You, You, You, and Who?

All this talk of gun regulation, legalizing marijuana, drug testing for welfare, and whatever other issue whereby someone is wearing a placard about their rights – civil or otherwise – is exhausting. Frankly, I think we should be concerning ourselves with a bigger problem: Reality television.

This ridiculous phenomenon has given one entire generation a hugely inflated sense of self-entitlement, while making another so narcissistic that they’re incapable of the tiniest act of kindness without publicly announcing it in an effort to gain congratulations and, I assume, a glimpse of their 15 minutes of fame.

Which leads me to...

Speaking of vain, can someone please tell me what this whole "birthday MONTH" is about? As I understand it, there are grown adults who've decided that instead of one day of cake and candles, they're deserving of a month's worth. I was super puzzled by this, until one of the voices in my head posed this question:

"I wonder if this was the actual precursor to people using their birthday as a way to garner both self-indulgent admiration and gifts?"

Two true stories:
I know this girl who publicly announced that for her birthday she’s going to roam around town performing random acts of kindness, then document them all on FaceBook.

*blink*
*blink*

Because... she wants us to know how awesome she is?

Then there's the self-pronounced “I have so much money that you can't buy me anything, so you should totally admire my grand idea” birthday girl who asked for cash gifts so that she can give it to a person of her choosing "who has sooooooooo much less me.” Here's a thought. How about you use some of that money to learn how to hear yourself the way everyone else does, then quietly go about the business of helping others?

In a weirdly serendipitous coincidence, the past two weeks or so I’ve had probably a half-dozen people say to me, “I didn’t know that about you.” Yeah... that's because unless you ask, I'm not going to talk about myself, or pat myself on the back. I grew up believing that's incredibly poor form, and like talking about money – it just isn’t done.

Having said that, listen up, People!

I’m not poor - monetarily speaking, anyway. I make a significantly-well-above-average salary, and though most of it goes out as quickly as it comes in to support my stupid and apparently neverending house renovation, I still manage to regularly scrape together a little something to send to organizations who give a voice to those without one.

You want to "be someone?" Adopt an animal. You can't help but to become the person your pet believes you are.


(pictured: Fredo Guiseppe)






The following is a short list of animal-related orgs whose administrative overhead is low and whose need for donations (cash or otherwise) is always high:

Your local SPCA (Google it!)
Your local no-kill shelters
www.theanimalrescuesite.com/
www.hendrickboards.com
http://www.chenoamanor.org/

Feel free to leave your favorite in the Comments below.

I'll Take That One!

Do you ever look at your life and think, “hey, HEY! Who’s the wise guy? I did not sign-up for this!”?

Yeah. Me too.

I’m not trying to blame anyone here, but some of it did happen to me, not because of me… apparently while I was ordering another martini. That aside, even though I see my hand in a lot of it, I know I was never so over-indulgent in the vodka that I said, “gee, that’s totally fucked-up and nothing at all like what I want. So yeah, I'll take that one!”

Ya'll know I'm a huge believer in The Universe putting you exactly where you're supposed to be - sometimes for you, sometimes for someone else. But my gawd, I cannot possibly imagine what else I have to learn or teach in this hellhole of apparently permanent stasis.

Still though... as much as I want something to shake loose, change is hard. It's hard to start, it's hard to own, it's just generally hard. So I get why people - myself included - can talk about it but don't necessarily jump at the chance to make it happen. I think it's a shortcoming of over-thinking.

I once moved 1,800 miles in less than a day after having woken up one morning and deciding to do it. No job. Nowhere to live. Just some luggage and a destination. I'll admit it was a hair impulsive - and  perhaps not my brightest stroke of genius. But at least I didn't over think it.

[sidebar: I do not recommend this course of action to those for whom impulsiveness is still in the experimentation stages. This is Advanced Impulsiveness and should not be attempted without completing the following pre-requisites: Ruin Your Life in a Single Bottle, Disgrace by Drugs (an unpaid internship), Intermediate Impulsiveness, and Advanced Cleaning Up Your Own Mess.]

