Revisionists

Recently someone made casual mention of an event from a long time ago that left me literally speechless. Yeah. Literally speechless. And frankly, my brow still hasn’t un-furrowed so baffled am I by what she said. I don’t claim to have a perfect memory, but her “recollection” was a perfect example of revisionism.

Yeah, I know y’all generally associate revisionists with historical whatnots, but my life has history – and plenty of it I might add, so I will. I’ve puzzled over this phenomenon as it relates to people’s own lives for days now. I’d always thought of our recollections as what we thought we heard or saw – like the adage, “her side, his side, and the truth.” It never really occurred to me that for some people it’s really so much more. Pretty sure it goes like this:

Enter random situation here.

Post-situation, mulling occurs.
The first time, you recollect the situation as it actually happened.
Uh oh. You don’t come off very attractive/smart/pleasant? Well, there’s only one thing to do...

Think about the situation again.
Ah, that’s better. You didn’t *actually* or *intentionally* use that tone/utter those words/tell that lie, so that bit doesn’t count.

Whew!
Okay, let’s step through this again.
The other person involved is *obviously* at fault, not you, because of x, y, z.

Better. Just one more re-enactment in your head.
This is the best part from my outsider’s perspective because it often includes completely new dialogue and sometimes even new actors.

[Sidebar: I was screwed by one of these about a year ago. As the story goes, I was at a local “establishment” when something cruel was said about someone who was then completely crushed... and really pissed. Yeah, inasmuch as that sounds like me, not only was I not there that night – or that week – I wasn’t even in the time zone. I’d become a replacement actor for the person who repeated the story – the actual Mean Girl. MG panicked on replay. The hilarity here is that she was so busy trying to shine a new light on her involvement when she created the “new real” story in her head, she forgot to consider who might alibi out when the shit hit the fan.]

I get that sometimes we need to put a lighter, brighter spin on real life for the sake of our audience. I’ve “revised” bits of my life because there are a few stories no one needs to hear in their entirety. But I’ve never done it to avoid owning my behavior, to make myself seem like a better person than I am, to appear the “hero,” or to screw someone else. And blatantly changing history and retelling it to people who know the truth? She’s some kind of crazy.

Revisionists stick by their story no matter what. I gotta admit, the fact that they believe their own crap and have the balls to present it as truth, freaks me out. Not like clowns at children’s parties, but still… *shudder*

Things People Say

Lately I’ve been unavoidably forced to deal with a lot of blown-out egos. It’s really not my thing to “manage” people; I prefer to just let you deal with your own mania. I don’t stroke most folks because it’s tiresome. And because the ego I satisfy today, may stab me in the back tomorrow.

For educational purposes, I thought perhaps I’d put some recently heard “Listen to ME!” precursors out there in an effort to help those who find themselves trapped in ego quicksand out of ignorance.

“Trust me, I…” know, did, saw, participated blah blah blah. Fill in the blank.

Huh. *squints* Because…. This time you’re telling the truth as opposed to all the other times when you were lying to me? These people have seen it all, read it all, and done it all...and better than anyone else. The variation on this is “Believe me, I…”

“You don’t understand…”

Don’t tell me what I do or do not understand. You don’t know me well enough to make that determination. If you did, you would think twice about that tone you're using.

“What you don’t know is…”

Really. I don’t know. I just offered my opinion on my favorite style of egg preparation, political platform, or this years block-styling on the Paris runway, and now you’re going to tell me that I didn’t gather enough information for a valid viewpoint? You do not know what experience went into the formulation of my opinion and I'll thank you to keep your assumptions to yourself.

In other ego news...

The Egomaniacal Boss. Cripes. We’ve all had them. We’ve all hated them. We’ve all tolerated them until such time as we were forced to transfer. No words of advice here except, smile! It’s not forever, it’s just for now.

The Egomaniacal “Friend.” This is the one who is jealous of all the other people in your life so she bad-mouths everyone, whispers about you behind your back, and spends a ridiculous amount of time manipulating situations so she will somehow look like a “hero” through it all. *heavy sigh* All I have to say about this ego is, “move along. People are only nice to you because they have to be.”

Your Friend’s Egomaniacal Child. Best bet here is just not to visit. I cannot tolerate the presence of a child who is under the misbegotten impression that their imaginary needs and subsequent temper tantrum are going to move me past my desire to smack them upside the head. Children should be seen and not heard. Preferably not even seen, but one can only insist on so much.

I’m bored with this topic now. Talk amongst yourselves…

More on Judging

“Not judging!”

You hear this all the time. Truth is, people do judge – and those who say they don’t, are often the harshest… behind your back, of course!

