I Will Survive... Will You?

Whatever happened to survival of the fittest? Who, specifically, decided that we had to take pity on the stupid and give them a leg-up? Burt Prelutsky recently shared this quote from a "friend" in his blog: "The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"

Brilliant! Brilliant, I say!

How about we start with the peroxide bottle? The deep end of the gene pool will double in size once we rid ourselves of the oxygen-deprived female masses who think that bleached white is a natural hair color. Those aren't roots, dear. Those are the last of your active brain cells desperately attempting to flee.

Warning labels on flammables: nix! If you aren't smart enough to know that smoking or using an open flame in, over, or near flammable liquids is a danger to your face and limbs, you've got no business breathing deeply. Just so I'm clear, that includes hair color and nail polish remover.

I'd like to see how many power outages removing the warning that tells folks not to use things like hairdryers in the shower could cause. I kinda wanna meet the person who is trying to... what... save time?... by drying their hair with one hand and brandishing an electric shaver with the other, all while rinsing. There's a story!

CAUTION! Contents are HOT!
Well, for the love of all that's caffeine-filled I would certainly hope so. Let's not rehash the polyester-clad woman at the McDonald's drive-thru. Instead, let's consider her a cautionary tale for the really stupid and fashion-challenged.

Let's also remove instructions for the obvious, such as, "Open package before consuming contents," or "Take 2 tablets by mouth" on a bottle of aspirin. Here's a personal favorite: "The appliance is switched on by setting the On/Off switch to the On position." Eureka! And finally, feel free to remove this one seen on the front of the triple load washing machine: "No small children." I guess those go in the regular washer and only teens are allowed in the bigger one.

While we're on a roll, let's remove all the "nutrition" labels from foodstuffs, too. I am beyond irritated with maneuvering around people reading the label on a 72-ounce can of Hormel chili or a box of Hostess snack cakes. Since you're going to eat it anyway, do the rest of us a favor and don't bother reading about how quickly it's going to kill you. Drop it in your basket and get out of my way. Rule of thumb: if it didn't go from farm to market, don't put it in your mouth.

[sidebar: obvious exception here for non-food items meant to be inserted in the mouth. The foot does not qualify for this exclusion so your continued effort to keep said foot out of your mouth is appreciated.]

I'm not saying I don't enjoy a Lean Cuisine from time to time, but look what pre-packaged food did to Kirstie Ally. Yet another cautionary tale.

While we're rearranging warning labels, how about we just go ahead and tag the stupid people - or even better, hang cowbells from their necks! It would just be a lot easier for me if I knew going into a situation that I'd be dealing with the terminally dim-witted. Then I would be prepared to use smaller words. And speak slower. Maybe draw pictures and learn how to say "like" and "I was all..." in every sentence.

Survival of the fittest, People! I say we campaign for this as part of the new Healthcare Reform Bill, shall we? It feels like a winner.


shout out to Burt: www.burtprelutsky.com
"Some Carbon Footprints Don't Count"


Addendum: Yes, I know what history lesson was conjured up by the idea of tagging anyone, so don't bring your friends with placards into my yard. It's not like we can actually tag stupid people, People! Besides, they kinda find a way of doing that on their own.