That was then...

Now, I think.
And I make a list.
After that come the impossibly reasonable and seemingly endless notes about why I can't just shift gears pre-mid-life-ish. I wish there was a market where I could choose a new direction the same way I choose my fruits (both tree-grown and human). Check my list. Browse the seasonals. Give this one a squeeze and that one a sniff. Root around in the bins a bit for that overlooked gem, or maybe just point and say, "I'll take that one!"

SHAZAM!

Life Truths - 2013

Apologies for the delay. Clearly scheduling the blog to auto-post no longer works.

Here we are.
The beginning of another year - triggering my annual Life Truths: an updated list of harsh realities that we should all remember as we strive toward, well, whatever you're striving toward. This year though, I thought I'd first present three things for additional consideration... you know, for when you're standing outside alone, pondering the Universe over a bottle of wine.

• How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
• What inspires you?
• What stops your inspiration dead in its tracks? Or is it a who?

I expect I'll have something to say about all of these over the course of the next year, but until then...

The List

1. You are where you are because that, my friend, is where you put yourself. Do not blame your Higher Power, The Universe, or the people around you for your ill-conceived decisions.
2. Yes. You're fat. Does that make you feel better? Get off your ass and do something about it.
3. The Universe is trying to move you in the direction of your life path. Quit acting like you know everything. You don't. So how about you just go ahead and get out of your own way?
4. Life is a "Bring Your Own Water Wings" affair so stop annoying the rest of us with your bitching about how you've been done oh-so-wrong, and paddle already.
5. Just because you want it does not mean it's yours to have.
6. The things you do not say, speak as loudly as those you do.
7. At the end of the day, you and you alone must live with your own inaction.
8. You always have a choice. Take the route that will make your grandmother proud.
9. Your true friends will say the things you don't want to hear because they love you... and because they have faith that you already know the truth, not because they're threatened by you.
10. Beware false allies and those who try too hard. Therein you will one day discover ulterior motive.
11. When saying no - to anyone for any reason - it absolutely is not necessary to offer an explanation.
12. From Image Consultant and friend, Beth Newman: "Do not participate in 'big, bad, bold behavior.'" It's unseemly and frankly, déclassé. http://www.newmanimage.info/
13. Do not shampoo your hair every day - no matter what.
14. Stop fighting The Universe and you'll stop making stupid mistakes.
15. One minute of your time - especially when you don't "have" it - is worth hours to someone who needs it.
16. Pay attention. This will solve almost all of your "problems."
17. Take heed: a drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
18. People are going to talk. Your choice is in what you give them to talk about!
19. We all humiliate ourselves. Get over it. These are the stories that make you less dull.
20. If you think any part of this (or my blog in general) is directed at you, it probably is... I just don't know it. Examine why you do.
21. Do not lie. To me or yourself.
22. Your behavior in all situations is 100% on you. Own it or change it. These are the only options.
23. Ladies: If a man wants to be with you, he will always find a way to make that happen. I suppose the same can be said conversely.
24. Choosing not to engage means forfeiting your right to defend yourself against what others say. Know that, ultimately, this is still the best course of action - especially when you factor in karma, comeuppance, and the opportunity to secretly point and laugh later!
25. Never put anything in writing that cannot be aired publicly.
26. People will take advantage of you until you make them stop. The tricky bit is in the approach, and I can't help you with that.

So that's it. An updated version of my annual reminder - in no particular order. Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere else to be.

Tis the Season... to Mind Yourself!

I've had additional thoughts - and I'm too lazy to start from scratch so here's a reminder from last year. Feel free to print this blog entry. You or someone close to you needs it.

This time of year there are tons of articles about “etiquette” or being on your best behavior at an office party. And yet, which of us hasn’t woken up the morning after the night before wearing mistletoe for undies, a lampshade nightcap, and a very real sense of dread?

