Oh, the Holiday Shenanigans!

I’m probably a little late getting to this, but for those of you who have only just received or accepted your holiday party invitations, feel free to print this blog entry. You or someone close to you needs it.

This time of year there are tons of articles about “party etiquette” or being on your best behavior at an office party, as though we don’t already know all of this. Oh, how we know it. And yet, which of us hasn’t woken up the morning after the night before wearing mistletoe for undies, a lampshade nightcap, and a very real sense of dread.

I hope y’all have read enough from me to know by now that the last thing I’m doing is judging. I have no intention of joining the legions of other writers who will remind you not to over-indulge in front of your boss, to definitely hire a taxi, or whip out the tried-and-true adage, “minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” Though all of this is true, I’m going to assume you don’t need a reminder and head to a more practical, and let’s face it, more realistic place.

RSVP
It should go without saying that when an invitation is extended, you should, within a reasonable time, respond to your host. Bear in mind that this isn’t a meeting invitation at work; you can’t just RSVP “Accept” then not show up; nor can you “Decline” then magically appear on someone’s doorstep. Though you should always RSVP and stick to it, regardless of the time of year, at holiday time, this is particularly important. Most of these occasions are more formal. Your host/ess is doing a head count for food, booze, and maybe even place settings. Don’t be a jackass. Your singular attendance, or lack thereof, is not going to make or break the party, so don’t act like issuing your RSVP is anything more than it actually is: a yes or no.

You’ve heard of it: The Hostess Gift
Whether it’s the holidays, or a mid-summer barbeque, it is never, ever acceptable to show up at a party empty-handed. Never. Ever. Are we clear? Do not call, text, or email your hostess with “What can I bring?” She is only going to say, “Nothing at all! It’s your company we crave!” True as this may be, only maybe half of you were actually considering what to bring; the other half are trying to appear gracious but are secretly hoping to hear you’re off the hook. Now that that’s out in the open, let’s talk about what you should bring no matter what your hostess says.

Wine, beer, spirits: all good. Do make an effort to ensure it’s something your host enjoys, and that you’re not treating the gathering as a BYOB unless the invitation specifically stated it as such. It’s incredibly rude to show up with a bottle of your favorite scotch as “gift,” then proceed to drink it yourself.

Food: not always good. Backyard barbeques are an excellent time to bring your favorite dish and let’s face it, no matter what you bring, it will be appreciated and enjoyed. When it comes to holiday parties though, remember that your hostess has planned a menu that may or may not include the need for potato salad. Dessert is a better option if it’s food you must bring, but remember, you most likely will not see it on your dessert plate. Don’t be insulted! If you’ve brought cookies, or bunt cake, or fudge, you can rest assured that in the upcoming days, it will not go to waste… only waist.

Alternate Suggestion: a holiday ornament, small decorated greens, or perhaps a poinsettia. Of course, each of these has its own pitfall: the ornament may not be your host’s “style,” allergies to holiday greens are becoming more prevalent, and the poinsettia is poisonous to pets. The point is, think about where you’re going and who has invited you – then choose accordingly. FYI: Pinot Grigio. Just so you know…

Attire
Who doesn’t love an opportunity to get spiffed up a bit? Yeah… let’s talk about what that means. It’s simple for men: Suits for “cocktail” attire requests, trousers and a button down for everything else. No t-shirts, no sneakers, nothing with a hole no matter how “fashionable.”

Ladies, it’s almost easier for you. Keep your tits, ass, and who-ha tucked out of view. Done! The holidays are not an opportunity to run amok, displaying your obvious “assets” and lack of good breeding. It’s 100% possible to look sexy without dipping a nipple in the gravy boat as it passes.

Liquor consumption: the root of your humiliation.
We all know I enjoy my wine and vodka as much as the next gal, and I’m always happy for a reason to gather with my friends and a few bottles. Whether it’s in someone’s kitchen, or you’re out for a night on the town, People, you have got to learn to manage your intake.

In addition to my day job and this blog, I’m also a bartender. It’s all false eyelashes, big hair, and fishnet stockings so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you, I’ve literally seen it all. You are not funnier, more attractive or even slightly more interesting when you’re slurring your words or channeling your celebrity crush. Even less attractive (ladies!), the bump and grind cha-cha, or an impromptu table dance. “Hot” is not the adjective that comes to mind. In a time of instant technology, consider how many hours you want to unknowingly be tagged in a photo – drunken a showing your bits – for the whole world including your employer and your father, to see. Where is your dignity and self-respect?

Gentlemen: a note to you on drunk and disorderly. No. Just… no. This is a time of joy and glad tidings! All of the worst nights in every girl’s dating history include some drunken, overly “amorous” or belligerent man with a singular focus on fondle or fight. Fellas, dinner is not a claim stake. Your open bar office party is not unspoken permission to feel up your girl in public. Mind your manners this holiday season. You want to attract a girl? Try channeling Clark Gable or Sean Connery; not Yosemite Sam or Charlie Sheen.

I suppose that covers it. In a nutshell, look pretty and don’t act like an ass. Try on a shade of elegance. Like lipstick, and scotch, there really is one for everybody.