I'm listening an "ex-beau" sub for Dennis Miller on his radio program this morning.
*blink*
*blink*
THAT'S sufficiently random - so here are a few other random thoughts.
Why do people create a storm, then cry when it rains?
Apparently winter has gone on entirely too long because, if the streets are telling the story (and they are!), there's nothing left to do indoors except pass gossip. Aside from the fact I'm exhausted from hearing all of it, I'm seriously reconsidering who I let into my life anymore. I mean, if someone will say "that" about family or their BFF, imagine what they're saying about you!
Today's PSA
It's never a good idea to corner someone meaner than you.
Read twice, type once
It's baffling - and yes, aggravating - how important it has become to some people to be "seen" on that devil device called FaceBook, that they don't bother to completely read through even the initial the post they're responding to.
"Say again?"
There's a phrase I utterly despise. If you didn't hear me, how about going old school with "I beg your pardon?" or "excuse me?" If you haven't been forced to hear "say again" then perhaps you live somewhere other than the East Coast.
Lucky you...
"Excuse me?"
I do wish people would listen as much as they talk. I have a girlfriend who literally doesn't register anything that isn't about her in some way. It's important to note that there is a very real expectation on her part that everyone remember everything about her and her life - such as it is. At this point, she's obviously just another one of my bad habits.
Odd. Five thoughts and I seem to have run out. Or at least thoughts I'd care to share. That is all, boys and girls. You may now return to your pre-weekend preparations.
I'll be betting "five" on everything...
Friday, April 5, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Shoe Whore
Generally speaking, I do not speak to fashion. Not because it doesn’t interest me, it definitely does! The fabrics, the colors, the statement you get to make with every piece. I gravitate toward those gorgeous classics (think Chanel and hats and gloves), while remembering to stay true to my inner hippie. Clearly this demonstrates that I possess few constraints or prejudices where fashion is concerned - as long as all the "bits and pieces" are appropriately covered or camouflaged. Still, I leave the topic of fashion alone for the same reason I don't pump my own gas: there are trained professionals for that.
However! With Spring quickly approaching (somewhere!) and limbs on the verge of exposure, it's time to whip out that straight forward, no bullshit delivery of bad news in a fashion area where few can measure to my own expertise.
Brace yourselves.
Ladies – and okay, gentlemen – your walk is stealing the sexy from your shoes.
Let's start with one very simple, very basic fact: 3+ inches, and platforms, are not for everyone. Unless you're a Southern Girl forced through Charm School where the promenade in high heels is mastered at a very young age, you need to assess the way you walk before you buy. Oh I know, you think your walk is sexy or alluring. But it's not. And showing all that cleavage isn't going to make up for it.
So. What kind of walker are you?
Do you teeter along in a pair of platforms like you're walking on a tightrope?
Do you march along like a stiff-legged soldier, in an attempt not slide into an ass-busting situation? Are you an... oh let's call it "athletic" walker? If not, you still know who I'm talking about (*snicker*). She's apparently never seen a beauty pageant of any kind - even drag! Otherwise she would know that no matter how expensive the footwear, clomping along with her ankles 12" apart makes her look like a linebacker.
There's the "stick up your ass" trotter whose steps are so minuscule I can't help but wonder if she needs to pee, or she really does have an aspirin between her knees. We have the "leaner" who pitches dangerously forward, defying gravity with every step; the "Big Girl" who stuffs her size 8 feet into a size 7 for... well, I don't know why anyone would do that; and finally, the "I think I'm sexy" sashayer who swings her ass so hard both left and right while taking freakishly long yet bent-kneed strides, I'm left feeling both sorry and afraid for her future spine.
Since quite obviously so many women - and okay, men - have absolutely no idea how to dress their feet, for your convenience I've provided the following Shoe Rules. Feel free to print and post on your closet door...
"Sweatpants [flip-flops] are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants [flip-flops]." ~ Karl Lagerfeld
"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants [flip-flops]? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." ~ Jerry, Pilot Episode of Seinfeld
And that, Dear Readers, is all I care to say about that...