I am not afraid to say, out loud, that I judge people. I will always judge you on a poor footwear selection. I’ll judge your new hair color, the fact that you’ll leave the house with your belly fat hanging over the top of your entirely too tight jeans, and your obnoxious children. I will always judge all things about any two-faced person because frankly, it’s just good citizenship to point out a snake in the grass.

I will not judge the actions or behavior related to an honest mistake or ill-informed decision, your vehicle (unless it’s slowing me down), or the contents of your shopping basket.

I approached this topic with great self-revelation and moderate hilarity once before. It's worth a re-read.  http://itssmokeandmirrors.blogspot.com/2010/01/judge-not-lest-ye-oh-never-mind.html

Just sayin’.

"She Said What?"

We all know it’s a rare occasion that I step outside my own personal business to write about the actual carrying on of people I actually know. But sometimes, it’s to the benefit of all of cyber-civilization to remind you that your behavior counts. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day someone will pull up all of the old email you sent and forward it. Let that be a warning the next time gossip or ugly words are about to cross the lips. Now, on with our story…

I would guess three or four years ago, I could’ve been considered a FaceBook junkie. Even two years ago, when I was working from my office at home every day, it was always up on one of my computers. But over the last year and a half, I’ve found other things to do with my time and FaceBook just sort of fell away.

Sure, I’ll check for private messages, ignore new friend requests, and run through the first few items of my newsfeed, but rarely do I see anything of interest enough to comment on before I’m bored and move on to the 300+ pieces of email waiting in my Inbox. So imagine my surprise…

[Clarification: what follows wasn’t so much surprising as it was… well… baffling]

… to read a comment by a 34-year old woman who wrote, “Cheers to being grown-ups!”

My unexpressed thought? “As opposed to….? “

I happen to know this particular girl and I know that the sole purpose behind the post was to let “everyone” know that the person she so horribly ridiculed for so many years, is now her “friend,” alongside a host of others she’s summarily defamed and gossiped about.

Weird… because none of that seems very grown-up at all.

Behaving in a manner befitting one’s mid-30s is not cause for a celebration – it’s an expectation. Much like one expects a 16-year old girl to pine over a boy who doesn’t want to date her.

At a certain age – I’ll say, theortically 28 – you should have reached a mature, adult station whereby you can forego high school-like carrying-on; stand by your opinions and decisions; and have achieved, at a minimum, a level of self-confidence and awareness not to lie, gossip, or weasel your way into situations in hopes of being “in-the-know.” It’s embarrassing… for the rest of us.

Just so we’re clear, I am definitely not saying that you’ll never hear me say anything snarky about another person, or that gossip is/was/has been officially banished from my life! That’s just crazy talk! Hell, some of my best material is built on both of those. The difference is that I stand in front of, and behind, my words. If you’re not going to own it, then you’ve got no business saying it. It’s a “treacherous” road when others know the truth and kinda feel like it might make for a hilarious party anecdote.

In conclusion (*clears throat*):
• Acting your age instead of your shoe-size is not just cause to pop a bottle

• Look to Dr. Spock’s “Baby and Child Care” for education surrounding age-appropriate milestones then put them into practice

• Don’t be a two-faced jackal (Oh! I think I’ll add that one for next year’s updated version of Life Truths!)

Holding to these simple guidelines will ensure the number of times people snicker behind your back is minimized; the chance of someone publicizing the truth about your unstable, low self-esteem driven crazy antics is kept mostly under wraps; and you’re continued presence is tolerated – given your circumstances… whatever they may be.

Now run along and play. The grown-ups are talking.

Life Truths: Updated for 2012

It's that time again... the time when I like to remind my readers that certain whatnots and situations should be addressed, managed and otherwise dealt with so that I don't have to step in and talk ugly about them... possibly using names... with photos.

It occurs to me that as we head into the new year full of our latest resolutions (aka personal promises which set us up for failure), it would be a good idea to re-arm with a few basic Life Truths on decorum and ownership. This, of course, is in effort not to witness some of the more unsavory and sometimes tawdry moments of last year. It was truly appalling...
 
