Life Truths: Updated for 2012

It's that time again... the time when I like to remind my readers that certain whatnots and situations should be addressed, managed and otherwise dealt with so that I don't have to step in and talk ugly about them... possibly using names... with photos.

It occurs to me that as we head into the new year full of our latest resolutions (aka personal promises which set us up for failure), it would be a good idea to re-arm with a few basic Life Truths on decorum and ownership. This, of course, is in effort not to witness some of the more unsavory and sometimes tawdry moments of last year. It was truly appalling...
 
The List

1. You are where you are because that, my friend, is where you put yourself. Do not blame your Higher Power, The Universe, or the people around you for your ill-conceived decisions.
2. Yes. You're fat. Does that make you feel better? Get off your ass and do something about it. Now, can we please stop having that conversation?
3. The Universe is trying to move you in the direction of your life path. Quit acting like you know everything. You don't. So how about you just go ahead and get out of your own way?
4. Life is a "Bring Your Own Water Wings" affair so stop annoying the rest of us with your bitching about how you've been done oh-so-wrong and paddle already.
5. Just because you want it does not mean it's yours to have.
6. You always have a choice. Take the route that will make your grandmother proud.
7. Your true friends will say the things you don't want to hear because they love you... and because they have faith that you already know the truth.
8. Beware false allies and those who try too hard. Therein you will one day discover ulterior motive.
9. When saying no - to anyone for any reason - it absolutely is not necessary to offer an explanation.
10. From Image Consultant and friend, Beth Newman: "Do not participate in 'big, bad, bold behavior.'" It's unseemly and frankly, déclassé. http://www.newmanimage.info/
11. Do not shampoo your hair every day - no matter what.
12. Stop fighting The Universe and you'll stop making stupid mistakes.
13. One minute of your time - especially when you don't "have" it - is worth hours to someone who needs it.
14. Pay attention. This will solve almost all of your "problems."
15. Take heed: a drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
16. People are going to talk. Your choice is in what you give them to talk about!
17. We all humiliate ourselves. Get over it. These are the stories of our life's winter.
18. If you think any part of this (or my blog in general) is directed at you, it probably is... I just don't know it. Examine why you do.
19. Do not lie. To me or yourself.
20. Your behavior in all situations is 100% on you. Own it or change it. These are the only options.
21. Ladies: If a man wants to be with you, he will always find a way to make that happen. I suppose the same can be said conversely.
22. Choosing not to engage means forfeiting your right to defend yourself against what others say. Know that, ultimately, this is still the best course of action - especially when you factor in karma, comeuppance, and the opportunity to secretly point and laugh later!
23. Never put anything in writing that cannot be aired publicly.
24. People will take advantage of you until you make them stop. The tricky bit is in the approach, and I can't help you with that.

So that's it. An updated version of my annual reminder - in no particular order. Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere else to be.

Wave Good-bye

As we begin to look toward the end of another year, reflecting on our successes (I strung a few words into sentences and posted them), and our failures (I barely strung any words into sentences to post), I don’t feel even the least bit nostalgic.

*checks heart for warm spot*

Nope. Nothing. It’s not that the year was unpleasant. There was some much needed weeding out that took place which left my life an infinitely less negative place – so that was a high point. I had lovely evenings (and by “lovely evenings” I mean hilariously, debaucherous nights) with friends. I managed not to jump out of a perfectly good plane. The bills miraculously got paid every month and though I might be tempting fate, I don’t recall being in the emergency room a single time all year. Overall, I’d say it was a successful, albeit meh, year.

*shrug*

As I’ve said here probably every year, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I feel like you’re just setting yourself up for failure. Sort of in the same way I tell myself every Sunday night when I climb into the bed, that starting tomorrow, I’m definitely getting up an hour earlier than the pre-dawn hour I already see so that I can get in a workout. I can say it, but hey, if nobody hears, then nobody knows!

My advice: skip the resolution. You’ll only be beating yourself up in a couple of weeks and that’s no way to start a new year.

