TNR: Trap, Neuter, Release

You know how “they” say that death comes in threes? Well, apparently bad relationships do, too – though maybe that’s redundant.

Historically, I go three bad, then one so good I panic and fuck it up…immediately returning to the first of three bad. It’s a vicious cycle really. One would think I’d be dizzy by now and maybe, oh I dunno, get off the ride!

Speaking of threes, I also have three friends currently embroiled in relationships that are speeding toward Dead Ends-ville and not one of them will look it in the eye. I’m not judging. I’ve been there.

I think what we need is a new approach to getting involved in relationships altogether. I’m just spitballin’ here, but how about this…

TNR: Trap – Neuter – Release.

The premise is that we could save others from inevitable misery by identifying those who will mess with your head, or fuck you over because they’re all fucked up. We could do our brethren a solid by making these people readily recognizable, preferably to the naked eye.

Trap
It sounds worse than it is. This is the act of entertaining a relationship with the object of your affection/lust. Assessment should begin post-haste so that the “cute” things (read: crazy or sociopathic behaviors) don’t get overlooked early. This is an important phase in the project as you’re coloring the impression of your partner for all those to come. I recommend going with your gut. It’s better equipped to deal with the truth than your heart or throbbing genitalia.

Note: Even if you’re not particularly interested in an actual relationship, you’re welcome to participate in this objective for sport. Think of it as a community service.

Neuter
We need some boundaries here. I’m neither advocating nor suggesting the maiming or removal of actual reproductive organs… that would be illegal no matter how attractive the idea or how much it would benefit the world's gene pool. When I say “neuter” I mean to permanently identify as less-than-desirable, thus limiting the opportunities for reproduction.

Okay. So you’ve discovered some horrible personality trait or habitual behavior during your Trap Assessment that should not be inflicted on others of your gender or sexual orientation. As I ponder the execution of this step, it occurs to me that there are certainly plenty of options – from a drunken trip to the tattoo studio for the secret ink, to tagging the ear with your pre-registered Trapper number. I probably need to sort that bit out before wide release of TNR v1.1. All suggestions are welcomed.

Release
In theory, this should be the easy part; however, let’s remember what we’re dealing with here. There’s always the possibility that some of us might have to change our phone number, quit our job, or move to another state and assume an alias – so there’s that to consider before participating in this much needed social experiment.

Since you don’t want to send your newly neutered prey over the edge, I suggest implementing the liquor-lubricated band-aid Release methodology so as to delay any possible repercussions when you deliver back into the wild. No explanation for this action is required. If you’d care to offer up one though, might I suggest “it’s not me, it’s you.”

Once the bugs are worked out, I’m pretty sure that widespread use of TNR could be the next great advancement in dating. Ultimately, a National Registry with open online viewing access would be a useful tool, complete with a BOLO page for those slippery ones that get away without the requisite tagging.

*smiles contently*

How great to know that someone else has already determined a level of undesirable behavior or crazy significant enough to deem warning-worthy to the rest of the world. Of course, it’s subjective… I mean, one man’s crazy is another man’s delightfully kinky.

The Meaning of Life According to M. Thurzo

*stares at blinking cursor on blank page*
*sighs*

People send me video clips. I don’t know why really, they just do. So while I’m very busy self-censoring, I thought I’d share this one… mostly because it was on top. It’s not that I don’t think you, Dear Reader, are worth rooting around for something hysterical – you totally are. But I’m feeling introspective since I’ve had to duct tape my mouth shut. I’m hoping during this period of forced silence I’ll get blind-sided by a ton of ridiculous thoughts I have to share. Until then, mull.

Many thanks to Martin Thurzo

Heart This!

Ahh, Valentine's Day.

Cupids, flowers, singing telegrams, dinner reservations, last minute gifts, and sex. If ever a holiday were invented solely to make people feel bad about their relationship status, this is it.

From my single friends' perspective, I'm a traitor and a rat. For one day I am no longer "one of them." Men and women alike get that resentful glare/smile that makes me feel worse than the hours leading up to midnight on New Year's Eve. If you're single and don't want to be, perhaps you should assess your "bar." Or, find a new bar...