Glide ladies! Glide!
Brace yourselves.
Ladies – and okay, gentlemen – your walk is stealing the sexy from your shoes.
Let's start with one very simple, very basic fact: 3+ inches, and platforms, are not for everyone. Unless you're a Southern Girl forced through Charm School where the promenade in high heels is mastered at a very young age, you need to assess the way you walk before you buy. Oh I know, you think your walk is sexy or alluring. But it's not. And showing all that cleavage isn't going to make up for it.
So. What kind of walker are you?
Do you teeter along in a pair of platforms like you're walking on a tightrope?
Do you march along like a stiff-legged soldier, in an attempt not slide into an ass-busting situation? Are you an... oh let's call it "athletic" walker? If not, you still know who I'm talking about (*snicker*). She's apparently never seen a beauty pageant of any kind - even drag! Otherwise she would know that no matter how expensive the footwear, clomping along with her ankles 12" apart makes her look like a linebacker.
There's the "stick up your ass" trotter whose steps are so minuscule I can't help but wonder if she needs to pee, or she really does have an aspirin between her knees. We have the "leaner" who pitches dangerously forward, defying gravity with every step; the "Big Girl" who stuffs her size 8 feet into a size 7 for... well, I don't know why anyone would do that; and finally, the "I think I'm sexy" sashayer who swings her ass so hard both left and right while taking freakishly long yet bent-kneed strides, I'm left feeling both sorry and afraid for her future spine.
Since quite obviously so many women - and okay, men - have absolutely no idea how to dress their feet, for your convenience I've provided the following Shoe Rules. Feel free to print and post on your closet door...
- If they aren’t 100% comfortable in the store, they will not “break in.”
- If the soles are slippery, stop clutching your way across the room and take a scissors to the bottoms in a criss-cross pattern.
- If you generally live in flip-flops, it's time to accept that you don’t actually possess any fashion sense. Oh, I know you think you do… I also know that you don’t. Find yourself a friend who'll tell you the truth about yourself - if you can take it. You should not be left to your own devices in the shoe department.
- If you’ve left high school, yet purchased a “cocktail” dress in the “prom” section of a department store, don’t try to match your shoes to it. Return the dress. You know why.
- If you can’t actually run a full city block in the shoes, you need to believe me when I tell you that you can't walk half a block in them either. I don’t care how amazing you think they look on your feet, it’s always more “mommy’s closet” than “hot mama.”
- If you're under 5'4" you seriously need to reconsider your collection of flats. They make your legs look short and ass look big - especially when you wear them with skinny jeans.
"Sweatpants [flip-flops] are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants [flip-flops]." ~ Karl Lagerfeld
"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants [flip-flops]? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." ~ Jerry, Pilot Episode of Seinfeld
And that, Dear Readers, is all I care to say about that...
Thursday, February 14, 2013
St. Valentine and the Hallmark Gold Crown
Over the years I've had quite a bit to say about St. Valentine's Day. And over the years, many people have stood atop their soapbox trying to make me feel like a sap by expounding the tired exclamation that it's nothing more than "a Hallmark holiday."
I call "hypocrite!"
You want a Hallmark holiday? How about Mother's Day! Father's Day! Grandparent's Day! These anti-Valantine's Day people who are too lazy or sad or pathetic or just looking for something to be sour about, are the same people who will mow you over and snatch the last musical birthday greeting card smooth out of your hands, because if you don't acknowledge others, they won't acknowledge yours... And that's where they're living!
Most common "excuse" for ignoring St. V's day?
"I tell my husband / wife / partner / girlfriend / boyfriend / mistress every day how much he/she means to me! I don't need Hallmark making money off it once a year!"
I call "bullshit!"
You do not. Nobody does that in real life. What we do do is take advantage of one another, push things off, put career before home, weigh the pros and cons of our actions then decide to ask forgiveness later, and generally see how much we can selfishly take from "the one we love."
It ain't pretty - but that's modern day "love."
