My Funny Little Valentine

Ahh, Valentine's Day.

Cupids, flowers, singing telegrams, dinner reservations, last minute gifts, and sex. If ever a holiday were invented solely to make people feel bad about their relationship status, this is it.

From my single friend's perspective, I'm a traitor and a rat. For one day I am no longer "one of them." Men and women alike get that resentful glare/smile that makes me feel worse than the hours leading up to midnight on New Year's Eve. It's not my fault! If you're single perhaps you should assess your "bar!" Or, find a new bar...

As for my "marrieds" - it becomes a competition. Who go what "little gift" from the Husband. They flit about showing off new diamonds or other precious gems and gushing about whatever else "the most wonderful man in the world" did.

*eyeroll*
Me thinks thou overstates...

Last year Mr. Man skipped this particular celebration. He claimed that he never believed in the Hallmark holidays. WHAT? Since when? This declaration forced me to my brassiere drawer where I'd stashed 7 years worth of Valentine's Day cards.

Factoid: approximately 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are exchanged annually worldwide. You'd think I coulda gotten at least one.

I'm still not sure why I got all riled up about it unless it was because once again the gold crown of Hallmark made sure that no matter how little regard I gave the date, I inevitably set myself up for disappointment. Admittedly, not as disappointed as the significant others of the victims of the St. Valentine's Day massacre, but frankly I blame prohibition for that mess. They shoulda seen it coming.

There are as many legends around the beginning of this painfully forced celebration as there are trashy lingerie stores in Las Vegas. Still, after significant contemplation, I've decided to continue blaming the Greeting Card Association. I think they should appease those of us who are apparently no longer acknowledging the celebration by bringing back the "vinegar valentine." Come on... who doesn't love an opportunity to "politely tell someone how you really feel"?

To Her:
"From girls of these fast modern days
A little boldness we expect,
And when due bounds it's kept
Not every one will object.
But o'er all bounds you go so far
With your loud ways and saucy face,
We simply feel disgust and scorn
To see such lack of womanly grace."

(circa 1858)

To Him:

"A monkey in the jungle

Is looking for his face,

That someone must have wished upon you

And gave him yours in place."

(circa 1860)

Is it as satisfying as sending a dozen dead roses in a gold box to the he/she who broke your heart? Probably not... but add a rat to the package and now we're talkin'!

Postscript:

You should know that in June, I received two Valentine's Day cards from Mr. Man. Awww, isn't he the most wonderful man in the world! Maybe this year I'll get that singing telegram...