Highway to Hell

Dear Old People and Other non-Workers,

Consider this request both advice and fair warning. Stay out of your vehicle and off the road during the morning and afternoon rush hour. You don’t know how to drive and there is nowhere you need to be that’s more important than where the rest of us are going. 

In exchange, those of us who actually have a job will gladly give you the road between the hours of 9AM and 3:30PM. That’s over six hours of wide open lanes for you to putt down the road doing 35 miles per hour in a 50 mph zone, or sit nonchalantly through a green light because little Suzy wants to show you her latest crayon drawing from the backseat.

[sidebar: “stay at home mom”? NOT A FUCKING JOB! It’s a privilege so stop whining about the “fact” that you have no time to yourself. The rest of us are doing your “job” at the end of a 10 hour workday and frankly, we’re tired of listening to you complain… about anything!]

Now, should you people find yourselves unexpectedly on the road post- agreement; here are a few simple Rush Hour Rules to which you’d be well-counseled to follow:

1.     Stay out of the left lane. Period.

2.     If the posted speed limit is 50mph, assume that the Rush Hour Regulars will be doing 65mph. You’re not a regular. You’re not special. Shut up. Your choices are: go faster or pull over at the next Starbuck’s for your morning $6 non-fat, decaf latte. The rest of us have a life that you do not want to make us any later for, lest we just give up and follow you. And we don’t drink decaf.

3.     You do not know the traffic patterns, and this my friend, is the key to Rush Hour success. The regulars know which lane to be in on which stretch of road. We know that the number 4 bus that just turned into the lane ahead, is fixin’ to move to the left, so the smart money is to skirt it on the right. Jamming the rest of us up with your ignorance exposes your gross lack of necessary experience… and that makes us mad.

4.     A horn blast – regardless of length – is less insult and more warning; a reminder that my vehicle will in fact eat yours if you don’t start paying more attention to your driving and less to whatever else is going on in there.

5.     See that long skinny pedal on the right? ACCELERATOR! It’s what makes the car go fast. Do you understand fast? If not, refer to number 2 above.

6.     Are you the self-righteous ass who stoically insists on maintaining the speed limit or below no matter what; flipping the bird every time someone flys angrily past? Take a moment and wonder at that, then mull this: You – YOU – are going to be the direct cause of an accident. YOU are an unexpected hindrance who will kill or be killed. Get out of the way.

7.     When finding oneself behind or beside a bus, it is ones duty and moral obligation to take whatever steps necessary to get in front of said bus – be it school or metro – thus allowing ample room for others to navigate around it as well. Don’t be the dick who won’t speed up to go around. Maybe you’re perfectly happy stopping at every driveway and bus stop, but the rest of us are going to ambush you for keeping us trapped.

Here’s a little reminder to ruminate over while disrupting rush hour: we work for a paycheck of our very own. The bigger the vehicle the better the chance the driver is fully insured. Full coverage always translates into, “I’m not afraid of your angry words, finger flip, or need to unnecessarily slam your brakes because you think I’m following too closely.  Not. Even. A. Little.”

In fact, I would suggest you remember that I’m behind you. Eventually, you will have to stop; and a stop means time… and time means I can come give your window a little tap so that we may discuss the error of your ill-mannered behavior.

With my civic duty now complete, and knowing that you’ve read the Rules of Rush Hour so are duly informed, please sign the dotted line… before someone pushes you over it.