Frankly, I think St. Valentine's Day does a huge service to couples everywhere. You can't avoid the commercialism, so it's not like you can forget about it. Unlike, say... your wedding anniversary?
[sidebar: Don't judge. I totally know mine... now.]
So why not indulge in a little silly romance? It doesn't hurt, and it can only help plead your case if you've been a less than stellar partner lately... or, ever.
Buy a card. Some flowers, maybe. Make a dinner reservation. Or feel free to think outside the box (just not too far..."the best laid plans" and all...). Spend five minutes thinking about the five million hints that have been dropped in your lap over the past 364 days - then execute something.
Advice for Men: Things Not to Plan
Stop rolling your eyes and feeling put-upon, then come embrace the fun that is Valentine's Day - the gold crown of "Hallmark Holidays!"
*flips through cell phone for take-away options*
I call "hypocrite!"
You want a Hallmark holiday? How about Mother's Day! Father's Day! Grandparent's Day! These anti-Valantine's Day people who are too lazy or sad or pathetic or just looking for something to be sour about, are the same people who will mow you over and snatch the last musical birthday greeting card smooth out of your hands, because if you don't acknowledge others, they won't acknowledge yours... And that's where they're living!
Most common "excuse" for ignoring St. V's day?
"I tell my husband / wife / partner / girlfriend / boyfriend / mistress every day how much he/she means to me! I don't need Hallmark making money off it once a year!"
I call "bullshit!"
You do not. Nobody does that in real life. What we do do is take advantage of one another, push things off, put career before home, weigh the pros and cons of our actions then decide to ask forgiveness later, and generally see how much we can selfishly take from "the one we love."
It ain't pretty - but that's modern day "love."
Frankly, I think St. Valentine's Day does a huge service to couples everywhere. You can't avoid the commercialism, so it's not like you can forget about it. Unlike, say... your wedding anniversary?
[sidebar: Don't judge. I totally know mine... now.]
So why not indulge in a little silly romance? It doesn't hurt, and it can only help plead your case if you've been a less than stellar partner lately... or, ever.
Buy a card. Some flowers, maybe. Make a dinner reservation. Or feel free to think outside the box (just not too far..."the best laid plans" and all...). Spend five minutes thinking about the five million hints that have been dropped in your lap over the past 364 days - then execute something.
Advice for Men: Things Not to Plan
- Don't plan a picnic in bed. I'd like to believe the reasons are obvious.
- Do NOT, under any circumstances, sprinkle rose petals on the bed. Aside from staining the sheets and duvet, the next morning, it's like waking up in a bowl of Kellogg's Corn Flakes.
- Don't show up at any restaurant without a reservation. If she's hungry now, she's gonna be a real bitch in an hour.
- If you're running out for that last minute piece of sexy lingerie, do stay within the confines of the type of relationship y'all have. If she's not a black-sheer-cammie-with-matching-crotchless-panties kind of girl, then think bootie shorts and a fun t-shirt.
- And for gawd's sake, if she hates red, do not buy her red!
Stop rolling your eyes and feeling put-upon, then come embrace the fun that is Valentine's Day - the gold crown of "Hallmark Holidays!"
*flips through cell phone for take-away options*
Thursday, January 31, 2013
You, You, You, and Who?
All this talk of gun regulation, legalizing marijuana, drug testing for welfare, and whatever other issue whereby someone is wearing a placard about their rights – civil or otherwise – is exhausting. Frankly, I think we should be concerning ourselves with a bigger problem: Reality television.
This ridiculous phenomenon has given one entire generation a hugely inflated sense of self-entitlement, while making another so narcissistic that they’re incapable of the tiniest act of kindness without publicly announcing it in an effort to gain congratulations and, I assume, a glimpse of their 15 minutes of fame.
Which leads me to...
Speaking of vain, can someone please tell me what this whole "birthday MONTH" is about? As I understand it, there are grown adults who've decided that instead of one day of cake and candles, they're deserving of a month's worth. I was super puzzled by this, until one of the voices in my head posed this question:
"I wonder if this was the actual precursor to people using their birthday as a way to garner both self-indulgent admiration and gifts?"
