Malapropism

In an effort to stem the tidal wave of your hate mail right upfront, I’m going to kick this off by telling you that I have a vocal accent… of the Southern variety. That said, I’m the perfect person to take issue with word pronunciation given that I use entirely too many vowels, and alongside everyone else in the great state of Texas I was once forced to learn how to say “Sesquicentennial.” Seems to me that the word “ask” shouldn’t be that tough.

Inasmuch as I support the expansion of the English language with real words, I find the social acceptance of mispronunciation abhorrent. If we’re going to stand by the notion that we don’t want people to judge us by how we look, and according some of the misbegotten suggestions left in the Comments section of DNR: The English Language, we shouldn’t be judged by how we communicate, how then should we go about the process of forming impressions of people? Do you really want to paint yourself into that corner?

Bottom line is this: like it or not, you are going to be judged by how you speak: your ability to conjugate a verb correctly, your basic grammar skills, and your level of competent enunciation. No one is asking you to get Sesquicentennial right the first time; my exception here is with the pure laziness of not bothering - even with the easy ones. Here are a few, in no particular order, to demonstrate the point:

Woof: this is something an animal does. In this case, the animal is question is a wolf. See the “L”? Don’t be afraid to use it.

Gawf: that’s the best I can communicate that one. The word is “golf” – see above.

Birfday: I’ve said it before… unless you’re missing teeth or in speech therapy, just stop it. Contrary to the movie running in your head, it’s not cute and puts your maturity level in question.

Feberary: say it slowly: Feb ru ary. It’s almost as though that first “r” is silent… which would be a nice direction for those who refuse to get this right.

Valentime: time to find a new Valentine, I’d say.

Libary: really? Isn’t there a dictionary stored there?

Probly or Prolly: *eyeroll* probably going to cement that position in a minimum wage job.

Supposively: I… I… I don’t even know where to start with this one. What is a supposive? *sighs* It’s supposedly. That’s right… with a “d.”

Spayded: let’s hope the mother of that imbecile was spayed after this runt was born.

You may ask, "why should I heed this advice?"
Because people don’t take you seriously. You sound like an illiterate imbecile. Yeeees, I get that there are colloquial variations - we've already talked aboout my vowels, and nobody loves the sound of a man from Boston or Brooklyn more than I do! But knowing the difference and monitoring your pronunciation is essential if you don’t want people to treat you like the village idiot... or a drunk.

Don’t go getting all salty over that remark. A “handler” once told me that my accent was distracting and made me sound uneducated. I was wholly insulted… at first. Then I began to see a modicum of validity. Sure, lots of folks – mostly men – find my accent charming. But when I’m standing in front of a room full of people, is “charming” what I want the audience to walk away with? It’s really not any different than when a woman shows too much cleavage. No one is taking her seriously. They’re completely focused on whether or not she did it on purpose. Mispronunciation is the equivalent of mental boobage. Don't believe me? Watch their faces when you "ax" if there are questions.

Just so I'm perfectly clear, the issue at hand is not with accents. No one is telling you to shed yours. Only to know the difference and to stop pronouncing words like a three-year old because you think it's cute, or because you're too damned lazy to use your tongue. That doesn't bode well for anyone...

I was thinking that I might also take issue with using words whose definitions you don't know but you've decided make you sound smart - when in truth you just “showed a nipple” - but I’ll save it for another time. Besides, I’m sure that much like my previous rants on the issues of grammar and the degeneration of our language, it's a moot point… so don't be afraid to stay mute and ensure you don’t show your ass as well as your boobs.