Three of a Kind

“What we’ve got here, is a failure to communicate.” ~ Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke (1967)


Though not the intention, when applied to relationships between men and women, truer words were never spoken. What men say and what women hear could not possibly be more at odds. In most cases we could close the gap if, as women, we would quit trying to read between the lines and just accept the actual words.

I’ll be the first to admit that for years I thought all of this was nothing more than propaganda generated to allow men an “out” for being too damned lazy to actually participate in the parts of a relationship that don’t involve sex. If that makes you want to throw yourself into the bottom of a vodka bottle, take heed: rumor has it some men actually understand that work is required on their part too, if they intend to consistently have sex for the rest of their lives.

Sorry, no, I don’t have those phone numbers…

“Men are either playing with you, or planning with you.” ~ Steve Harvey
I’m a big fan of Mr. Harvey’s book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” Here’s the thing though… if you’re not willing to take a hard look at your own crazy behavior, girls you are not going to like what he has to say. I’m not saying I agree with all of it (Mr. Harvey – it’s impossible for me to take your “power” away from you, sir), but he does make some valid if hard to swallow points. Make this your mantra: He’s either playing with me or planning with me. Figure that out then you can decide if you’re going to be his booty-call or his partner.

“Men are only as loyal as their options.” ~ Bill Maher
This is true from the beer they drink to the dates they keep. I’ve never heard a guy say “no, thanks” to a beer just because it’s not his preferred brand. They think of dating the same way. “Sure, she’s not the one I want, but I’ll totally take her for now.” Now, do you really want to be his emergency-back-up-spare? Of course not! But as long as there are options, he’ll be making choices. Your success is based on your ability is to limit the options - not by shortening his leash, but by becoming the only beer he wants to drink. If he’s a true blue Bud man and you’re offering up the ice-cold mountains of the Rockies, what do you suppose he’s going to do?

“A man has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason, and the real reason.” ~ JP Morgan
This means if you come home to discover flowers “just because you deserve them” – which is totally true; your dry cleaning has mysteriously appeared in your closet or dinner is on the table “because I know how busy you are,” go shave your legs. He believes in his actions, which = a good reason. He also knows that this is the quickest way to get you into the bed = the real reason.

There you are, ladies – three very different men with the same idea. If you can master these, you’re armed with all the knowledge to keep or discard any man in your life, on your terms. To all non-believers I say this: eventually you will have to embrace the fact that men are, in essence, just simple… and incredibly self-indulgent. They think using their small words. If you just listen to them, you’ll get all the information you need.

Here are your new rules:

1. Do not assume there’s ever an “implied” anything. They don’t know how to do that. Implying things is strictly girl territory; a bad habit which should be broken posthaste.

2. If his words were, “I’ll text you” (ewww! really?) and you don’t hear from him until late one Saturday night with the excuse that he lost his phone – that’s playing with you.

3. Another example of playing not planning: you invite him to a BBQ next weekend and he says, “I’ll have to let you know.” Oh, he already knows… he’s just gonna confirm that nothing better comes along before committing.

4. If a man wants to be with you, he will find a way to make that happen! Go ahead, I'll wait while you read it again.

5. Stop being so accommodating. You just look easy.

6. Remember that if he needs a short leash, he’s a runner. In the long run that’s just entirely too much work for too little return.

7. As long as he has options, so do you. Exercise yours not to look like a pathetic, spineless, sad-sack by clinging on to something that doesn’t exist.

Lastly, please stop dragging your girlfriends through your mind-numbing renditions of every conversation, text, or email. It’s very difficult for us to tell you what you truly already know: that he’s a cad. Hear what he says and save a friendship. It’s a win-win.