Black Friday

This entire month nearly came and went without a word from me. Technically, I suppose it still will as this is a repost from last year. Nonetheless, some things bear repeating.
 
I don’t care what time of year it is, when I’m paying $5 for a cup of coffee, I want what I want, and I want it however I ask for it. Do not raise your eyebrows at me little Miss Barista, when I politely tell you that I would like a venti, non-fat, no foam, almond, gingerbread latte, with two extra shots. This is America and I’m perversely self-entitled. It’s my prerogative. Much like my un-American boycott of Black Friday.

Clarification: Said boycott actually has less to do with the long reaching, economic predictor holiday arm than it does with an early life discovery that the bars are open and the bartenders are bored. Holiday spending and gift-giving probably does induce pre- and post-seasonal depression. I say it’s kinder to keep that to yourself. It’s a different kind of holiday giving.

I think the whole Black Friday tradition of beating the hell out of people for 24 to 72 hours in an effort to procure bargains completely defies logic. What sane individual willingly leaves their home in a state of post-Thanksgiving lethargy, to get into a moving vehicle, negotiate traffic, circle endlessly in search of up front parking (because we don’t want to burn off any excess calories by parking at a distance from the destination), elbow mannerless other shoppers out of the way, and wait on endless lines all for the possibility of saving a few dollars, only to return home exhausted and further financially burdened?

NEWSFLASH PEOPLE: These same deals are available online and I haven’t paid for shipping in years. There’s a code for that…

I learned a long time ago that the whole of holiday shopping is something best done in the seclusion of my home office with a strong toddy. It’s been and will remain a perfect arrangement and my own personal holiday tradition.

If it’s the “spirit of the season” that forces you out of the house, I have an idea. Remember that bartender? Take your fancy phone with its fancy applications and park yourself on a stool in front of him… or her. Now you not only have the comfort of a chair and a cocktail, you also have a shopping mate. Believe me when I say, some of my best, and most unusual, gift ideas have come from bartenders. Not only do they know stuff, they know people. They’re a wealth of information, from who hates what newest electronic gadget and why; to all the reasons you might reconsider purchasing that diamond solitaire based on last weekend’s shenanigans.

Disclaimer: If you have reason to believe that I know you were planning that diamond purchase and are now wondering what I know that you don’t – it purely coincidental. I don’t know anything about anyone. Move along, People. There’s no show here.

OK. That’s all I have on this. Drink and shop responsibly.

Don't Pet My Peeve

For some time now, I’ve been putting together a random list of my pet peeves… so imagine my surprise when I read two of them on Sarcasm Society this morning. Ba!

The upside is that it lit a fire under me to share these little bits of insight and wisdom. Note that this list was not put together in a rush or ill advisedly. I’m also not certain it’s complete…

“I could care less”
Really? Could you? Then perhaps you should. The idiom is, “I couldn’t care less,” meaning the amount you care doesn't even exist at rock-bottom. I promise that if you use this phrase incorrectly, I will gently correct you by saying, very slowly in hopes your feeble mind will take note, “I could not possibly care any less.”

“Trust me…”
Because… why? You normally lie but this time you’re telling the truth? Because you think you know more about a given situation than anyone else? Are you seriously that self-involved that you believe you’re the ultimate authority? Just hearing you say that immediately generates a knee-jerk reaction from me not to trust you.

“I want to say…”
Well then go ahead, say it. I had a friend once who thought making fun of people who said this was absolutely the funniest, make-you-snort-with-laughter thing ever. Agreed. If you don’t know, just say you don’t know. Don’t guess and preface it with that expression. It’s ridiculous. Consider it said.

“LOL”
This is not something you type in a text, IM, or chat room just to fill the silence. And are you really laughing out loud? I doubt it. If you are actually chortling, how about employing the use of a phrase less pedestrian?

And while we’re on the topic of texting, why oh why do you think I want to waste time locating my chirping cell just to read your conversation ending, “K.” Here’s the thing: acquiescence is implied by your silence. For example: “I’ll meet you at the bar at 9.” If for some reason you’re not going to make it, then respond as such. Otherwise, go on about the business of preparation so you’re not late.

Oh, the perpetually tardy. You can judge an adult’s sense of respect for others based solely on whether or not they can manage to consistently be on time. I’ve ranted through this topic on numerous occasions, but if you missed it, go read Time Time Time.

Whistling. Some would say this bothers me because I can’t do it. I say I can’t do it because, well, why would I want to? I fail to see any reason why someone would fill a car with this harsh, high-pitched racket when there’s a perfectly conversational companion in the next seat. There is absolutely no call for walking around the office or anywhere else you’re not alone making this incredibly annoying noise. Let’s make a deal, I promise to continue only singing in the shower if you promise to only whistle there. And to be specific, your own shower, not mine. Preferably in another state. Thank you for your cooperation.

