Crazy

The first thing we need to remember is that you can’t fix crazy.

Take a hard look at your Crazy vs. Not So Crazy Relationship Ratio. Are you trending toward “what the hell is wrong with my decision-making processes?” I don’t know about y’all but I’ve been with Crazy and, as thrilling a rollercoaster as it is, eventually you have to get off and head for a 3-day bender to restore your sanity. Stay with Crazy long enough and it starts to resemble Normal – whatever that is exactly.

There are varying degrees of Crazy; some you can live with, some will suffocate you while you’re passed out drunk on the sofa. These two ends of the spectrum aren’t really what I’m talking about though. The crazy that will make you crazy is the bit in the middle; the bit that makes you wonder if you’re imagining it. The bit that you ignore when you wanna get laid.

In my ongoing effort to convince some of my guy friends to step away from the crazy, I’ve developed the following scale for determining whether or not having sex is eventually going to get them killed, or just damage their reputation a little more. Remember, crazy doesn’t wear an identifying t-shirt.

Crazy Range 1-3:
Every woman has a little crazy in her somewhere. If you think yours falls into the 1-3 category, perhaps you should take your eyes off her boobs and watch her face when there are other women around. It's possible she doesn't lean toward crazy behavior at all. It’s also possible that this one is a master of deceit. I wouldn’t lay poker with her.

Crazy Range 4-6:
Women in this range are probably as close to “normal” as you’re going to find. Sure, she may occasionally exhibit meltdowns or manifest moderate amounts of random craziness, but I would venture to say that these are manageable and most likely the direct result of scheduled hormonal fluctuations... if you know what I mean.

Crazy Range 7-8:
She’s broken. Broadly speaking, she’s wholly aware of this and in her defense, she’ll make every effort to hide it from prying public eyes. If you have a hankering to jump out of a plane or train lions, she’ll not only agree to go with you, she’ll probably suggest it first. Still, she’s likely to go off the deep end when least provoked so be sure to check your parachute.

Nutcase 9 or above (because there is a 12… I’ve met her):
There’s no telling what could happen on any given day, in any given hour. She “seems” like a 4 or 5 when you first meet her… and that should scare you. The real trouble with this one is that she’s almost always a freak in the rack. This is why you keep going back. But what does it get you, my friend? I’ll tell you. It gets you weeks and weeks of 1,000s of text messages, “coincidental” meetings out, messages left in shaving cream on your car, and calls to your mother even if they’ve never met. Dude, walk away… quietly. Consider witness protection because you’ll never really be rid of her. Ever.

I suppose I should probably attempt to deflect the hate mail by saying yes, I’m fully aware that crazy comes in the form of penis owners, too. The thing is, their attention span is so freakishly short that the episodes of crazy rarely last long enough to be worth writing about. And of course, it’s rarely inventive or fresh because, again, the short attention span.

I wish I had the answer to dealing with crazy. I’d write a book, make my millions, and retire to some place sunny. I can only suggest that you take solace in the fact that there are plenty of nearly crazy-free women in the world. I think I met one once…