I'm really not judging you...yet. I have no intention of joining the legions of other writers who will remind you not to over-indulge in front of your boss, to definitely hire a taxi, nor will I whip out the tried-and-true adage, “minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” Though all of this is true, I’m going to assume you don’t need a reminder and head to a more practical, more realistic place.

RSVP
It should go without saying that when an invitation is extended, you will, within a reasonable time, respond to your host. Bear in mind that this isn’t a meeting invitation at work; you can’t just RSVP “Accept” then not show up; nor can you “Decline” then magically appear on someone’s doorstep. Though you should always RSVP and stick to it regardless of the time of year, at holiday time, this is particularly important. Most of these occasions are more formal. Your host/ess is doing a head count for food, booze, and maybe even place settings.

Don’t be a jackass. Your singular attendance, or lack thereof, is not going to make or break the party, so don’t act like issuing your RSVP is anything more than it actually is: a yes or a no.

Attire
Who doesn’t love an opportunity to get spiffed up a bit? Yeah… let’s talk about what that means.

It’s simple for men.
If the invitation says "cocktail" anywhere on it, wear a suit. Otherwise, you may assume this is a casual gathering and trousers and a button down will do.

No t-shirts, no sneakers, nothing with a hole no matter how “fashionable.”

Ladies, it’s almost easier for you.
Keep your tits, ass, and who-ha tucked out of view. Done! The holidays are not an opportunity to advertise your “assets” and lack of good breeding. It’s 100% possible to look sexy without dipping a nipple in the gravy boat as it passes.

You’ve heard of it: The Hostess Gift
And it's not a snack cake.
Whether it’s the holidays, or a mid-summer barbeque, it is never, ever acceptable to show up at a party empty-handed.

Never.
Ever.
Are we clear?

Do not call, text, or email your hostess with “What can I bring?” She is only going to say, “Nothing at all!" True as this may be, only half of you were actually considering bringing anything anyway; the other half were trying to appear gracious but secretly hoping to hear you’re off the hook. *glares knowingly*

Wine, beer, spirits:
All good unless your host is a Southern Baptist.
Do make an effort to ensure it’s something your host enjoys, and that you’re not treating the gathering as a BYOB unless the invitation specifically stated it as such. It’s incredibly rude to show up with a bottle of your favorite scotch as “gift,” then proceed to drink it yourself. FYI: Pinot Grigio. Just so you know…

Food: Unless it's a pot-luck, or your hostess specifically asked if you wouldn't mind bringing your special dish, just don't do it.

Liquor consumption: the root of your humiliation.
We all know I enjoy my wine and vodka as much as the next gal, and I’m always happy for a reason to gather with my friends and a few bottles. But People, you have got to learn to manage your consumption like a grown-up.

In addition to my day job and this blog, I’m also a bartender. It’s all false eyelashes, big hair, and fishnet stockings so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you, you are not funnier, more attractive or even slightly more interesting when you’re slurring your words or channeling your celebrity crush. You're even less attractive when performing a bump and grind cha-cha, or an impromptu table dance.

In a time of instant technology, consider how many hours you want to unknowingly be tagged in a photo – drunken and showing your bits – for the whole world including your employer and your father, to see. Where is your dignity? Where is your self-respect?

Gentlemen: a note to you on drunk and disorderly.
No. Just… no.
This is a time of joy and glad tidings! Every girl’s dating history includes some drunken, overly “amorous” or belligerent man with a singular focus on fondle or fight. Guys, dinner is not a claim stake. Your open bar office party is not unspoken permission to feel up your girl in public. Mind your manners this holiday season. You want to attract a girl? Try channeling Clark Gable or Sean Connery; not Yosemite Sam or Charlie Sheen.

Open Bar
And while we're on the subject of liquor, let's do talk about the open bar. Whether you've paid a set rate for an open bar package, you're a guest at a wedding, or attending a soiree in someone's home, IF THERE IS A BARTENDER, YOU WILL TIP!!! NO. MATTER. WHAT.

Got it???