The List

1. You are where you are because that, my friend, is where you put yourself. Do not blame your Higher Power, The Universe, or the people around you for your ill-conceived decisions.
2. Yes. You're fat. Does that make you feel better? Get off your ass and do something about it. Now, can we please stop having that conversation?
3. The Universe is trying to move you in the direction of your life path. Quit acting like you know everything. You don't. So how about you just go ahead and get out of your own way?
4. Life is a "Bring Your Own Water Wings" affair so stop annoying the rest of us with your bitching about how you've been done oh-so-wrong and paddle already.
5. Just because you want it does not mean it's yours to have.
6. You always have a choice. Take the route that will make your grandmother proud.
7. Your true friends will say the things you don't want to hear because they love you... and because they have faith that you already know the truth.
8. Beware false allies and those who try too hard. Therein you will one day discover ulterior motive.
9. When saying no - to anyone for any reason - it absolutely is not necessary to offer an explanation.
10. From Image Consultant and friend, Beth Newman: "Do not participate in 'big, bad, bold behavior.'" It's unseemly and frankly, déclassé. http://www.newmanimage.info/
11. Do not shampoo your hair every day - no matter what.
12. Stop fighting The Universe and you'll stop making stupid mistakes.
13. One minute of your time - especially when you don't "have" it - is worth hours to someone who needs it.
14. Pay attention. This will solve almost all of your "problems."
15. Take heed: a drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
16. People are going to talk. Your choice is in what you give them to talk about!
17. We all humiliate ourselves. Get over it. These are the stories of our life's winter.
18. If you think any part of this (or my blog in general) is directed at you, it probably is... I just don't know it. Examine why you do.
19. Do not lie. To me or yourself.
20. Your behavior in all situations is 100% on you. Own it or change it. These are the only options.
21. Ladies: If a man wants to be with you, he will always find a way to make that happen. I suppose the same can be said conversely.
22. Choosing not to engage means forfeiting your right to defend yourself against what others say. Know that, ultimately, this is still the best course of action - especially when you factor in karma, comeuppance, and the opportunity to secretly point and laugh later!
23. Never put anything in writing that cannot be aired publicly.
24. People will take advantage of you until you make them stop. The tricky bit is in the approach, and I can't help you with that.

So that's it. An updated version of my annual reminder - in no particular order. Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere else to be.

Wave Good-bye

As we begin to look toward the end of another year, reflecting on our successes (I strung a few words into sentences and posted them), and our failures (I barely strung any words into sentences to post), I don’t feel even the least bit nostalgic.

*checks heart for warm spot*

Nope. Nothing. It’s not that the year was unpleasant. There was some much needed weeding out that took place which left my life an infinitely less negative place – so that was a high point. I had lovely evenings (and by “lovely evenings” I mean hilariously, debaucherous nights) with friends. I managed not to jump out of a perfectly good plane. The bills miraculously got paid every month and though I might be tempting fate, I don’t recall being in the emergency room a single time all year. Overall, I’d say it was a successful, albeit meh, year.

*shrug*

As I’ve said here probably every year, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I feel like you’re just setting yourself up for failure. Sort of in the same way I tell myself every Sunday night when I climb into the bed, that starting tomorrow, I’m definitely getting up an hour earlier than the pre-dawn hour I already see so that I can get in a workout. I can say it, but hey, if nobody hears, then nobody knows!

My advice: skip the resolution. You’ll only be beating yourself up in a couple of weeks and that’s no way to start a new year.

So here’s to the end of 2011. Nothing interesting enough to revisit, so I'm sliding out. That said, I may come up with one more thing to talk about… then again, I may not. Don’t forget to read my annually revised repost of Life Lessons come New Year’s Day. Of course, if you can’t wait, here’s the one: Life Truths - 2011

Cheers!

Loyalty... what a joke.

During my mental rerun of this past weekend, including one perfectly executed “epic fail,” I realized that there is very little left in this world that resembles loyalty. I watched "friends" sell each other out just for the chance to present the latest juicy gossip; significant others abandon honor for the sake of a photo op designed to shame one and leave the rest with a laugh; and finally, employers just screw the people who stood by them for ridiculous amounts of time for….what? Those people made sacrifices and now they’re being sacrificed. Selfish, self-involved, self-serving megalomaniacs: it isn’t “just business.” It’s their own failed economics. So let’s just make sure everyone suffers.

*glare*
I’m disgusted by people today.

Color me old-fashioned – or maybe just old – but I remember a time when your word was a direct reflection on your honor. Now everything, everything, is about ego. Say whatever you need to say to get what you want and to hell with whoever it hurts.

“Me! Me! Me!” Is there a rhythm for that because it’s apparently the anthem of everyone around me.

Take! Take! Take! And when there’s nothing left, at least nothing left you want, leave.

What about standing by people?
What about lending a hand instead of looking for a hand-out?
What about helping when you see someone you know struggling?

Oh wait…

My apologies. Those things fall under the heading of loyalty, and apparently we don’t do that anymore because it requires honoring commitments, regardless of the circumstance or inconvenience. It would mean honoring your word, and that could result in you not getting what you want every single fucking time. That would require that you care about someone other than yourself.

I swear I’m going to snap soon. No part of that is going to be pretty...