Two true stories:
I know this girl who publicly announced that for her birthday she’s going to roam around town performing random acts of kindness, then document them all on FaceBook.
*blink*
*blink*
Because... she wants us to know how awesome she is?
Then there's the self-pronounced “I have so much money that you can't buy me anything, so you should totally admire my grand idea” birthday girl who asked for cash gifts so that she can give it to a person of her choosing "who has sooooooooo much less me.” Here's a thought. How about you use some of that money to learn how to hear yourself the way everyone else does, then quietly go about the business of helping others?
In a weirdly serendipitous coincidence, the past two weeks or so I’ve had probably a half-dozen people say to me, “I didn’t know that about you.” Yeah... that's because unless you ask, I'm not going to talk about myself, or pat myself on the back. I grew up believing that's incredibly poor form, and like talking about money – it just isn’t done.
Having said that, listen up, People!
I’m not poor - monetarily speaking, anyway. I make a significantly-well-above-average salary, and though most of it goes out as quickly as it comes in to support my stupid and apparently neverending house renovation, I still manage to regularly scrape together a little something to send to organizations who give a voice to those without one.
You want to "be someone?" Adopt an animal. You can't help but to become the person your pet believes you are.
(pictured: Fredo Guiseppe)
The following is a short list of animal-related orgs whose administrative overhead is low and whose need for donations (cash or otherwise) is always high:
Your local SPCA (Google it!)
Your local no-kill shelters
www.theanimalrescuesite.com/
www.hendrickboards.com
http://www.chenoamanor.org/
Feel free to leave your favorite in the Comments below.
This ridiculous phenomenon has given one entire generation a hugely inflated sense of self-entitlement, while making another so narcissistic that they’re incapable of the tiniest act of kindness without publicly announcing it in an effort to gain congratulations and, I assume, a glimpse of their 15 minutes of fame.
Which leads me to...
Speaking of vain, can someone please tell me what this whole "birthday MONTH" is about? As I understand it, there are grown adults who've decided that instead of one day of cake and candles, they're deserving of a month's worth. I was super puzzled by this, until one of the voices in my head posed this question:
"I wonder if this was the actual precursor to people using their birthday as a way to garner both self-indulgent admiration and gifts?"
Two true stories:
I know this girl who publicly announced that for her birthday she’s going to roam around town performing random acts of kindness, then document them all on FaceBook.
*blink*
*blink*
Because... she wants us to know how awesome she is?
Then there's the self-pronounced “I have so much money that you can't buy me anything, so you should totally admire my grand idea” birthday girl who asked for cash gifts so that she can give it to a person of her choosing "who has sooooooooo much less me.” Here's a thought. How about you use some of that money to learn how to hear yourself the way everyone else does, then quietly go about the business of helping others?
In a weirdly serendipitous coincidence, the past two weeks or so I’ve had probably a half-dozen people say to me, “I didn’t know that about you.” Yeah... that's because unless you ask, I'm not going to talk about myself, or pat myself on the back. I grew up believing that's incredibly poor form, and like talking about money – it just isn’t done.
Having said that, listen up, People!
I’m not poor - monetarily speaking, anyway. I make a significantly-well-above-average salary, and though most of it goes out as quickly as it comes in to support my stupid and apparently neverending house renovation, I still manage to regularly scrape together a little something to send to organizations who give a voice to those without one.
(pictured: Fredo Guiseppe)
The following is a short list of animal-related orgs whose administrative overhead is low and whose need for donations (cash or otherwise) is always high:
Your local SPCA (Google it!)
Your local no-kill shelters
www.theanimalrescuesite.com/
www.hendrickboards.com
http://www.chenoamanor.org/
Feel free to leave your favorite in the Comments below.
Monday, January 14, 2013
I'll Take That One!
Do you ever look at your life and think, “hey, HEY! Who’s the wise guy? I did not sign-up for this!”?
Yeah. Me too.