You want another drink? Best of luck if you just turned your back after ordering four cocktails. Bartenders remember your face based on the face of the bills you handed over. Did you think I was a bitch because I didn't hop to it when you reappeared? Too bad. You're cheap, so I don't like you.

I suppose that covers it. In a nutshell, look pretty and don’t act like an ass. Try on a shade of elegance. Like lipstick and scotch, there really is one for everybody.

The Annual Black Friday Post

I don’t care what time of year it is, when I’m paying $7.50 for a cup of coffee, I want what I want, and I want it however I ask for it. Do not raise your eyebrows at me little Miss Barista, when I politely tell you that I would like a venti, non-fat, no foam, almond, gingerbread latte, with two extra shots. This is America and I’m perversely self-entitled. It’s my prerogative. Much like my un-American boycott of Black Friday.

Clarification: Said boycott actually has less to do with the long reaching, economic predictor holiday arm than it does with an early life discovery that the bars are open and the bartenders are bored. Holiday spending and gift-giving probably does induce pre- and post-seasonal depression. I say it’s kinder to keep that to yourself. It’s a different kind of holiday giving.

I think the whole Black Friday tradition of beating the hell out of people for 24 to 72 hours in an effort to procure bargains completely defies logic. What sane individual willingly leaves their home in a state of post-Thanksgiving lethargy, to get into a moving vehicle, negotiate traffic, circle endlessly in search of up front parking (because we don’t want to burn off any excess calories by parking any distance from the destination), elbow other mannerless shoppers out of the way, and wait on endless lines all for the possibility of saving a few dollars, only to return home exhausted and further financially burdened?

NEWSFLASH PEOPLE: These same deals are available online and I haven’t paid for shipping in years. There’s a code for that…

I learned a long time ago that the whole of holiday shopping is something best done in the seclusion of my home office with a strong toddy. It’s been and will remain a perfect arrangement and my own personal holiday tradition.

If it’s the “spirit of the season” that forces you out of the house, I have an idea. Remember that bartender? Take your fancy phone with its fancy applications and park yourself on a stool in front of him… or her. Now you not only have the comfort of a chair and a cocktail, you also have a shopping mate. Believe me when I say, some of my best and most unusual gift ideas have come from bartenders. Not only do they know stuff, they know people. They’re a wealth of information, from who hates what newest electronic gadget and why; to all the reasons you might reconsider purchasing that diamond solitaire based on last weekend’s shenanigans.

Disclaimer: If you have reason to believe that I know you were planning that diamond purchase and are now wondering what I know that you don’t – it's purely coincidental. I don’t know anything about anyone. Move along, People. There’s no show here.

OK. That’s all I have on this. Drink and shop responsibly.

Random Thoughts IV

I haven’t done one of these in awhile so the timing seems right since I can’t think of anything else.

Here’s how it works… I sit here and stare at the blinking cursor for a bit.
I panic.
I pace.
I refill my coffee.
I change my shoes.
I change the music.
I repeat.

Eventually, a club soda bubble pops, the vodka escapes, and I’m off on a tangent of completely unrelated thoughts.

So. Let the cursor staring commence…
*cue elevator music*

Regarding My Day Job
I have to swipe my security badge five times to get to my desk. Five. Is that really necessary? We’re not curing cancer up in this piece.
That’s all I have on that…

Regarding My Night Job
*blink*
*reconsiders original thought*
And that’s all I have on that!

On Hot, Yet Stupid Men
So pretty… but really, what’s the point? While I’m on about that, shall we pause for a moment over “men” trying to be “boys?” It’s embarrassing.

Where AM I?
I was taking a fill-up at what is arguably the slowest gas pump in the Universe in what is without question one of the worst neighborhoods ever, when I looked up and saw a road sign across the street. Baltimore Left Lane; Philadelphia Right Lane. It struck me then; I really am in the middle of nowhere. Please send lipstick.