As for the "marrieds" - it's a ridiculous competition of who go what "little gift" from the Husband. They flit about showing off new diamonds or other precious gems and gushing about whatever else "the most wonderful man in the world" did.

*eyeroll*
Me thinks thou overstates...

Last year Mr. Man skipped this particular celebration. He claimed that he never believed in the Hallmark holidays. WHAT? Since when? This declaration forced me to my brassiere drawer where I'd stashed 7 years worth of Valentine's Day cards.

Factoid: approximately 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are exchanged annually worldwide. You'd think I coulda gotten at least one.

I'm still not sure why I got all riled up about it unless it was because once again the gold crown of Hallmark made sure that no matter how little regard I gave the date, I inevitably set myself up for disappointment. Admittedly, not as disappointed as the significant others of the victims of the St. Valentine's Day massacre, but frankly I blame prohibition for that mess. They shoulda seen it coming.

Yo y Mi Circunstancia (Me and My Circumstance)

A dear friend of mine shared this maxim recently and it really stuck. Here’s the gist, no one – and I mean no one – can actually understand your situation when you’re making the hard decisions. It’s you and your circumstances; not them and theirs.

I really hate the phrase “trust me” when someone is offering up their opinion or advice. Perhaps in their situation, the decision they made was right for them. But that does not automatically mean, should you find yourself in similar circumstances, that their course of action – or inaction – is right or appropriate for yours. You’re a completely different person with a completely different dynamic and energy.

Butt out.
It’s really none of your business.
You don’t exist in the circumstance.

Life Truths: A Guide to 2011

It's that time again... the time when I like to remind my readers that there are some things unavoidable; things which need to be addressed, managed and otherwise dealt with... or not.

It occurs to me that as we head into the new year full of our latest resolutions (aka personal promises which set us up for failure), it would be a good idea to re-arm with a few basic Life Truths on decorum and ownership. This, of course, is in effort not to repeat some of the more unsavory and sometimes tawdry moments witnessed last year.

1. You are where you are because that, my friend, is where you put yourself. Do not blame your Higher Power, The Universe, or the people around you for your ill-conceived decisions.
2. The Universe is trying to move you in the direction of your life path. Quit acting like you know everything. You don't. So how about you just go ahead and get out of your own way?
3. Life is a "Bring Your Own Water Wings" affair so stop annoying the rest of us with your bitching about how you've been done oh-so-wrong and paddle already.
4. Just because you want it does not mean it's yours to have.
5. You always have a choice. Take the route that will make your grandmother proud.
6. Yes. You're fat. I think I am, too. Now can we please stop having that conversation? Get off your ass and do something about it.
7. Your true friends will say the things you don't want to hear because they love you... and because they have faith that you already know the truth.
8. Beware false allies and those who try too hard. Therein you will one day discover ulterior motive.
9. When saying no - to anyone for any reason - it absolutely is not necessary to offer an explanation.
10. From Image Consultant and old friend, Beth Newman: "Do not participate in 'big, bad, bold behavior.'" It's unseemly and frankly, déclassé. http://www.newmanimage.info/
11. Do not shampoo your hair every day - no matter what.
12. Stop fighting The Universe and you'll stop making stupid mistakes.
13. One minute of your time - especially when you don't "have" it - is worth hours to someone who needs it.
14. Pay attention. This will solve almost all of your "problems."
15. Take heed: a drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
16. People are going to talk. Your choice is whether or not to give them something to talk about!
17. We all humiliate ourselves. Get over it. These are the stories of our life's winter.
18. If you think any part of this (or my blog in general) is directed at you, it probably is... I just don't know it. Examine why you do.
19. Do not lie. To me or yourself.
20. Your behavior in all situations is 100% on you. Own it or change it. These are the only options.
21. Ladies: If a man wants to be with you, he will always find a way to make that happen. I suppose the same can be said conversely.
22. Choosing not to engage means forfeiting your right to defend yourself against what others say. Know that, ultimately, this is still the best course of action.

That's it. An updated version of my annual reminder - in no particular order! Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere else to be.

I Believe

I wrote a letter to Santa.
I've wrapped boxes full of things I adore for people I love.
I've hung my wreathes.
I've decorated my puppies.
I've watched more than 20 specials on the TV.

