Grammar Snob

Can somebody please tell me why, if enough people mispronounce a word, everyone decides that it must be right? I'm kicking-off this longish rant by taking exception with the word "template."

This is not now, nor has it ever been correctly pronounced: tem-plate. Check your Merriam-Webster, your Cambridge, your Free Dictionary - hell, I'll even pull my 12-pound International Dictionary off the shelf. Nowhere will you find any pronunciation other than: "tem-plit." Even the Chinese to English dictionary got this one right! It's not serving dish, People!

Moving on...

I don't care how many times you hear it on the television, "Where you at?" cannot possibly be construed as proper grammar. Assuming you're older than a 3-year old, the question is: "Where are you?" You want to know where I am? Ask me using your grown up words.

When did people start taking their grammatical cures from reality television? The phrase "are you kidding me right now?" made famous by Heidi Montag, begs to be answered thus: "No. I'm not kidding you right now. I may have been kidding earlier and I may kid again later; however, the information I just provided was not included in the aforementioned realm of jocularity."

[sidebar: Yes, yes I am mortified that I knew who first uttered that tragic phrase on television. Please leave me alone with the shame and disgrace without comment.]

While we're on the topic of education via mass media, how exactly does someone "defriend" or "unfriend" someone? Yes, I understand the mechanics of clicking Delete. What isn't clear is this: if you're going to partake in this non-word verb, how do you handle post-non-word interaction, say, in the supermarket? Since it's not a word, did it really happen? If a tree falls in the woods...

If I had to choose the one bit of language bastardization I find most appalling, I would go with "dis." People, it's not a word; it's a prefix. For those who require additional edification, that means we use it in front of another word to change its meaning to the opposite. Yes, I'm aware that in some neighborhoods it's considered slang for the word "disrespect." Gee... that IS a mouthful. I see why people would need an abbreviated version. (*sarcasm*) The use of this word has gotten so distorted that even when all three syllables are applied, they're generally used incorrectly. For example:

Incorrect: Don't disrespect me!
Correct: Don't be disrespectful.
Correct: Don't speak disrespectfully to me.
Correct: Your disrespect of authority is inexcusable.

Some might argue that the first example is, in fact, correct. I stand steadfastly alongside notable historians and linguists when I say, "no, it's not. It's slang." Now don't get me wrong! I'll slang alongside the best. I call people "cats" and will breathlessly declare a man "hot." The difference is that the slang or euphemism is painfully obvious and in no way bastardizes the existing word - only uses it in a way I find infinitely more interesting. It's plainly evident that there are no cats in the room, and the man is observably of normal temperature.

There was a time when immigrants could learn the English language by watching the television. As Americans, it's clear that few are interested in maintaining a high level of language skill when non-English speaking viewers are faced with translating sentences such as, "Don't be hatin' on my shorty or I'll FN cap ya." I'm fairly certain that if you're not a relatively native speaker, the only thing you're going to get out of that sentence is the promise of a new hat.

My good friend and fellow blogger, Paul (http://pjcostello.blogspot.com/)  takes issue with word contractions. Talk about your tough audience! Being from the South, contractions, like pronouncing words as though they have twice as many vowels than appear on paper, is a way of life. (I nearly typed "kinda a way of life" but I'm concerned for his health and didn't want to send him over the edge.) I can excuse contractions and long sounding vowels on the grounds that:

1. It's pure colloquialism,
2. It's crazily adorable, and
3. I'm capable of both proper grammar and precise sentence structure.

Now before y'all get your feathers ruffled and start sending me hate mail again, I've said it a million times: I'M NOT PERFECT. Who would want to be? My point, Dear Readers, is that some of us, some of your children, will want to grow up to be something more than a reality television celebrity. When that happens, I promise you that people around the world will expect said grown-up to have a scholastically solid grasp on their own native tongue.

I'm beginning to think it's too late to save our ailing language... even the American English version of it. Maybe all the English teachers should just start looking for a sport to coach. This isn't evolution; it's degeneration.

Coming Next: The much-requested snarky Valentine's Day rant.