Here’s your dictionary…
Facebook is killing me.
You are judged by how you speak and how you write. I didn’t make this rule up. That’s just how it is. So if you feel compelled to be snarky, at least have the wherewithal to be grammatically correct about it. Then, and only then, is it funny and not just embarrassing for you. Along that same line, if you’re going to use foreign language words or colloquialisms, how about you Google what they mean first. That way when you respond to a comment – purely for example – using the word touché, you don’t confirm stupidity by using it so incredibly wrong, wrong, wrong. On the upside, the rest of us do appreciate the laugh, so there’s that.

Holidays and Exercise
Yes we should. No, we don’t. Please stop telling everyone you are when you so obviously are not.

Annual Evaluations
I’m hard at “work” on this ridiculous annual self-evaluation that campaigns as a “significant part of the determination regarding your bonus,” but in truth, is just pages and pages of bullshit someone wants to put in our “permanent file” since bonuses were determined months ago. Knowing this, and at the prompting of a manger-who-is-not-mine, my first attempt consisted of writing “I AM AWESOME” in every field. It was rejected. Clearly my manager didn’t see how well-rounded that submission was. So now I’m forced to shamelessly spell it out. *eyeroll* Self-promotion is not my thing… clearly.

Apparently there’s some weird expectation that am willing to use my powers for good today, so that’s all the randomness, kids. Hope you enjoyed the show. Go ride the rides.

All Saint's Eve

I only just realized that the entire month went by without a word from me.

I'd like to say it was because I'm knee deep in the book... and I suppose I could since that doesn't necessarily mean I'm working on it. But that's not the reason. I actually have no reason other than I've been boring myself senseless and I see no point in sharing the misery.

A couple of random thoughts...

I spent three hours yesterday cleaning my office after which I looked around and could see no appreciable difference. So I stopped and chalked it up to another misguided, childish endeavor.

I drank a large bottle of rosé wine on Sunday. Yes. I'm ashamed. Not because I enjoyed the whole thing. There's no shame in that. But because in my heart-of-hearts I know that the people who drink rosés, are the same people who drink zinfandels. But the bottle was beautiful.

Just because they make skinny jeans in your size, does not mean you will look presentable in them. Even I don't wear them, and I'm a small girl. Let's all give Old Navy a big round of applause for ensuring that those who shouldn't, do.

Is it just me, or does it seem like there are a lot of young women in their 20s getting pregnant without the benefit of a husband? This isn't new, and I'm not judging - not even a little bit. It's just an observation. The number has clearly grown over the past couple of years. I 'd be interested in the "why" of this. It's obvious that the rise in teenage pregnancy is directly influenced by the romanticism imparted by television. But what's up with these beginning-of-your-professional-career pregnancies? Maybe I'll go check some stats on this...

I think the point right-to-lifers are missing is that a woman's Right to Choose extends well beyond termination. What's next? Will we all be forced to wear our hair in a bob because it's too dangerous to perform our household duties otherwise? After all, we could be killed by the garbage disposal, so in passing that piece of legislation, they'd be saving a life! I wish the men on that side would think a bit harder about what they're supporting. It's not unreasonable to think some obviously right-winged Catholic group could declare that masturbation is abortion. That a million possible children were just expelled into a Kleenex tissue? I know, I know... there's no fetus and blah, blah, blah. It's the point, People! How about DUIs? Do we take away the liquor (again!) or do we take away the vehicles? See where we're headed...?

*pops off soapbox*

And lastly... a pre-holiday season reminder.

Ann Landers agrees it is incredibly déclassé to send out a family "Year in Review" letter with your holiday cards. It's self-congratulatory and ego-driven. So what if little Suzie had a solo in her oboe recital, Timmy got a blue ribbon at the science fair, or Mommy ran her first half-marathon and clinched her age group. I don't care. Really. I don't. Oh, you need to share stories around your charitable works, and expound on your volunteerism? Hey, I think it's great that you have all of that free time. But let's keep it in perspective. At the end of the day, you write these letters so other people will admire you. That's embarrassing...