So here’s to the end of 2011. Nothing interesting enough to revisit, so I'm sliding out. That said, I may come up with one more thing to talk about… then again, I may not. Don’t forget to read my annually revised repost of Life Lessons come New Year’s Day. Of course, if you can’t wait, here’s the one: Life Truths - 2011

Cheers!

Loyalty... what a joke.

During my mental rerun of this past weekend, including one perfectly executed “epic fail,” I realized that there is very little left in this world that resembles loyalty. I watched "friends" sell each other out just for the chance to present the latest juicy gossip; significant others abandon honor for the sake of a photo op designed to shame one and leave the rest with a laugh; and finally, employers just screw the people who stood by them for ridiculous amounts of time for….what? Those people made sacrifices and now they’re being sacrificed. Selfish, self-involved, self-serving megalomaniacs: it isn’t “just business.” It’s their own failed economics. So let’s just make sure everyone suffers.

*glare*
I’m disgusted by people today.

Color me old-fashioned – or maybe just old – but I remember a time when your word was a direct reflection on your honor. Now everything, everything, is about ego. Say whatever you need to say to get what you want and to hell with whoever it hurts.

“Me! Me! Me!” Is there a rhythm for that because it’s apparently the anthem of everyone around me.

Take! Take! Take! And when there’s nothing left, at least nothing left you want, leave.

What about standing by people?
What about lending a hand instead of looking for a hand-out?
What about helping when you see someone you know struggling?

Oh wait…

My apologies. Those things fall under the heading of loyalty, and apparently we don’t do that anymore because it requires honoring commitments, regardless of the circumstance or inconvenience. It would mean honoring your word, and that could result in you not getting what you want every single fucking time. That would require that you care about someone other than yourself.

I swear I’m going to snap soon. No part of that is going to be pretty...

Oh, the Holiday Shenanigans!

I’m probably a little late getting to this, but for those of you who have only just received or accepted your holiday party invitations, feel free to print this blog entry. You or someone close to you needs it.

This time of year there are tons of articles about “party etiquette” or being on your best behavior at an office party, as though we don’t already know all of this. Oh, how we know it. And yet, which of us hasn’t woken up the morning after the night before wearing mistletoe for undies, a lampshade nightcap, and a very real sense of dread.

I hope y’all have read enough from me to know by now that the last thing I’m doing is judging. I have no intention of joining the legions of other writers who will remind you not to over-indulge in front of your boss, to definitely hire a taxi, or whip out the tried-and-true adage, “minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” Though all of this is true, I’m going to assume you don’t need a reminder and head to a more practical, and let’s face it, more realistic place.

RSVP
It should go without saying that when an invitation is extended, you should, within a reasonable time, respond to your host. Bear in mind that this isn’t a meeting invitation at work; you can’t just RSVP “Accept” then not show up; nor can you “Decline” then magically appear on someone’s doorstep. Though you should always RSVP and stick to it, regardless of the time of year, at holiday time, this is particularly important. Most of these occasions are more formal. Your host/ess is doing a head count for food, booze, and maybe even place settings. Don’t be a jackass. Your singular attendance, or lack thereof, is not going to make or break the party, so don’t act like issuing your RSVP is anything more than it actually is: a yes or no.

You’ve heard of it: The Hostess Gift
Whether it’s the holidays, or a mid-summer barbeque, it is never, ever acceptable to show up at a party empty-handed. Never. Ever. Are we clear? Do not call, text, or email your hostess with “What can I bring?” She is only going to say, “Nothing at all! It’s your company we crave!” True as this may be, only maybe half of you were actually considering what to bring; the other half are trying to appear gracious but are secretly hoping to hear you’re off the hook. Now that that’s out in the open, let’s talk about what you should bring no matter what your hostess says.

Wine, beer, spirits: all good. Do make an effort to ensure it’s something your host enjoys, and that you’re not treating the gathering as a BYOB unless the invitation specifically stated it as such. It’s incredibly rude to show up with a bottle of your favorite scotch as “gift,” then proceed to drink it yourself.