I know people who lie about the most asinine things. Things no one actually cares about anyway. It’s part of a game of one-upmanship and I have no tolerance for this sort of behavior. In what Universe do you suppose telling me how wonderful or dedicated or whatever you are is going to make a difference in my life? I live in my own little Jana Bubble. If it doesn’t directly impact me or my serenity I don’t give a shit what you do, when you do it, or who you’re doing it with. Lie about it though and you’re dead to me.

This list goes on to include things like bad table manners, no manners, loud-mouthed women, white after Labor Day no matter what “fashion” says this year, people who can’t hold their liquor or behave properly under the influence of one-too-many, children who don’t understand the phrase “seen but not heard” and the insecure parents who let them get away with acts of total disrespect, pettiness, and the slovenly.

*whew*

After all of that, it might seem like it’s difficult to be with me. It’s not. Merely think before you speak, and consider the outcome before you act. *shrugs*

All the Single Ladies

Are you seriously telling me that you can’t/won’t walk into a bar or restaurant alone? Good grief. *eyeroll* Next you’re going to tell me that you can’t/won’t eat out on your own or go to a movie solo!

Girls, as hard as this may be to digest, when you enter a building alone, people are not staring at you. To be brutally honest, the chance that anyone even noticed is slim. What? Now you’re insulted? Don’t be. It’s your own fault. You slink in hoping no one will see you, and sure enough, no one will.

I don’t mind waiting for someone at the bar (I’m habitually early) or dining out by myself. I know people aren’t staring at me or whispering about the woman sitting alone. In fact, I suspect some are actually envious. Whatever. The point I’m trying to make is that doing this is not scary or weird. In fact, for those living in Singledom, it can really work in your favor.

Irrespective of the other qualities on the list – great rack, sense of humor, millionaire – you’ll find that everyone is supposedly looking for a partner with confidence. Sure, you say you’re confident… then you cower in your car pretending to be on a call until you see your friends roll up. Really? You’re ridiculous.

There’s something hot, and kind of mysterious, about someone who can sit alone and enjoy a cocktail without “props.” That’s right. Put your phone down. Unless you’re actually a surgeon or an emergency veterinarian, you are not that important. The phone only serves to make you look desperate. And it’s just sad. So stop it. Need something to do while you wait?

• Sit up straight. Slouching is not only pathetic, it makes you look fat.
• Make eye contact and smile. Not that skeevy “come hither” smile you use in the clubs; just a little upturn of the mouth. Girls: men will find it charming; women will feel a kinship with you. Boys: flip that. It’s a win-win.
• People watch. Don’t be all Creep McGreeps about it, but take a sincere look. You’ll quickly realize that you’re not the topic of conversation, and most likely there are other people who are waiting on their inconsiderate, late friends, too. You are not alone.

When dining unaccompanied, I make this concession: feel free to use this time to catch up on your reading. Food service isn’t always paced to my liking and since I’m always 2-3 months behind on my magazines and desperately trying to finish a book, it’s like multi-tasking. And I’m always surprised how often some random person will send me a glass of wine. It’s nice.

[A note of caution: be aware that you’re a “1-top” and the server will want to turn your table with all due speed. If you’re camping out, order and tip accordingly. The Rule: appropriate tip for camping is 20% of what the bill would have been if you were a 2-top… so 40% minimum of your check.]

As for the movies, there are few things in this life I enjoy more than going to a show by myself. If you’ve never done this, or you’re not comfortable doing things on your own, choose a movie time that falls shortly after your next appointment with your shrink, and give it a go. I promise it’s fantastic. No one talks to you. No one asks you what was just said onscreen. You don’t have to explain the jokes, and most importantly, no one is shoving their big bear paw into your 2-gallon bucket of popcorn turning all the fluffy deliciousness into crumbs.

Bottom line: get over yourself. Everyone else is already over you.

Time, Time, Time...

I know, I’ve harped on this topic before, but it bears repeating. I’ll be brief.
There are very few things in this world we actually have control over. The sooner you grasp that concept the better off you’ll be. Something we can control is our time – more specifically, our time management skills.

You’ve been performing the shower, shampoo, and shine dance since you were a teenager. You know exactly how long it takes to go from bath to door. My question is this: why the hell are you always late?

Aside from the fact that it’s inexcusably intolerable, think about what this says about YOU. You’re telling people – your friends! – that your time is more valuable than their time; that it’s more important to you to jack around, dallying about with whatever distraction, than it is to be respectful.