I believe in the twinkle lights and glitter and the really good "cheer" and my tremendous stash of friends and the ribbons and bows and Lifetime Made for Television holiday fare and all the rest of the magic that goes with this time of year!

What I don't believe in is buying gifts for people I barely know or hardly see, being forced to participate in festive gatherings out of obligation, spending a fortune on presents for children, using the season as an excuse for gluttony, trying to "make a point," and insincere expressions of merriment.

I really thought I had something more in me on this, but I just don't. Maybe we should just consider this a reminder that you will receive in return that which you gave. I believe!

None for Me, Thank You Very Much!

Christmas can be an awkward time for those of us who intentionally hold no religious affiliation. It’s fraught with the declining of invitations to attend pageants and services and yet another, “come with us to see our neighbor’s nativity scene!" This rant is dedicated to those of you who extend these invitations/commands year after year as though something is going to dramatically change and we'll suddenly decide that everything we hold dear is of no consequence and come running whatnot... enthusiastically.

First, I would like to offer some advice on how to gracefully accept “no” as an answer.

1. Do not ask “why not?” It’s in poor form.
2. Do not plead or bribe. The answer will now be an agitated “no!”
3. Appreciate that your non-religious, non-conformist friend(s) will find a way to avoid you at the holidays going forward if you don’t respect their holiday traditions - or lack thereof.

[Sidebar: When you say no – to anyone for any reason – it is absolutely NOT necessary to offer up an explanation. When faced with an invitation that makes you want to run screaming to the back of your closet with a bottle of vodka rather than accept, your options are few: lie (always a bad idea); be truthful and risk hurting someone’s feelings; or silence. I recommend the third.]

I think we'd all like you to spend a little time mulling over why you’re so dead-set on getting us to your little shindigs in the first place. Is it really worth how annoyed I'd be just so you can add one more person to the audience when your 7-year-old son performs his ear-piercing violin rendition of Silent Night, or your grossly overweight daughter appears as a manger animal?

We of the non-religious persuasion are not curmudgeons. Quite the opposite, actually. I think we’re often more filled with the spirit of the season than many of our “religious” friends. And it’s not just the spirit we call booze! We don't feel the need to bust out a religious holiday in order to have an excuse for doing what people should do all the time anyway. We don’t need the guilt or fear of organized religion to make us "do unto others as we would have done unto us.” We heed the Golden Rule on principle, and we're mindful of  the power of "karmageddeon!"

Now, before you make me wear a new kind of letter on my pinafore, put an armband on my sleeve, or send over the bible-thumpers to save my poor soul from eternal damnation, let me type out loud that I’m not an atheist. Technically, I’m not agnostic either. By definition, an atheist, in the broadest sense of the term, is one who does not believe in any God or deity. Operative word: any.

To say one is agnostic, by definition, is to believe that the truth of a deity or other metaphysical power is unknowable. We could get into the semantics of this, but really. Why?

I consider myself simply a non-religious person. I do believe in the power of The Universe; I do not believe in any one God. I go with what I know and in this I have tremendous faith. For instance:

I have faith that I will, in fact, eat all of the orange cinnamon rolls if left alone with them.
I have faith that at least two people at some holiday gathering will irritate me to the point of having to keep a glass of “spirit” to my lips for hours on end in a gallant effort not to tell them to shut the hell up!
I have faith in inherent good.
I have faith that The Universe will never stop surprising me.
I have faith that as long as we continue to rise above the mire, we will continue not to get dirty… and I’m not a fan of dirt.

Now I'm wondering if I need to point out that Faith and Belief are two very different things. Belief is based in circumstances concreted into our own personal facts. For instance:

I believe that one must be cautious after dark.
I believe that four martinis will make just about anyone wear a lampshade.
I believe that no matter what, I cannot change – by choice or desire – the ultimate outcome of anything.
I believe that those without faith in their friendships are destined to chase something they’ll never catch.
I believe in my hairstylist’s innate sense of confidentiality.
I know you can’t change what other people want or need to believe.

I take great comfort in knowing that I will never be confused with a Christmas Catholic or Hanukkah Jew. I know what I know and that’s enough, thank you very much. Happy celebrations of whatever, Dear Readers!