Food: not always good. Backyard barbeques are an excellent time to bring your favorite dish and let’s face it, no matter what you bring, it will be appreciated and enjoyed. When it comes to holiday parties though, remember that your hostess has planned a menu that may or may not include the need for potato salad. Dessert is a better option if it’s food you must bring, but remember, you most likely will not see it on your dessert plate. Don’t be insulted! If you’ve brought cookies, or bunt cake, or fudge, you can rest assured that in the upcoming days, it will not go to waste… only waist.

Alternate Suggestion: a holiday ornament, small decorated greens, or perhaps a poinsettia. Of course, each of these has its own pitfall: the ornament may not be your host’s “style,” allergies to holiday greens are becoming more prevalent, and the poinsettia is poisonous to pets. The point is, think about where you’re going and who has invited you – then choose accordingly. FYI: Pinot Grigio. Just so you know…

Attire
Who doesn’t love an opportunity to get spiffed up a bit? Yeah… let’s talk about what that means. It’s simple for men: Suits for “cocktail” attire requests, trousers and a button down for everything else. No t-shirts, no sneakers, nothing with a hole no matter how “fashionable.”

Ladies, it’s almost easier for you. Keep your tits, ass, and who-ha tucked out of view. Done! The holidays are not an opportunity to run amok, displaying your obvious “assets” and lack of good breeding. It’s 100% possible to look sexy without dipping a nipple in the gravy boat as it passes.

Liquor consumption: the root of your humiliation.
We all know I enjoy my wine and vodka as much as the next gal, and I’m always happy for a reason to gather with my friends and a few bottles. Whether it’s in someone’s kitchen, or you’re out for a night on the town, People, you have got to learn to manage your intake.

In addition to my day job and this blog, I’m also a bartender. It’s all false eyelashes, big hair, and fishnet stockings so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you, I’ve literally seen it all. You are not funnier, more attractive or even slightly more interesting when you’re slurring your words or channeling your celebrity crush. Even less attractive (ladies!), the bump and grind cha-cha, or an impromptu table dance. “Hot” is not the adjective that comes to mind. In a time of instant technology, consider how many hours you want to unknowingly be tagged in a photo – drunken a showing your bits – for the whole world including your employer and your father, to see. Where is your dignity and self-respect?

Gentlemen: a note to you on drunk and disorderly. No. Just… no. This is a time of joy and glad tidings! All of the worst nights in every girl’s dating history include some drunken, overly “amorous” or belligerent man with a singular focus on fondle or fight. Fellas, dinner is not a claim stake. Your open bar office party is not unspoken permission to feel up your girl in public. Mind your manners this holiday season. You want to attract a girl? Try channeling Clark Gable or Sean Connery; not Yosemite Sam or Charlie Sheen.

I suppose that covers it. In a nutshell, look pretty and don’t act like an ass. Try on a shade of elegance. Like lipstick, and scotch, there really is one for everybody.

Re-Gifting

Huh... I typed that title, now I feel like there might actually be a blog hiding in it somewhere. Oh well, while I sort that out, I thought I'd share a couple of oldies-but-goodies which seem to stand the test of time.

Click here! December 2009

Sanitation

*jumps up and down waving frantically*

“Oh! Oh! I have a suburb idea! How about instead of raising kids to understand that life is fraught with competition, disappointment, and rejection, let’s teach them that everyone’s always a winner and let’s never keep score!”

…and we wonder how we ended up with a generation of selfish, smart-mouthed, over-indulged, lazy, self-righteous, freeloaders whose “life goal” is to be on a reality television show.

*glares*

Honestly, there are days when I’m entirely uncertain I’ll get through the supermarket without smacking a soccer mom whose kid is pushing me out of the way to climb the shelving for a $5 bottle of ginseng iced tea, while she “explains” to me the importance of his self-expression; and that manners will come later. Later? Later when exactly? Will that be before or after I self-express her rude kid into a freezer and drag her off to the butcher counter to let nature take its course?

It’s a shame that I can’t actually do that. I can’t even raise my voice in their general direction!