Being late does not make you appear “cool” or oh-so-busy that you just couldn’t get where you were going on time what with being in such high demand. To the contrary, it serves to cement the fact that you’re selfish and inconsiderate.

So! For those of you who “just can’t” be on time, here’s a little time management gift from me to you.

1. Accept invitation
2. Post invitation wherever necessary so as not to forget
3. Determine location of meeting place using whatever means at your disposal
4. Mentally gauge how long it will take you to transport yourself to said location based on time of day
5. Factor in any additional stops which may be required such as filling your gas tank or that “quick” detour by your parent’s house
6. Determine how long preparations for rendezvous will take
7. Now use the following formula:

• Event Time – (transportation time + 10 minus) – (preparation time + 10 minutes) = Bath Time

I do realize that if you can’t consistently arrive at a designated location at a designated time, math might be a bit over your head, so try tucking into this:

• 8:00PM meet at favorite bar – (15 minutes to get there + 10 minutes just in case) – (1 hour to get ready + 10 minutes to change mind about hair style) = 6:20PM bath time

Note that by building in an extra 10 minutes to preparation time, I can reassess my ensemble if need be. The additional 10 in transportation ensures that if traffic is particularly congested, I’m still in line to arrive promptly.

If you’re reading this and mentally composing your scathing “Comment” for insertion below, mull this scenario over first:

You’re going out on “a big date.” He’s said he’ll pick you up at 7pm.
At 7:05 you're checking out the peep hole.
At 7:15, you’re blatantly throwing open the curtains to check the street.
At 7:25 you turn out all the lights and swear you’re not opening the door when he arrives.
At 7:26 you’re not sure you have the right night so you turn on the lights to check whatever mechanism you stored this big event reminder on.
At 7:40 you’ve decided to change into jeans and bail when there’s a knock at the door.
Remember how pissed you were a minute ago? There you have it. You’re glad your date hasn’t stood you up but you’re looking for a mighty damn good explanation for being treated with such gross disrespect. After all, you could’ve spent that time doing plenty of things other than waiting.

The principle of this scenario plays out the same when you keep your girlfriends waiting. It’s just as rude and inconsiderate and just so we’re clear, I won’t wait. If you’re late because you didn’t want to be alone waiting for me, you’re in for a longer wait than you thought.

From time to time, unexpected circumstances arise which put you off schedule. I get that; I’m not a complete hard-ass. You’re late. But you know you’re late. You knew you were late well before the pre-determined meeting time. So call whomever you’re meeting! And don’t wait until after you’re late – they already know! You don't wait until 5 minutes before you're supposed to be somewhere. You place that call the moment you realize you're going to keep someone waiting. For all you know they may have had something come up and now they’re busting their ass to be on time – and making it – but could slow down and take a breath knowing that there’s been a 30 minute delay.

If your “big issue” is that you’re just not comfortable walking into a bar or restaurant alone, get over it! Walk in, sit down, order a drink and look around. No one is staring at you! Quit acting like a school kid.

Being on time doesn’t appear desperate. Quite the opposite, really. It shows your friends, family, or business acquaintances that you’re excited and reliable. People do not respect those who cannot be depended on to do what they commit to doing.

Being on time is easy and 100% under your control. Grow up.

Speak No Evil

You’d think that with six weeks off while my hands healed I would’ve come up with a huge list of topics, injustices, and social faux pas to discuss. I didn’t. Actually this little respite found me mulling over just about nothing…

…except this.

It’s hard to tell your friends the hard truths. I would itemize specific “hard truths” but even though I’ve been asked to, I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell the friends in question. I’m pretty sure they’d recognize themselves here and that’s just cowardly.

People always say things like, “I’d want you to tell me.” Ha! Yeah. In theory! How about this; how about you don’t shoot the messenger?

It’s like asking someone’s honest opinion then getting shitty when you don’t like what you hear. How about this; how about you just don’t ask?

The only thing that attitude serves to accomplish is ensuring that the next time you ask me, oh yeah… I’m totally going to tell you whatever it is you want to hear. It’s not worth the grief.

As for those things that need to be said but nobody has manned-up to, I’m wondering why I’m the chosen one so often. Why do I have to be the one to say something? Is it because, in the words of someone whose company I do not enjoy, I’m “all business and no joke”? So… what?

Yeah, I’m one tough broad (*giggles*) but I’m not unsympathetic! And I do have feelings… somewhere… maybe in a bag in the back of my closet. Still! That doesn’t mean I’m keen to go in all willy-nilly to deliver information that could very well be unwelcome.