I’m not trying to blame anyone here, but some of it did happen to me, not because of me… apparently while I was ordering another martini. That aside, even though I see my hand in a lot of it, I know I was never so over-indulgent in the vodka that I said, “gee, that’s totally fucked-up and nothing at all like what I want. So yeah, I'll take that one!”
Ya'll know I'm a huge believer in The Universe putting you exactly where you're supposed to be - sometimes for you, sometimes for someone else. But my gawd, I cannot possibly imagine what else I have to learn or teach in this hellhole of apparently permanent stasis.
Still though... as much as I want something to shake loose, change is hard. It's hard to start, it's hard to own, it's just generally hard. So I get why people - myself included - can talk about it but don't necessarily jump at the chance to make it happen. I think it's a shortcoming of over-thinking.
I once moved 1,800 miles in less than a day after having woken up one morning and deciding to do it. No job. Nowhere to live. Just some luggage and a destination. I'll admit it was a hair impulsive - and perhaps not my brightest stroke of genius. But at least I didn't over think it.
[sidebar: I do not recommend this course of action to those for whom impulsiveness is still in the experimentation stages. This is Advanced Impulsiveness and should not be attempted without completing the following pre-requisites: Ruin Your Life in a Single Bottle, Disgrace by Drugs (an unpaid internship), Intermediate Impulsiveness, and Advanced Cleaning Up Your Own Mess.]
That was then...
Now, I think.
And I make a list.
After that come the impossibly reasonable and seemingly endless notes about why I can't just shift gears pre-mid-life-ish. I wish there was a market where I could choose a new direction the same way I choose my fruits (both tree-grown and human). Check my list. Browse the seasonals. Give this one a squeeze and that one a sniff. Root around in the bins a bit for that overlooked gem, or maybe just point and say, "I'll take that one!"
SHAZAM!
Yeah. Me too.
I’m not trying to blame anyone here, but some of it did happen to me, not because of me… apparently while I was ordering another martini. That aside, even though I see my hand in a lot of it, I know I was never so over-indulgent in the vodka that I said, “gee, that’s totally fucked-up and nothing at all like what I want. So yeah, I'll take that one!”
Ya'll know I'm a huge believer in The Universe putting you exactly where you're supposed to be - sometimes for you, sometimes for someone else. But my gawd, I cannot possibly imagine what else I have to learn or teach in this hellhole of apparently permanent stasis.
Still though... as much as I want something to shake loose, change is hard. It's hard to start, it's hard to own, it's just generally hard. So I get why people - myself included - can talk about it but don't necessarily jump at the chance to make it happen. I think it's a shortcoming of over-thinking.
I once moved 1,800 miles in less than a day after having woken up one morning and deciding to do it. No job. Nowhere to live. Just some luggage and a destination. I'll admit it was a hair impulsive - and perhaps not my brightest stroke of genius. But at least I didn't over think it.
[sidebar: I do not recommend this course of action to those for whom impulsiveness is still in the experimentation stages. This is Advanced Impulsiveness and should not be attempted without completing the following pre-requisites: Ruin Your Life in a Single Bottle, Disgrace by Drugs (an unpaid internship), Intermediate Impulsiveness, and Advanced Cleaning Up Your Own Mess.]
That was then...
Now, I think.
And I make a list.
After that come the impossibly reasonable and seemingly endless notes about why I can't just shift gears pre-mid-life-ish. I wish there was a market where I could choose a new direction the same way I choose my fruits (both tree-grown and human). Check my list. Browse the seasonals. Give this one a squeeze and that one a sniff. Root around in the bins a bit for that overlooked gem, or maybe just point and say, "I'll take that one!"
SHAZAM!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Life Truths - 2013
Apologies for the delay. Clearly scheduling the blog to auto-post no longer works.
Here we are.
The beginning of another year - triggering my annual Life Truths: an updated list of harsh realities that we should all remember as we strive toward, well, whatever you're striving toward. This year though, I thought I'd first present three things for additional consideration... you know, for when you're standing outside alone, pondering the Universe over a bottle of wine.
The List
Here we are.
