Another One for the Boys

From time to time, I dedicate a few words to the guys in the audience. My more dedicated readers might recall Foreplay: A Guide For Men, or my thoughts on online "relationships" in Weinergate. Well boys, here's another one composed espcially for you. Not all of you. Just the simple ones.

I don’t care how hot you are, I stop wanting to have sex with you the moment you say something stupid.
Or vapid.
Or – the worst yet – something you think I want to hear because I’m a woman.

When did conversation stop being interesting and start being slick? Conversation is foreplay, gentlemen! So, in my ongoing struggle for world betterment, fellas, write these down…

Don’t say things like, “Hey sexy!” It’s skeevy.

There is a time and place for, uh, “plain talk.” Try to remember that there are women who enjoy it, women who tolerate it, and women whose flesh crawls at the very thought of it. Know your audience.

Maybe it’s a generational thing, maybe it’s an social thing. Either way, poor grammar is a turn-off.

“Less is more” and “Keep them wanting” aren’t just old adages (that means sayings); they’re words to live by.

Contrary to popular belief, we don’t want to hear every thought that flies through your head – especially if we’re only tolerating you based on your physical appearance. (translation: puttin’ up wit u cause ur cute)

Do not – ever – think that sprinkling rose petals anywhere, but particularly on the bed, is romantic. It’s completely unoriginal, and adding insult to possible injury, the next morning it’s like waking up in a bowl of corn flakes.

Women like a man who works with his hands; a man who can fix, and do things. But dude, wash those filthy mitts before you come visiting. No one cares if you just finished work. There’s always time for appearances.

Women appreciate (that means “put out for”) a man who makes an effort to find out more about her. That does not mean hiding in the hedges like a perv. Google her if you must; or try just listening instead of working on your rebuttal while she talks.

You should know that we know when you’re merely trying to get laid.

*sigh*

In this new world of “reality” television, over-exposure to people’s personal business via social networking, and an almost non-existent sense of mores guiding civil behavior, could you at least try to be creative? And while you’re at it, gentlemanly? You know, old school. Chicks dig it. Which totally explains why we love men who wear fedoras.