Maybe it’s cowardly to join the masses and keep my trap shut. Even more cowardly than the fact that I’ve stood by making excuses for said friends instead of actually having the conversation. But in my defense, no one is actually getting hurt; there’s no felony in the making; no blood will be shed nor relationship ruined…

… except perhaps ours.

We're here! We're here!

Due to an unfortunate incident last week, I'm left typing with just two fingers. Fear not... I look to be employing the use of additional digits soon! In the meantime, cull the archives. Surely something there will pique your interest!

Love Stinks

I’ve never denied that I’m a little broken. Most of us are, really. I suppose “most” want to hide this fact, but from where I stand, I can’t see the point. I used to be one of the “most” but then discovered that trying to hide the mammoth pile that constitutes my flaws only sets me up to disappoint myself or someone else. Besides, broken is my cash cow!

Living amongst the excruciatingly long list of my many, many flaws is an entire section devoted to my extensive experience in disastrous decisions, inclusive of subsections containing chapters, footnotes, cross-references and my personal journals cataloged into a bibliography. I suppose that’s why people are comfortable seeking out my thoughts on their equally screwed up lives. (Note: I did not say advice. That would be counterproductive on their part, obviously.) I have a lot of relationship material to draw on; great relationships and ghastly ones, horrifying and seemingly endless serial dating, paralyzing break-ups, ridiculously stupid affairs, and dodgy one-night stands. It would then stand to good reasoning that I’ve developed some thoughts on the topic of relationships.

By way of disclaimer, I’m not suggesting that I’ve managed to employ the following in anything more than theory. Sometimes you just have to do as I say, not as I do. I am, and for you Dear Readers I will remain, your constant source for a cautionary tale.

Okay. Here we go:

Mull this: shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate our little quirks, but actually likes them? You deserve to be with someone who understands your brand of happiness.

People who complicate your life rather than make it easier for you to breathe are not good for you, no matter how bangin’ the body or fantastic the hair. Simplify. Close the circle a bit. If your responsibilities within the relationship leave you overwrought by the struggle to hold it together alone, remind yourself that it will never, ever get any better or easier.

I read somewhere – maybe in a toilet stall – that there are people who take the heart out of you and there are people who put it back. There’s no sense crying yourself to sleep for nights on end. That will only guarantee a pissy morning of trying to get your eyelashes on, or a lousy ballgame after work. Take a deep breath and look around. Someone is waiting, and excited about you.

ALL relationships, whether with friends or lovers, ebb and wane. Rule of thumb: when caught in the riptide, don’t fight it. Swim parallel to the shore.

Try to remember that love doesn’t hurt. Disappointment, broken trust, lack of respect, a kick in the shins… these things hurt. These things are not love. Take solace in knowing that once you leave that kind of “love” behind, the pain goes away pretty quickly. While you wait you can reflect on the lesson you just learned.

Love does not take hostages. We tend to get wrapped up, tied down, and brainwashed into thinking that if it’s not working, we deserve the misery because we failed. Own your half and get the hell out. Waiting a week, a month, a year, is not going to change the outcome. It will only ensure you have to wait longer for someone who wants to be with you.

You cannot retrieve a missed opportunity. Stop worrying about looking like an ass and just say what you have to say.
“I love you whether you care or not.”
“I hate you and that should matter.”
“Helloooo, hot pants! What’s your sign!”
Don’t spend so much time in your head thinking about what you want to say. Just blurt it out. It may go great, it may go rot. Either way, you can say you were brave enough to do it. We all make mistakes… don’t make yours one of “what-might-have-been.” And don’t wait. Time is always of the essence.

For your own sake and the sensibilities of your friends, learn to say “no.” It’s the only real way to avoid bitterness and repeated bad reconciliations. It’s equally as important to remember that no means no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you feel, and offering one will have you halfway back to yes. Stand your ground! I would suggest doing so in the yard with a beverage.

Don’t be afraid to fail in a HUGE way! Huge risk makes success sweeter and failure funnier.

When someone doesn’t remember things you’ve said or requests you’ve made, know that it’s not because they have a poor memory. It’s because you don’t matter enough for them to bother paying attention. This is an irrefutable fact. Sorry.

Change. Change yourself, your circumstance, your hair color, whatever isn’t working. That said, do not make changes for someone else that are not a personal improvement. For example, it’s an easy thing to dash off your habit of leaving your crap strewn all over your abode if it bothers the people/person you live with. This is a personal change that has been scientifically proven to aid in clearer, more productive thought processing, thus, a positive personal change. There is no positive personal change in giving up your standards, morals, convictions, or money to someone else.

Learn when to let go. It’s a waste of time to wish for the impossible.