The beginning of another year - triggering my annual Life Truths: an updated list of harsh realities that we should all remember as we strive toward, well, whatever you're striving toward. This year though, I thought I'd first present three things for additional consideration... you know, for when you're standing outside alone, pondering the Universe over a bottle of wine.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
- What inspires you?
- What stops your inspiration dead in its tracks? Or is it a who?
The List
- You are where you are because that, my friend, is where you put yourself. Do not blame your Higher Power, The Universe, or the people around you for your ill-conceived decisions.
- Yes. You're fat. Does that make you feel better? Get off your ass and do something about it.
- The Universe is trying to move you in the direction of your life path. Quit acting like you know everything. You don't. So how about you just go ahead and get out of your own way?
- Life is a "Bring Your Own Water Wings" affair so stop annoying the rest of us with your bitching about how you've been done oh-so-wrong, and paddle already.
- Just because you want it does not mean it's yours to have.
- The things you do not say, speak as loudly as those you do.
- At the end of the day, you and you alone must live with your own inaction.
- You always have a choice. Take the route that will make your grandmother proud.
- Your true friends will say the things you don't want to hear because they love you... and because they have faith that you already know the truth, not because they're threatened by you.
- Beware false allies and those who try too hard. Therein you will one day discover ulterior motive.
- When saying no - to anyone for any reason - it absolutely is not necessary to offer an explanation.
- From Image Consultant and friend, Beth Newman: "Do not participate in 'big, bad, bold behavior.'" It's unseemly and frankly, déclassé. http://www.newmanimage.info/
- Do not shampoo your hair every day - no matter what.
- Stop fighting The Universe and you'll stop making stupid mistakes.
- One minute of your time - especially when you don't "have" it - is worth hours to someone who needs it.
- Pay attention. This will solve almost all of your "problems."
- Take heed: a drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
- People are going to talk. Your choice is in what you give them to talk about!
- We all humiliate ourselves. Get over it. These are the stories that make you less dull.
- If you think any part of this (or my blog in general) is directed at you, it probably is... I just don't know it. Examine why you do.
- Do not lie. To me or yourself.
- Your behavior in all situations is 100% on you. Own it or change it. These are the only options.
- Ladies: If a man wants to be with you, he will always find a way to make that happen. I suppose the same can be said conversely.
- Choosing not to engage means forfeiting your right to defend yourself against what others say. Know that, ultimately, this is still the best course of action - especially when you factor in karma, comeuppance, and the opportunity to secretly point and laugh later!
- Never put anything in writing that cannot be aired publicly.
- People will take advantage of you until you make them stop. The tricky bit is in the approach, and I can't help you with that.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Tis the Season... to Mind Yourself!
I've had additional thoughts - and I'm too lazy to start from scratch so here's a reminder from last year. Feel free to print this blog entry. You or someone close to you needs it.
This time of year there are tons of articles about “etiquette” or being on your best behavior at an office party. And yet, which of us hasn’t woken up the morning after the night before wearing mistletoe for undies, a lampshade nightcap, and a very real sense of dread?
I'm really not judging you...yet. I have no intention of joining the legions of other writers who will remind you not to over-indulge in front of your boss, to definitely hire a taxi, nor will I whip out the tried-and-true adage, “minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” Though all of this is true, I’m going to assume you don’t need a reminder and head to a more practical, more realistic place.
RSVP
It should go without saying that when an invitation is extended, you will, within a reasonable time, respond to your host. Bear in mind that this isn’t a meeting invitation at work; you can’t just RSVP “Accept” then not show up; nor can you “Decline” then magically appear on someone’s doorstep. Though you should always RSVP and stick to it regardless of the time of year, at holiday time, this is particularly important. Most of these occasions are more formal. Your host/ess is doing a head count for food, booze, and maybe even place settings.
Don’t be a jackass. Your singular attendance, or lack thereof, is not going to make or break the party, so don’t act like issuing your RSVP is anything more than it actually is: a yes or a no.
Attire
Who doesn’t love an opportunity to get spiffed up a bit? Yeah… let’s talk about what that means.
