Don't Stand So Close to Me

Why does it suddenly seem like every time you turn around people are wrapping their arms around each other in what appear to be deep, meaningful embraces in public places? More and more it’s not just girls… it’s the boys, too. It begs the question: Are boys – as a gender – finally getting in touch with their sensitive side?

I blame all the boy-on-boy hugging we see on the television. I shudder to think that we’re becoming a society of touchy-feelies, quick to ignore or disregard personal space. Sure, I think it’s nice that boys seem to be letting go of their “mo-phobia” about touching and employing something more intimate than a handshake, but someone needs to have a chat with Miss Manners on the topic.

Picture it: one of those boys who runs around with the entirety of his underdrawers hanging out the back of his pants engages in one of these public embraces and, experiencing a “security breach,” is left with his skinny ass exposed in a now very awkward clutch. What’s the protocol here? No one wants to be a part of this sort of exposure.

Sadly, this new Freedom Touching isn’t as confined as some of us would have it. It’s going on everywhere! It’s happening between people who’ve only just met! I'd like to hang a sign behind the bar that clearly states that sitting side-by-side for the length of time it takes to consume a beverage does not mean we know one another! Oh! And being introduced by a mutual friend does not extend or transfer their well earned Touching Rights to you.

I can quickly count four girls in my life who, very un-stereotypically, will freeze in horror and possibly open disgust if hugged by someone outside their very immediate circle. It's a common phenomenon easily recognized by the completely immobile arms and an ass pushing backward in an effort to flee. I totally get this. It’s all about not wanting to be touched by “Randoms.” I’m immeasurably put out if you so much as brush past me in a hallway, or crowd me in an elevator.

Since apparently some sort of criteria needs to be set, here's the Rule of Thumb: If you haven’t slept with me, seen all or "parts" of me naked, gotten me unstuck from a hideous garment in a major department store dressing room, peed with me behind a bush, or are under the age of retirement, just don’t do it.

Not everyone thinks you’re a lovely person because you reached out and touched someone. In fact, my first thought is about germs; my second is how I’ll get the cloying reek of your perfume off of my shirt.

When it comes to same sex touching, respect the space, People! Respect the space!