4 Easy Steps

It’s occurred to me that I can actually fix just about everything that’s “wrong” in your life. Here is my four step solution:

Put down that all-consuming electronic thing you have in your hand

Look up! There are real people and actual places out here! The world didn’t shrink when you got your social networking accounts. You’re more than a “tweep.”

Acknowledge that you’re not nearly as important as you think you are

Unless you're a neurosurgeon or an emergency veterinarian, your bubble isn’t so important that you need to interrupt a conversation or abruptly stop walking in the middle of a crowd. The Universe is not waiting for your response to whatever text just vibrated, status rattled your chain, or YouTube video that just went viral.

Shut the hell up about yourself and listen

Last night I tried to explain my stance on a particular financial situation. I should know better, but I thought I had the undivided attention of the “listener.” I didn’t get through more than two complete sentences before the “conversation” was hijacked and redirected back to this guy. Over and over again, he would say something on the topic, I would begin to reply with my thoughts – then BAM! Hijacked again. Needless to say I gave up any attempt to continue a discussion, quickly and without much effort. He may have heard the words but he certainly wasn’t listening.

Get engaged with your life

True story: About a week ago, a friend of mine  – let’s call him Maurice – was running late en route to a meeting. I’m trying to figure out where he is, and he’s sitting in traffic swearing and creeping along. In due time he discovers that the hold-up was a head-on collision. People were just driving by, no one stopping to render aid or call for emergency services. We know this because though he was nowhere near the crash when it happened, he was the first to stop and place that call. It sickens me. What the hell was so important in the lives of the passers-by that they couldn’t assist women and children in distress?

I’m guessing a Facebook status or rebuttal. *sarcasm*

I’m worn smooth out from listening to the whatnots of over-inflated egos. I think it’s incredibly sad how many people have become so self-centric that if it’s not all about them, they can’t tell you anything about it. These are the same people who then get shitty when you don’t remember one specific story out of literally thousands they’ve told you about themselves. Hey, buddy! You’re exhausting.

If you actually want to “fix” what’s “wrong” in your life, how about participating in it! What ever happened to the spirit of cooperation? Of pitching in or lending a hand to someone who is actually struggling? No one owes you anything, but you certainly have no business expecting anything when nothing is what you give.

Please check your ego at my door. And tip the hostess.

Revisionists

Recently someone made casual mention of an event from a long time ago that left me literally speechless. Yeah. Literally speechless. And frankly, my brow still hasn’t un-furrowed so baffled am I by what she said. I don’t claim to have a perfect memory, but her “recollection” was a perfect example of revisionism.

Yeah, I know y’all generally associate revisionists with historical whatnots, but my life has history – and plenty of it I might add, so I will. I’ve puzzled over this phenomenon as it relates to people’s own lives for days now. I’d always thought of our recollections as what we thought we heard or saw – like the adage, “her side, his side, and the truth.” It never really occurred to me that for some people it’s really so much more. Pretty sure it goes like this:

Enter random situation here.

Post-situation, mulling occurs.
The first time, you recollect the situation as it actually happened.
Uh oh. You don’t come off very attractive/smart/pleasant? Well, there’s only one thing to do...

Think about the situation again.
Ah, that’s better. You didn’t *actually* or *intentionally* use that tone/utter those words/tell that lie, so that bit doesn’t count.

Whew!
Okay, let’s step through this again.
The other person involved is *obviously* at fault, not you, because of x, y, z.

Better. Just one more re-enactment in your head.
This is the best part from my outsider’s perspective because it often includes completely new dialogue and sometimes even new actors.

[Sidebar: I was screwed by one of these about a year ago. As the story goes, I was at a local “establishment” when something cruel was said about someone who was then completely crushed... and really pissed. Yeah, inasmuch as that sounds like me, not only was I not there that night – or that week – I wasn’t even in the time zone. I’d become a replacement actor for the person who repeated the story – the actual Mean Girl. MG panicked on replay. The hilarity here is that she was so busy trying to shine a new light on her involvement when she created the “new real” story in her head, she forgot to consider who might alibi out when the shit hit the fan.]

I get that sometimes we need to put a lighter, brighter spin on real life for the sake of our audience. I’ve “revised” bits of my life because there are a few stories no one needs to hear in their entirety. But I’ve never done it to avoid owning my behavior, to make myself seem like a better person than I am, to appear the “hero,” or to screw someone else. And blatantly changing history and retelling it to people who know the truth? She’s some kind of crazy.

Revisionists stick by their story no matter what. I gotta admit, the fact that they believe their own crap and have the balls to present it as truth, freaks me out. Not like clowns at children’s parties, but still… *shudder*