It’s simple for men.
If the invitation says "cocktail" anywhere on it, wear a suit. Otherwise, you may assume this is a casual gathering and trousers and a button down will do.
No t-shirts, no sneakers, nothing with a hole no matter how “fashionable.”
Ladies, it’s almost easier for you.
Keep your tits, ass, and who-ha tucked out of view. Done! The holidays are not an opportunity to advertise your “assets” and lack of good breeding. It’s 100% possible to look sexy without dipping a nipple in the gravy boat as it passes.
You’ve heard of it: The Hostess Gift
And it's not a snack cake.
Whether it’s the holidays, or a mid-summer barbeque, it is never, ever acceptable to show up at a party empty-handed.
Never.
Ever.
Are we clear?
Do not call, text, or email your hostess with “What can I bring?” She is only going to say, “Nothing at all!" True as this may be, only half of you were actually considering bringing anything anyway; the other half were trying to appear gracious but secretly hoping to hear you’re off the hook. *glares knowingly*
Wine, beer, spirits:
All good unless your host is a Southern Baptist.
Do make an effort to ensure it’s something your host enjoys, and that you’re not treating the gathering as a BYOB unless the invitation specifically stated it as such. It’s incredibly rude to show up with a bottle of your favorite scotch as “gift,” then proceed to drink it yourself. FYI: Pinot Grigio. Just so you know…
Food: Unless it's a pot-luck, or your hostess specifically asked if you wouldn't mind bringing your special dish, just don't do it.
Liquor consumption: the root of your humiliation.
We all know I enjoy my wine and vodka as much as the next gal, and I’m always happy for a reason to gather with my friends and a few bottles. But People, you have got to learn to manage your consumption like a grown-up.
In addition to my day job and this blog, I’m also a bartender. It’s all false eyelashes, big hair, and fishnet stockings so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you, you are not funnier, more attractive or even slightly more interesting when you’re slurring your words or channeling your celebrity crush. You're even less attractive when performing a bump and grind cha-cha, or an impromptu table dance.
In a time of instant technology, consider how many hours you want to unknowingly be tagged in a photo – drunken and showing your bits – for the whole world including your employer and your father, to see. Where is your dignity? Where is your self-respect?
Gentlemen: a note to you on drunk and disorderly.
No. Just… no.
This is a time of joy and glad tidings! Every girl’s dating history includes some drunken, overly “amorous” or belligerent man with a singular focus on fondle or fight. Guys, dinner is not a claim stake. Your open bar office party is not unspoken permission to feel up your girl in public. Mind your manners this holiday season. You want to attract a girl? Try channeling Clark Gable or Sean Connery; not Yosemite Sam or Charlie Sheen.
Open Bar
And while we're on the subject of liquor, let's do talk about the open bar. Whether you've paid a set rate for an open bar package, you're a guest at a wedding, or attending a soiree in someone's home, IF THERE IS A BARTENDER, YOU WILL TIP!!! NO. MATTER. WHAT.
Got it???
You want another drink? Best of luck if you just turned your back after ordering four cocktails. Bartenders remember your face based on the face of the bills you handed over. Did you think I was a bitch because I didn't hop to it when you reappeared? Too bad. You're cheap, so I don't like you.
I suppose that covers it. In a nutshell, look pretty and don’t act like an ass. Try on a shade of elegance. Like lipstick and scotch, there really is one for everybody.
This time of year there are tons of articles about “etiquette” or being on your best behavior at an office party. And yet, which of us hasn’t woken up the morning after the night before wearing mistletoe for undies, a lampshade nightcap, and a very real sense of dread?
I'm really not judging you...yet. I have no intention of joining the legions of other writers who will remind you not to over-indulge in front of your boss, to definitely hire a taxi, nor will I whip out the tried-and-true adage, “minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” Though all of this is true, I’m going to assume you don’t need a reminder and head to a more practical, more realistic place.
