little broken. Most of us are, really. I suppose “most” want to hide this fact, but from where I stand, I can’t see the point. I used to be one of the “most” but then discovered that trying to hide the mammoth pile that constitutes my flaws only sets me up to disappoint myself or someone else. Besides, broken is my cash cow!

Living amongst the excruciatingly long list of my many, many flaws is an entire section devoted to my extensive experience in disastrous decisions, inclusive of subsections containing chapters, footnotes, cross-references and my personal journals cataloged into a bibliography. I suppose that’s why people are comfortable seeking out my thoughts on their equally screwed up lives. (Note: I did not say advice. That would be counterproductive on their part, obviously.) I have a lot of relationship material to draw on; great relationships and ghastly ones, horrifying and seemingly endless serial dating, paralyzing break-ups, ridiculously stupid affairs, and dodgy one-night stands. It would then stand to good reasoning that I’ve developed some thoughts on the topic of relationships.

By way of disclaimer, I’m not suggesting that I’ve managed to employ the following in anything more than theory. Sometimes you just have to do as I say, not as I do. I am, and for you Dear Readers I will remain, your constant source for a cautionary tale.

Okay. Here we go:

Mull this: shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate our little quirks, but actually likes them? You deserve to be with someone who understands your brand of happiness.

People who complicate your life rather than make it easier for you to breathe are not good for you, no matter how bangin’ the body or fantastic the hair. Simplify. Close the circle a bit. If your responsibilities within the relationship leave you overwrought by the struggle to hold it together alone, remind yourself that it will never, ever get any better or easier.

I read somewhere – maybe in a toilet stall – that there are people who take the heart out of you and there are people who put it back. There’s no sense crying yourself to sleep for nights on end. That will only guarantee a pissy morning of trying to get your eyelashes on, or a lousy ballgame after work. Take a deep breath and look around. Someone is waiting, and excited about you.

ALL relationships, whether with friends or lovers, ebb and wane. Rule of thumb: when caught in the riptide, don’t fight it. Swim parallel to the shore.

Try to remember that love doesn’t hurt. Disappointment, broken trust, lack of respect, a kick in the shins… these things hurt. These things are not love. Take solace in knowing that once you leave that kind of “love” behind, the pain goes away pretty quickly. While you wait you can reflect on the lesson you just learned.

Love does not take hostages. We tend to get wrapped up, tied down, and brainwashed into thinking that if it’s not working, we deserve the misery because we failed. Own your half and get the hell out. Waiting a week, a month, a year, is not going to change the outcome. It will only ensure you have to wait longer for someone who wants to be with you.

You cannot retrieve a missed opportunity. Stop worrying about looking like an ass and just say what you have to say.
“I love you whether you care or not.”
“I hate you and that should matter.”
“Helloooo, hot pants! What’s your sign!”
Don’t spend so much time in your head thinking about what you want to say. Just blurt it out. It may go great, it may go rot. Either way, you can say you were brave enough to do it. We all make mistakes… don’t make yours one of “what-might-have-been.” And don’t wait. Time is always of the essence.

For your own sake and the sensibilities of your friends, learn to say “no.” It’s the only real way to avoid bitterness and repeated bad reconciliations. It’s equally as important to remember that no means no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you feel, and offering one will have you halfway back to yes. Stand your ground! I would suggest doing so in the yard with a beverage.

Don’t be afraid to fail in a HUGE way! Huge risk makes success sweeter and failure funnier.

When someone doesn’t remember things you’ve said or requests you’ve made, know that it’s not because they have a poor memory. It’s because you don’t matter enough for them to bother paying attention. This is an irrefutable fact. Sorry.

Change. Change yourself, your circumstance, your hair color, whatever isn’t working. That said, do not make changes for someone else that are not a personal improvement. For example, it’s an easy thing to dash off your habit of leaving your crap strewn all over your abode if it bothers the people/person you live with. This is a personal change that has been scientifically proven to aid in clearer, more productive thought processing, thus, a positive personal change. There is no positive personal change in giving up your standards, morals, convictions, or money to someone else.

Learn when to let go. It’s a waste of time to wish for the impossible.