[sidebar: technically I can, but I’m falling victim to… continue reading]

Why? Because we’re living in a sanitized society. We've had to clean up our language and our actions for the most ridiculous of ridiculous reasons:

We certainly wouldn’t want little Johnny to think that there are consequences for his behavior. That might upset his delicate sensibilities thus causing him to wonder if there’s a such thing as individuality. Also very important that we erase the lines between gender and cultures while we’re at it! No sense letting anyone *feel* different. That could lead to free thought and ambition, which apparently is not the way we raise children anymore. No... we're safer as a eunuch society. We should all wear white, too (*sarcasm*... in case you're missing it).

I’m not saying that the way I was raised was superior. In fact, my childhood should be a case study in how not to parent. But this is no better! Competition is healthy. Losing as a child teaches you to be graceful about it as an adult. Adulation should be saved for actual accomplishment. What, specifically, are you trying to teach your little brat by congratulating or rewarding for doing what he should be doing as a matter of daily course? You’re teaching nothing. You’re setting them up for a crash course in adult misery. You’re ensuring they are totally ill-equipped to actually DEAL with life’s trials and tribulations. You’re a shitty parent.

Surely someone is starting a study on suicide rates of Gen-Y (aka "Generation Next," but next to what, I can't imagine).

And before y’all get all snotty because I don’t have children of the two-legged variety, mull this over. I’ve potty trained 4 under the age of 5, taught the difference between right and wrong, molded manners, and created appropriate behaviors to mammals with the language comprehension of a 5 year old, yet no ability to communicate back. Seems to me you should be able to get your 14 year old daughter’s tits back in her shirt and teach her to tuck her ass crack away from public viewing. You should be able to convince your son that his smart mouth is going to get him kicked in the teeth – preferably before it actually happens. You do realize it’s not okay for your children to tell you “no” or “I don’t want to,” or my personal favorite, “you do it!” at a simple request, right?

This “self-expression” is not character building. It’s annoying. It’s rude. It’s incredibly impolite, and as my Grandmother used to say, “no manners is worse than no money!”

Self-reliance: the skill that will teach your kid how to extricate himself from the freezer bin I stuff him in.

Pick Your Fight

I do not care about your hybrid of any sort; your Prius, your Fit, your Leaf, your Volt, your Insight, your SmartCar.

In fact, I think the smart thing to do is to get your Fred Flintstone, Vespa-sounding, hunk of tin out of the left lane so that my gigantic steel cage on four huge wheels can get down the road at a rate faster than the apparent maximum eco-car speed of 45mph.

*glares*

I expect that this one may bring on the hate mail from the tree-huggers who will most likely stop reading right about…. here… in order to “have their say, dang it!” but frankly, I don’t care. I motor about in a big, gas guzzling, 4-wheel drive, I-can-climb-over-your-trunk-if-I-feel-like-it, gorgeous piece of imported fantastic-ness. I spent my American-made dollars on a vehicle whose manufacturer did not consider that long, skinny pedal on the right, part of an “options package.”

Don’t flip me off when I pass you at a “breathtaking” 60mph. You’re jealous. I know it. You know it. You were trying to be a part of “something bigger” most likely because your life is small, and instead your balls are now the size of raisins and the valet snickers at you when you pass the keys.

You need to save the world? How about you quit rattling on about your eco-friendly car “savings” (which statistically don’t actually exist according to the IIHS) and look into ways to put an end to puppy mills?

You need a cause? How about getting our teachers paid more and our politicians paid less?

Can’t figure out what to do with your spare time now that your kids are all in school and your live-in nanny is scrubbing your toilets? How about finding a way to support the arts in those very schools?

Itching to create a placard? Try this: Love is Love! Support marriage equality for gays and lesbians in all states!

Oh wait. You just need to rant about something to feel important? How about you do that during a regularly scheduled pedicure so that random passers-by are no longer exposed to that hot mess revealed by your nasty flip-flops, or your ridiculous opinions on my choice of vehicle.

Go ahead. Pick your fight. Just not with me. I’m in the mood to crush someone just for being stupid and I’m fairly certain the valet will point me in the right direction.