RSVP
It should go without saying that when an invitation is extended, you will, within a reasonable time, respond to your host. Bear in mind that this isn’t a meeting invitation at work; you can’t just RSVP “Accept” then not show up; nor can you “Decline” then magically appear on someone’s doorstep. Though you should always RSVP and stick to it regardless of the time of year, at holiday time, this is particularly important. Most of these occasions are more formal. Your host/ess is doing a head count for food, booze, and maybe even place settings.
Don’t be a jackass. Your singular attendance, or lack thereof, is not going to make or break the party, so don’t act like issuing your RSVP is anything more than it actually is: a yes or a no.
Attire
Who doesn’t love an opportunity to get spiffed up a bit? Yeah… let’s talk about what that means.
It’s simple for men.
If the invitation says "cocktail" anywhere on it, wear a suit. Otherwise, you may assume this is a casual gathering and trousers and a button down will do.
No t-shirts, no sneakers, nothing with a hole no matter how “fashionable.”
Ladies, it’s almost easier for you.
Keep your tits, ass, and who-ha tucked out of view. Done! The holidays are not an opportunity to advertise your “assets” and lack of good breeding. It’s 100% possible to look sexy without dipping a nipple in the gravy boat as it passes.
You’ve heard of it: The Hostess Gift
And it's not a snack cake.
Whether it’s the holidays, or a mid-summer barbeque, it is never, ever acceptable to show up at a party empty-handed.
Never.
Ever.
Are we clear?
Do not call, text, or email your hostess with “What can I bring?” She is only going to say, “Nothing at all!" True as this may be, only half of you were actually considering bringing anything anyway; the other half were trying to appear gracious but secretly hoping to hear you’re off the hook. *glares knowingly*
Wine, beer, spirits:
All good unless your host is a Southern Baptist.
Do make an effort to ensure it’s something your host enjoys, and that you’re not treating the gathering as a BYOB unless the invitation specifically stated it as such. It’s incredibly rude to show up with a bottle of your favorite scotch as “gift,” then proceed to drink it yourself. FYI: Pinot Grigio. Just so you know…
Food: Unless it's a pot-luck, or your hostess specifically asked if you wouldn't mind bringing your special dish, just don't do it.
Liquor consumption: the root of your humiliation.
We all know I enjoy my wine and vodka as much as the next gal, and I’m always happy for a reason to gather with my friends and a few bottles. But People, you have got to learn to manage your consumption like a grown-up.
In addition to my day job and this blog, I’m also a bartender. It’s all false eyelashes, big hair, and fishnet stockings so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you, you are not funnier, more attractive or even slightly more interesting when you’re slurring your words or channeling your celebrity crush. You're even less attractive when performing a bump and grind cha-cha, or an impromptu table dance.
In a time of instant technology, consider how many hours you want to unknowingly be tagged in a photo – drunken and showing your bits – for the whole world including your employer and your father, to see. Where is your dignity? Where is your self-respect?
Gentlemen: a note to you on drunk and disorderly.
No. Just… no.
This is a time of joy and glad tidings! Every girl’s dating history includes some drunken, overly “amorous” or belligerent man with a singular focus on fondle or fight. Guys, dinner is not a claim stake. Your open bar office party is not unspoken permission to feel up your girl in public. Mind your manners this holiday season. You want to attract a girl? Try channeling Clark Gable or Sean Connery; not Yosemite Sam or Charlie Sheen.
Open Bar
And while we're on the subject of liquor, let's do talk about the open bar. Whether you've paid a set rate for an open bar package, you're a guest at a wedding, or attending a soiree in someone's home, IF THERE IS A BARTENDER, YOU WILL TIP!!! NO. MATTER. WHAT.
Got it???
You want another drink? Best of luck if you just turned your back after ordering four cocktails. Bartenders remember your face based on the face of the bills you handed over. Did you think I was a bitch because I didn't hop to it when you reappeared? Too bad. You're cheap, so I don't like you.
I suppose that covers it. In a nutshell, look pretty and don’t act like an ass. Try on a shade of elegance. Like lipstick and scotch, there really is one for everybody.
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